Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 07-02-2011, 11:04 PM
Abstract Abstract is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 20
Default

Thanks for your reply Nycindie..

I know that we don't have to move anyone in. I always feel a little bit torn between what will make me most happy and what will make my Partner most happy.

She has a BF(they are non-sexual right now) in mind that she would like to have live with us at some point. Her request was that I consider it. Which I am trying very hard to do. We have done it once before and you could write a book on all the mistakes we made.

We are pretty new to this in my opinion. She has been seeing other people for about two years on and off, and things seem to go pretty well when they don't live with us. When they do it causes so many conflicts. I feel like a lot of the conflicts are my fault.

I am mono and I am just better at sharing my space with one partner. I am not so good at sharing it with two : (

I see all the good that can come with it, and I also see all the bad.

As a friend I care very much for this BF of hers, but living wise I see so many things and habbits that he has that I just can't deal with : (

I want to give it my best effort to consider it, and we said that we would revist the topic in 6months. I guess I am trying to do some serious thinking right now, but I just keep coming back to the fear of history repeating its self.

What would make it different this time?.......
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 07-03-2011, 02:47 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 6,769
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Abstract View Post
She has a BF(they are non-sexual right now) in mind that she would like to have live with us at some point. Her request was that I consider it.

. . . I am mono and I am just better at sharing my space with one partner. I am not so good at sharing it with two : (

What would make it different this time?.......
Well, first of all, a BF is not a commodity to move in or out like a piece of furniture. Not saying you two are looking at it that way, but the wording you used comes across somewhat like that. He has feelings, thoughts, opinions, and might not even want to move in. Does he? I think what would make it different is everyone sitting down together and communicating about what you'd want from the situation. Fo you, I would assume private time with your partner, and private space, is a biggie.

I truly have the sense that you want to make your partner happy, to respect her desire to be poly, and you don't want to be difficult. HOWEVER, maybe she should respect that fact that you are mono and need your space. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you not being able to live with her OSO. If she is insistent upon that, she is perhaps being a bit selfish. You don't have to concede everything that makes you happy just to try and make her happy. She's gonna have to find her happiness within the compromise.

Obviously there are cases, like Mono and Redpepper, where the living situation is shared by a mono and poly, but they took a long time to get there, really thought it through very carefully, and Mono has a separate space in the same house. Read Redpepper's blog to learn about it. There are other situations where the poly partner stays at different places part of the week, and the mono partner has their own space which isn't invaded by the OSO. If living with your partner's OSO has been problematic before, consider that. Really, read Vodkafan's threads for info on a split week between two places.
__________________
Hot chick in the city.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 07-03-2011, 08:45 AM
Polymonial's Avatar
Polymonial Polymonial is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 27
Default

For our V/triad, we're great when we're all living together, and it sucks when one or more of us are apart. But I know other poly groups that are the opposite: it works great for them in separate living arrangements, but they wouldn't want to all live under the same roof. It really depends on what you want as a group.

In any case, I think the key is constant communication. If someone is unhappy about something/anything, then they need to speak up. And everyone else in the tribe needs to listen and be supportive. One of the best pieces of advise came from a RL poly friend of mine when we first created our tribe. He said that being poly is all about talking. Talking. And then talking some more, until you're all talked out. It really works.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 07-03-2011, 09:18 PM
Abstract Abstract is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 20
Default

: ) I am sorry I didn't mean to make it sound like I was refering to BF, as an object. He is not by any means and object or without feeling. I love him and care for him very much. I think it might have come across that way, because I am trying to avoid posting too much emotion.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 07-03-2011, 09:54 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 6,769
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Abstract View Post
: ) I am sorry I didn't mean to make it sound like I was refering to BF, as an object. He is not by any means and object or without feeling. I love him and care for him very much. I think it might have come across that way, because I am trying to avoid posting too much emotion.
No, I didn't mean to imply that you looked at him that way, just that when you talk about moving someone in or not, it is important to discuss it amongst all three and see what everyone's needs and desires are, rather than just logistics. Actually, I think I'm still not being clear, sorry.

But now I'm confused - I thought you meant earlier that there is a caring and respect for your metamour, but now you say you love your gf's bf. Just trying to get clear on the situation.
__________________
Hot chick in the city.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 07-03-2011, 10:10 PM
Abstract Abstract is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 20
Default

I wish that we could split houses, but we have two children, and one is disabled it is very hard to go days at a time without another adult there to help me. I am very willing to stay home while they go out on dates two nights a week, even more.

Whats important I guess to know is that he practically lives with us already. He is at our house EVERYDAY. He spends many nights at our house. He comes on trips, he is at BBQs, family events all of that. He is never told that he can't come or that he is not invited.

He has been told to come by the house when ever he wants, and he takes full advantage.

He talks a lot about his needs not being met, because he doesn't live with us. I think he is mistaken about why his needs are not met. Living with us he will probably only find that less of his needs are being met.

Am I preventing him from getting his needs met, if he is not living with us?

It's one of the reasons why I question more if its the person, or just the ability for me to live with one of my partners BF's.....

I get a long great with this guy, but I frequently tell him having him around is like having another child. I say it jokingly but I really mean it. He pouts when he is not getting attention, even when its attention directed at the children. He causes a great deal of drama when he doesn't get his way.

I just find him to be really annoying I guess.

I want to get over thoes kinds of things about his personality and just say its not a big deal, who is he hurting? ....yet its one key factor in me not wanting to live with him.

The other problem is that we all see the idea of "living together" meaning something different as well....

I tend to look at it as meaning a long term commitment, of sorts....

My partner grew up in a community where she had many brothers and sisters, and several different adult role models, or even parents. Her parents owned a 30 room house. They took in travelers and families. She had different people in and out all the time. She loved many of them, but she never knew how long people where going to be there, days, weeks, months, some families lived there for years. So she feels like if someone lives with her she is no more commited, and no less committed than she would be at any other time.

She also really loves how she grew up. She said that she always had friends, and always had adults around to take interest in what she was doing her hobbies, and all of that so she always had someone to relate too.

She talks a lot about wanting to have this type of life again. About building more houses on our property, and having family and friends live there. That I really wouldn't mind. Being that we both live far from our families.

I know that B (that is what I will call BF) sees it as a bigger comitment as well. He talks about what he wants to change when and if he moves in and so forth. Now I am not saying he shouldnt have say in house rules and so forth, but he is refering to more of how he wants his relationship to change. For example, because her and I have an agreement that she will not date women, he wants her to say that if he moves in she will not see other men.

For her and I this not really an agreement, its actually her perefence not to be with other women, not my rule, although I admit its one I have grown to like : )

If she doesn't want to see other men I think that is fine. If it is what she wants, but she has expressed to me that its not really what she wants.

I know B wants "equality" I think that is why he desires to move in so much, and wanting equality is very understandable. I am just not sure moving in is going to get it for him.

Likewise does he want equality or control? I suppose that is a loaded question...

My partner really hasn't put any pressure on my in fact she hasn't mentioned it in like two months. I think I am putting the pressure on myself.....she says she will be happy either way. I know he won't be happy if I say no, but he doesn't know that she has asked me to think about it. We don't want to get his hopes up. We also don't want him to blame me. So we just tell him that it is too soon right now, and that we all need to be ready to talk about it all together, and that we are not.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 07-03-2011, 10:24 PM
Abstract Abstract is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 20
Default

LOL sorry my feelings for him confuse me sometimes as well.... your not the only one....I love him, but its a complicated emotion. I am not sure what that love means for me. Or how to express it, it takes on different meanings all the time. Sometimes he is like a brother almost, and other times like my kid, and other times I love him, simply because I see how much my partner loves him....He has so many child like tendencies, that its hard for me to relate to him as I would any other adult. He is incrediable mature in some ways, but emotinally he is very co-dependant....
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 07-03-2011, 10:30 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,281
Default

I had to check out your intro thread.

Quote:
I am a lesbian, and my partner, although she hates the label, is "bisexual..."
OK. So you are a mono lesbian and your partner is a poly bi woman. She has a bf and he comes over most days. You've told her she can't see any other women, and her bf says, if he moves in, she can't see other men either!

Yikes. Does she really want to date other women/men? Would she really forget about all other men just b/c the bf moved in?

I can understand if she is used to living in a sort of tribal situation in her upbringing (30 rooms? wow!) that she'd be all la di dah about just one guy moving in with you all. Does she understand you find him immature, pouty and too needy for you to imagine living with him? Does she know you're busy enough raising actual kids (one disabled no less) without taking on his stuff?

Sounds to me like not only do you not want him to move in, you'd really rather he came around less often, and slept at your house less often as well. You find him annoying and you feel he is invading your space, don't you?
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 07-03-2011, 11:16 PM
Abstract Abstract is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 20
Default

: ) You almost got it right. I never told her she could not be with other women, that was what she told me she wanted.... If she said she wanted to see other women it would be harder, but I would be ok with it.

I am not sure why he says he doesn't want her seeing other men if he moves in. Maybe its like and ego thing. "If she's gonna be the only girl than I am gonna be the only guy" on his part I am not sure.

She tells him that she will not agree to that....that it's not something that will work for her. So he will say things like "well that's ok I guess I'll just have to be happy with living with you than"... "a few days later he is back to why do you need other men when you have me"

She very much undestands the situation with our son. As he is her biological son. I am not left to "fend" for myself, but yes I do take care of many of the house hold responsibilities including the kids on my own when she is not home, she won't go away for days at a time that is why living aprt will never really work. She knows that would be unfair, and she is a very hands on parent. I don't think she wishes to be away from the kids for that long.

It is also why B spends so much time at our house. That and he hates his own home. He lives in an apartment attached to his relatives land and, they treat him very badly because of him being bi-sexual and whatever else they can think of. He is not deserving of ther treatment towards him.

Yes she knows I think he is immature, and that I find him to be annoying. She doesn't offer up much disagreement to it either. So I am not sure if she just has a better tolerance for it, or what.

"We" more so her than me, kind of take care of him like he is a kid, I think. I pointed it out to her a few weeks ago. I thought about it, and I am like we buy him clothes, he is on our cell phone plan, he eats our food, we help him with paperwork, we give him gas money....hummmmm why do I feel like I am going to be doing the same thing for our other kid in two years : )

He does do plenty of things for us as well, so I am not trying to deminish what he does. He helps do out door things around our house, he spends time with the kids, he has seen them off to school a few times for us. We are doing some remodeling he helps with that, and he will buy groceries now and than.

He can actually be a lot of fun too! I am not going to say that I don't have fun with him, or that he is not a really good person. He is awesome in smaller doses!

I do feel like my space is invaded! thanks! you nailed it!......

I feel very guilty though when I say that or feel that way. I feel like if I am asking for alone time I am making both of them unhappy. He feels let out, and she feels bad that he feels left out.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 07-03-2011, 11:32 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,281
Default

Ach. Of course you need alone time. Most of us do. Some people are introverts and get really worn out after being with others too much.

I am fairly extroverted but really enjoy my "me time."

Hm, so he isn't actually having sex with your gf? Why not?

He's bi but doesn't want male lovers? Why not? Is he asexual? Does your gf want to have sex with him and he won't, or is there some other reason this guy that is over all the time isnt actually having sex with his gf?

B doesnt get along with his parents and so wants to escape. Why live with you 2? Why not get roommates in an apartment like most young men that don't want to live with their parents do?

To me, any guy that feels jealous when the kids are getting the attention he feels he deserves, is immature and needy and probably has low self esteem. My ex (note, ex), father of our kids, used to resent the attention our young children needed and took it out on me in passive aggressive ways.

How old are your kids?
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boundaries, cohabitation, triad

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:29 AM.