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  #31  
Old 07-21-2011, 01:42 AM
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Default The Snare

I feel the snare around my heart again. Last year the snare griped me for months. Instead of helping to build our house I dug my feet in. I hid from responsibility and blew a chance to get out of these R.V.'s. It is coming up again. The chance to build before the cold sets in. This time I can feel it. It comes and goes in waves. Lover has yet to see this darker side of me. The depression. I know apart of it is Jewell and I are both hiding from dealing with our marriage head on. I think part of my refusing to help build last year was the refusal to commit to her. Yea, we have been together 8 years this Sep. Do I want to feel like I am stuck here. I know that is stupid because I can leave freely when ever I want. I didn't see this last year. Now the panic attacks, and depression are starting again. I have ups and downs all year. I have got to control it. How? I do not know. I have tried medication, still on some. Maybe if I cut out sugar and caffeine. Maybe if I take time to exercise every morning. Most importantly I need to see a therapist. Some of my childhood issues are resurfacing as well. I am the center of the family. My falling apart last year almost distroyed our family. I will not let it happen again.

I will build this house. I will work hard every damn day from the moment I can, tell the first snow storm. I will play with my diet a little. I will exercise. I will journal. I will try o find someone I can talk to in this small back-assward town. Jewell will sell off half the goat herd. Then we will sit eye to eye all winter and ask the big questions.

What is our marriage? Can we survive without sex? I will not give anymore. I have gave all, and am tiered of getting back half assed. If she cannot or does not want to be intimate is it okay with us? Her, and I and us as one. Do I want to have to leave home every time I want sex? Its something that is on my list like grocery shopping. Its kind of annoying. I don't mean bring Lover home. I like going over to Lovers house. Jewell is changing and I find her beautiful. Can I handle having more of a sister, a best friend? What kind of messages are we sending our children? Seriously we love each other. I think we are still in love with each other? I am madly in love with her. Is it because she has helped me create these beautiful beings, and this land we are homesteading. We touch and cuddle, but there is no intimacy AT ALL. It is as clean as a sister to sister relationship. I am 26, and not around anyone in my age group or mind frame of kid raising. I love most of it. I feel blessed. But there are things, and I want to know that I am not just in my comfy zone to be comfy. Why is life so fucking hard?? Another question is if Lover backs out can I actively look for another bf?
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I make the letter V. I am married to my wife Jewel (MtoF) for 8 years. Adopted into our family is my Sextoy/SSO (Straight Male).--Not living together.

Last edited by evrchanging; 07-21-2011 at 02:54 AM.
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  #32  
Old 07-21-2011, 10:30 PM
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Default What is marriage to US?! A very good start.

Last night as you can tell from this post I was in deep thought and dealing with life mode. Jewell was doing something that keeps us strong. She was teasing a wound of mine open. When one heals a cut, or a broken bone sometimes it has be reopened or re-broken to heal right. When it comes to healing each other the same rules apply. We gently open wounds for discussion. We re-break , re-structure ourselves all the time. Finally she called me sister again in a comment somewhere around cuddling with me. I snapped a remark that sisters is all we were anymore and rolled over stiffly nose touching wall.

The morning routine. I fed all hungry stomachs, and got the kids in their own space. Jewell had gone back to rest from a bad sunburn, and a couple pulled muscles. I crawled in bed.Communication is the cleaning of wounds. Communication is our key. We hold nothing back. Somehow Jewell derailed onto the topic of what is marriage, and could it be without sex? I responded that marriage is what we us as one chose to make it. I went on to state that from watching other relationships die fast as a summer flower that one couldn't rely on the other to meet every single need, and be solely responsible for making the other one happy. Happiness comes from within mostly. She commended me for realizing my needs and getting them met in a honest and loving fashion instead of tearing the whole family apart like his last ex did.

So we sat for a while in quiet. What is marriage to US? Jewel said it is companionship, and someone to dream with. Someone with a common goal, and someone that can work as one on projects. Someone to relate to, and enjoy life with. I didn't have much to add except that it was some one to be playful with, and cuddle, a safe haven, and a strong force .


She understands more than I was giving credit for. From it I could also tell that I would have no problem opening up the discussion on finding another bf. Thatís going to be a definite go if something happens between Lover and I. I am sure nothing will happen, but I feel better knowing that.
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I make the letter V. I am married to my wife Jewel (MtoF) for 8 years. Adopted into our family is my Sextoy/SSO (Straight Male).--Not living together.
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  #33  
Old 07-23-2011, 11:54 PM
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I got Friday night sexy time with Lover. Jewell, I am certain that she noticed I was rather aroused most of the day, told me I was welcome to go over there for the night. She started her testing me again. I nipped it in the butt. Head on, is the only way to go. She came back later and said she realizes that she loves me and honestly she knew better. We held each other as the sun was setting, and chanted. I knew in her eyes it was all right. For the first time I had a ride over to Lovers without guilt and second guessing.

Lover was waiting for me as I pulled up. I would have almost surprised him, but Jewell called ahead of time to make sure I was going to make it in one piece. That road is some scary shit. He was waiting for me in his bib overalls and nothing else. Then we play the silly game of who can get their clothes off first. He always cheats on this one. Every time! He should try to get a bra off fast. You could get seriously injured. Maybe I seriously lack feminine finesse. We spent a lot of time together, finally dozing well after midnight.

I was falling into a nightmare. Back in my house when I was a child. It was dark. The fear was starting again. I opened my eyes not really awake and was lost. I couldn't recognize were I was at. I began screaming. Everyone in my family is use to my night terrors. My two year old doesn't even stir any more. It was the first time Lover had to deal with it. He reached over and gently touched me. Softly he talked me down, held me tell I stopped shaking, and my heart returned to some sort of normal pace.

He made mention of it that morning over coffee. I gave him fair warning before I spent my first night that it was bound to happen. That was a mild episode. He knows about my past. He has one similar to mine. I just hope I can keep the depression demon out of my way.

Jewell made mention to Lover, as a complement, of how much I loved him. He brought that up too. I told him I did. He agreed saying that yes there was love on both fronts. Double Dhua! I told him not to worry I wasn't going to show up at his door one day with all my shit and demand an escape from my responsibilities. I have made my bed. There is wrinkles and dirt in it. I love it. I feel blessed. I hope Lover does too because he was telling Jewell that I just loved her too much to leave her for him.

At least he has me, once sometimes even twice a week. Not just my warm body, but my company, my weird humor, my gentle loving motherly touch. He calls me on the phone more than that, and I let him talk my ear off. I know he would take me if he could. He denies it to the nth degree. I feel bad in that sense that he doesn't have someone full time. I am even more blessed that I can be with him when I can.

Seems even kill. Everyone is over their poly freak out mode. Jewell has been awesome since our redefining marriage talk.

They is only one problem. This is Jewells bag. 7 year old is an ass when I am away. She has a discipline problem that she and she alone must sort out with 7 year old. I have always been the one to answer to. Jewell has set up a big party when mom is gone dynamic. She realized it has got to stop.

I got royally pissed when I got home today to find my shit was thrown all over. Nothing was done about it on her front. She has got to get The Dew to behave, and set boundaries. I prefer boundaries over rules. I am not asking much from Jewell. I am doing all of the homeschooling. I also do most of the house cleaning, cooking, and dealing with town, plus full time school in two weeks.I am not gone much. When I am I want my stuff and space respected. Touch, but put back and donít tear up. I don't want to come home to a freaking mess like I did today. I let her know that it was very disrespectful. Both girls: Jewell and The Dew.

Enough rambling Woogies waking, and I have goats to milk.
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I make the letter V. I am married to my wife Jewel (MtoF) for 8 years. Adopted into our family is my Sextoy/SSO (Straight Male).--Not living together.
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  #34  
Old 07-27-2011, 02:53 AM
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I was dealing with some bad/rough news that came to my realization. Now we are talking a 2/3 goat herd reduction. Jewell is doing surprisingly well with this new information. We worked together all weekend figuring this new finance adjustment out. Lover is having some tough times as well. This time I realize that there is another brace, another joint in the family. We may all be going against the tide, but there is so much more security all around. We all work together. Lover finally has the cushion and strength of a family he never had. We have his support as well. Together we have been helping each other. For example this month I have made him a few dinners, and even bought food for him. We gave him 20 bales of hay, and a bag of dog food. He turns around and gives us water, and gas as we need it. He makes best fricken food ever! We don't even have to ask unless it is emergency. It is more of a natural reciprocation that has occurred in our joining. My falling in love with him was a bonus that came later on, and cemented the bond even more. I have came to the realization recently that what happens happens to all of us!
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I make the letter V. I am married to my wife Jewel (MtoF) for 8 years. Adopted into our family is my Sextoy/SSO (Straight Male).--Not living together.
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  #35  
Old 08-01-2011, 06:19 PM
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Friday was Lovers retirement payment. We went to town and I mainly followed him around like he does me on my main shopping days. The simple things can be so fun when your with someone that you love. He bought a 20lb bag of flour in a cotton bag. It was cool and heavy, and reminded me of woogie when I carried it. He ran into a friend. A older woman, which had a crush on him, but due to their differences he was not into her. She is very traditional and trying to explain it would be almost impossible without him getting smacked. So we just act like friends, even though she is eyeing me. She know Jewell, as my husband and that is it. I was mauling him the moment we got home. He demanded a few moments to breath. So I called Jewell who was in the middle of a rain storm. She didn't know if she was going to make it over. I finally got my way with Lover. Then we did a quick water the animals. Jewell called and announced the roads were too bad and she was going to be over in the morning. I threatened to bring the flour bag in bed with us, because it reminded me so much of woogie.

We started dinner. I mauled him in the kitchen. We got a little drunk on some good beer. We had a really good open conversation, over dinner. I said some things that needed to be said. I actually let loose my emotions on my marriage, on this relationship, on life's burdens. I attacked him once more in the dark, and finally fell asleep. The next morning I had a tougher time than he did getting up. We didn't have time for our shower, or another session, because Jewell wanted to come over early. She was really apologetic for interrupting our morning. There was good reason. After a rain like that there is lots to be done on the farm. I cleaned up the kitchen and had a pot of fresh coffee ready for him. I also took a few moments to clean up around the place. Lover held onto my hand not letting it go until absolutely necessary. It was the first PDA we have really shown.

Last night, Sunday, we went over for dinner. He really over killed on food, but I am not complaining. Gave the kids their showers there. He was more bright and happy than we had seen him in a long time. Jewell dozed on the big comfy chair. Woogie bums food of everyone and gets into everything. The Dew was quiet lets say infatuated with Lover. I am sure that she knows that there is some thing between us and she likes the energy. As we left Jewell, as usual, gave us a moment alone to cuddle and hug. Lover has found another excuse to see me. I am going to head to town with him tomorrow, and even help in the garden afterward. If I want I can stay the night. Its not that big of a deal right now, as long as I don't neglect my family and farm up here.
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I make the letter V. I am married to my wife Jewel (MtoF) for 8 years. Adopted into our family is my Sextoy/SSO (Straight Male).--Not living together.
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  #36  
Old 08-05-2011, 08:27 PM
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Default Taking Care of number 1.

I have come to the realization after last years plummet into a deep depression that I am the heartbeat of the family. I keep everyone warm, alive, and nourished. To keep my steady pace I have to see to it that number one is in working order. I have spent time getting things in order and planning planning planning. We are walking on a thin sheet of ice right now. If we move graceful and slow it will work out. If anything out of the blue happens it may all just come tumbling down. I have faith that it is going to work out. I have to.

I have focused on me, and in turn have done great for the family. For one eating more, and of a better quality is something that we are all benefiting from. I have switched coffee for tea. I have cut down on sweets. For another is plenty of exercise but not over doing it which tends to happen when there is so much to do here. I got a better pair of shoes that I can easily move in. My clogs are a danger to a klutz like me. I have been taking my anti-depressant. If I feel safe enough I may go see a counselor to try to work through some of my issues. Meditation and doing things I love are also important. So, long story short, I for once feel in control. Jewell and Lover are of course helping as much as they can. All the adults have pooled together talents and ideas. Hand in hand in hand we are going to do this.

Complete off notesÖ..

Getting a glimpse into the convo between Lover and Jewell:
Lover says "You have been calling her sister. Do you think she can handle it. Don't you think she misses your touch."
Jewell says "I think we all know that I have gone to far in this transition. She has became more of my sister and your my sisters boyfriend."
Lover, "Thatís just too weird."

Me the next day "Give Lover a kiss for me."
Jewell "It won't be the same coming from me." Temp pause followed by massive laughter.

The Dew in a taunting voice that only a 7 year old can manage "Awww Lovers your handsome boyfriend."
My response is a sarcastic look of death.


I sure hope I get to see lover soon. We haven't had a session for a while and I need a good mauling. Maybe this weekend. I hope, even for the day, I hope. I think it may be today?
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I make the letter V. I am married to my wife Jewel (MtoF) for 8 years. Adopted into our family is my Sextoy/SSO (Straight Male).--Not living together.
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  #37  
Old 08-06-2011, 06:01 PM
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Default Rarrr!!!!

So, we got another bad bought of news. Emphasis on WE! Jewell took is hard and fucking gave me crap all day long. She is in a bad mood, can't blame her too much, but took it out on me. All of my skeletons got drug out of the closet. Lets drag up my horrible depression bought I had last year. Lets drag up my mother being an asshole. Lets drag up me being with another person.

Here I am working my ass off. Yesterday, I had a teething woogie I dealt with and still managed to get all the school work done with The Dew. I am constantly being with the kids. I live and breath them. I do what farm projects I can. I am the main one running to town for errands and laundry. I have also got a hell of a lot of cleaning and feeding to do. Plus the kids are so ranged in age that they really need me to take one on one to play with them the way they can. Woogie can't throw a ball for The Dew to bat yet. The Dew does get on Woogies level and has a blast. I also help Lover out a lot on his farm. Plus I have senior level school starting in two weeks.

I haven't had sexytime with Lover in over a week. We didn't get anything on sat, I rushed home on Tues, I gave up my night yesterday. Its not right. I am dealing with the same shit she is and she fells more entitled to take it out on me. Mind you I am the closest person to her, but still she is mixing venting and attacking. I mean she even threatened the big D. WTF? So once I did get my baring I did rip her a new asshole, about three times.


Seriously, this morning she is sitting in the truck sipping her Monster without anybody bothering her while I am covered in chips and juice, and dealing with the kids. I don't have anyone to really vent to. I donít feel like it would be right to cry on Lovers shoulder. I of course don't have any friends outside this dynamic, or a mother that looks past her own nose. My eyes hurt from crying, my tongue is still clenched between my teeth. I do have both kids cuddled up to me right now. The Dew is coloring a long lost coloring book, The Woogie is looking at a book.
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I make the letter V. I am married to my wife Jewel (MtoF) for 8 years. Adopted into our family is my Sextoy/SSO (Straight Male).--Not living together.
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  #38  
Old 08-07-2011, 05:04 PM
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Default Wierdness....

This old friend for Cali surpised us with a visit yesterday. I will call him S. S for Scorpio, and swinger. He was my first impression of an open relationship. Not a good first impression. With the kids a sleep and us under the starry sky with way too much beer coursing through our systems Jewell and I made out. S joined in. I was sandwiched between two people. The love was intense. Jewell said that he was feeling my pleasure and he was able to experience it. I think they were both using me as a vehicle, because they are both gay shy. Knowing both of them I can see what they can't. We didnít get pas third base. I was glad about that. S slept with us that night and tried to poke around with me. I managed to keep him at bay. He is so lusty and I find that sooo unattractive.

I love Lover. He loves me. I realize that as my head was swirling and pounding this morning. It is so much more than wanting to fuck me. No he takes that as a bonus. He mainly enjoys me being me, cooking, cuddling, and touching. He was talking to Jewell yesterday, as she was going through some stuff. It is sweet how deeply he loves everyone in the family. We will see him today. I cannot wait. I must go and get ready. I need him. Not just sexually. I need the kisses, the touching. I am up and moving nowÖ..
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I make the letter V. I am married to my wife Jewel (MtoF) for 8 years. Adopted into our family is my Sextoy/SSO (Straight Male).--Not living together.
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  #39  
Old 08-08-2011, 05:20 PM
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Default Pizza and Love

Hurray for me and Lover time! Jewell dropped me off. She had her work cut out for her today. Lover and I had a farm chore we had to complete, that took an hour. It was hard not tearing his clothes off. Once it was done we jumped in a quick cool shower, and finally bed. We had such a fun relaxing time. It wasn't tell almost 9pm that I spotted Jewell's lights on the road.

Jewell actually asked me, earlier that day, if I had enough love time with Lover. It was a shock. A good shock. For once he wasn't shy with the sex part. I told it was all good, and that was it. I am one to keep bedroom stuff in the bedroom. She would have gave me all night if I wanted it. We have things to get done today, so tempting as it was I will wait tell I have a open day with no rushing around.

Lover and I made dinner. Homemade pizza seems to become our specialty. He started the dough and I finished it with flour and kneading. He made the sauce. I put together two beautiful pizzas that came out great. Woogie crashed early on his bed. Rayne was really laid back, after she had played her games with Lover. It wasn't until midnight that we headed home.
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I make the letter V. I am married to my wife Jewel (MtoF) for 8 years. Adopted into our family is my Sextoy/SSO (Straight Male).--Not living together.
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  #40  
Old 08-08-2011, 11:10 PM
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Default Lessons Learned This Week

1. Jewell and I have been calling each other sister a lot more to get use to it. I am momma outside of our V. I feel a great shift has taken place in our marriage and the aftershocks are finally fading.

2. Jewell and I are coming to understand that we both approach life in our own fashion. We both admitted that we sometimes think the other one comes at it wrong. She worries, and spins out. I find humor and appear to space out. She massively externalizes. I massively internalize.

3. We both cycle, and our blow out happened at the moment I am starting PMS symptoms, and she is also in need of her estrogen.

4. I seen a sweet example of ORE. It reminded me so much of Jewell and I. It was just a comforting as a hot bowl of soup, and a warm hug. I know it sounds corny but I can't really find any better a way of describing it. I can tell in our neighborhood circle, and our families, that Jewell and I's relationship is highly looked up on. A lot of people come to us for support and love energy. I love being able to give that.

5. Jewell and I are going to make it. I think this is the first time I have actually said that in over a year!

6. Lover is seeing that we make it. He even offered to be a mediator as we sorted through some marriage issues. He is very unbiased.

7. Lover is very well hung. I seen S's thingy erect and with a few others I have seen (I have been with only two people all the way) I am now understanding why he often has to take it easy.

8. Jewell has stated that she has noticed that I am becoming a very empowered person. She was proud that I didn't take just anybody. She was proud I found someone that loves not lusts. I haven't pick a bad relationship, yet. Mind you this is my second shot, and I am 26. There is still room for err. She said she was proud to be my sister.

9. I think Jewell is almost ready to find a boyfriend!!

10. Don't be afraid to step out of your bounds. It helps you grow as a person. I believe that you are growing or dying. I am everchanging!!
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I make the letter V. I am married to my wife Jewel (MtoF) for 8 years. Adopted into our family is my Sextoy/SSO (Straight Male).--Not living together.
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