poly for the relationship

[redsirenn]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

If you're ok with the poly stuff, then it strikes me that there's no problem.

what do you mean by this?

Originally Posted by Ceoli

But if you're viewing the poly as a source of agony in your relationship, then I would give that some serious thought.

Yeah - exactly what I am doing... giving it serious thought. The thing is, how will I even know about this without diving in? I can only "think" so far into it.

[ladyjools]

i don't see anything wrong for doing something for someone else, as long as it is not something that is harmful to you,
that doesn't mean that its not difficult but if its causing you to have a breakdown then its time to have a re-think, i think it also depends on how much he is giving in this relationship does he meet your needs, comunicate and make you feel loved?

Jools

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by redsirenn

I don't even know if I buy that - why is it wrong to do something FOR someone or BECAUSE of someone else's needs? Where is the line drawn?

If any one buys into this they are painfully narcissistic!! Of course it is not wrong to do something for some one...putting others ahead of yourself is a fundamental philosophy that takes care of the less fortunate in the world. Some people show love this way.

When you do things for others that adversely affect your health and heart, that is when you have a problem.

[Ceoli]

Originally Posted by redsirenn

what do you mean by this?

I mean that if you're fundamentally ok with having a poly relationship with your partner, then there's really no problem

Originally Posted by redsirenn

- exactly what I am doing... giving it serious thought. The thing is, how will I even know about this without diving in? I can only "think" so far into it.

So why aren't you diving in? I get the sense that you've been preventing yourself from diving in. I don't know the full story, but I remember that you've been in a sort of holding pattern, with your partner holding off on pursuing outside relationships while you work that stuff out. The thing is, there's only so long you can stay in a holding pattern before you decide whether it's right for you or not. I get the sense you haven't made that decision. I get the sense that you're trying to convince yourself of things rather than listen to your actual feelings. If you don't know what you want, you're not going to be able to get what you want out of your relationship.

Generally when I'm finding myself stuck in questions like these, it's usually because deep down, I really know the answer. I just don't want that particular answer to be right.

[redsirenn]

thank you.

Yes - he is meeting my needs. that is why i want the relationship!
and thanks Mono, I agree with you.

all - You have really helped me today

[rolypoly]

Originally Posted by redsirenn

is going thru all of this for the sake of a relationship "good" for a person. or should that person want it for reasons that pertain to them as well?

People have responded to other aspects of your question, redsirenn. What I'm wondering is if this sentiment stems from the old cliches in the dating world.

Why would he buy the cow if he's getting the milk free....
You can't change someone...
Don't have sex until x dates.....

...and it's unhealthy to do x in a relationship...

Obviously, there is truth to a lot of this. You will have a hard time if you think that someone will change during the course of your relationship because you want them to. And it's very healthy to have a relationship with yourself first.

I'm just wondering how much validity there is to the idea that it's unhealthy to sacrifice certain things for a relationship. We sacrifice for our jobs, for our children, for all sorts of things. Why is it suddenly unhealthy to sacrifice something for a relationship, if it's what you want?

...just my thoughts and probably some of my own baggage.

I don't even know if I buy that - why is it wrong to do something FOR someone or BECAUSE of someone else's needs? Where is the line drawn?

Exactly. I think it's very personal. If what you want is to put energy into these two relationships and pursue poly and you are not sacrificing something you may later regret, then I say there's a healthy way to do it. (By regret, I mean the "What was I thinking, I was so blinded" kind of regret).

Maybe you can look at ways to manage your time so you can fit everything into your life that you desire to fit. And maybe you can find the personal, "I'm doing this for me" benefits to what you feel is sacrificing for a relationship.

Does that make sense?

roly

[bookworm]

I'm dealing with this some myself. I am happy with the poly relationship that I currently in, altho it is extremely complicated. However, I see it as inevitable that my primary relationship will someday end. I don't know if this is a type of relationship that I wll wish to pursue again with my now secondary and someone else. However, he really wishes for me too. I feel pushed to continue this in the future, when quite possibly I would be very happy just to be with him. I don't mind for him to continue with his bf, but I'm not sure that I would want a 2nd bf. I guess I should just take things as they are and not agonize over something that hasn't happened yet. But I think about it as my 2nd has brought it up before.

[redsirenn]

Why do you see it as inevitable that you primary relationship will end? No one can predict the future...

[bookworm]

Originally Posted by redsirenn

Why do you see it as inevitable that you primary relationship will end? No one can predict the future...

There are alot of factors involved. Hes nearly 25 years my senior. We have talked about it and we both feel that eventually something will change. We know its not forever but will take things as they are for now.