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Old 11-04-2009, 05:29 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Default maintaining self-identity

Hey all!
Ouroboros and I had a discussion last night about beginning the discussions regarding opening our relationship. I was scared, but knew it was coming. I can read his body language and knew he needed to talk about something. So - A couple of things came from that for me, that i didn't discover until I analyzed my dreams in my dream... wierd, I know.

1) I was really happy not talking about this stuff. I was feeling peaceful, not stressed out, things were going great, etc. We have been dating for a while now, but only 2 months of which have been exclusive, and then we had that whole kiss thing to work thru. I feel like although we have been dating for a while, I haven't felt at "peace" for most of it. He is kind've freaked out that we have been sexually exclusive (he didn't sleep with anyone else during the whole time) but I still went home and would wonder if he had since nothing was agreed upon until recently. That was a bit stressful - wondering. Now we are more "put together", due to that 2 months of exclusivity and calmness... but it just doesn't feel as long to me as it does to him since I don't count all those months of wondering who we were as a couple and having to work thru that boundary break that hurt me. So - Last night in my dream I was upset that I did not have more time.

2) This sucks. Not the relationship - that is great. But I just want some more peace!!! So, then I realized my biggest fear is losing myself in this relationship - spending all that time working thru stuff, and getting distracted from my music, art, school, friends, etc.

So, friends, How do you maintain your self identity in such a complicated relationship dynamic which requires so much work? Do you have to schedule time and separate these tasks? How do you do that when this stuff circles in your mind all day?
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Old 11-04-2009, 06:09 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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It's taken me 10 months to get to a place of "peace" as you describe it. I think Redpepper might have some good advice in this is she is a person with much more going on than I. I don't have a lot going on, never have.

I do find the idea that he is freaked out by being sexually exclusive for two months a little odd...it almost makes his polyness sound sexually driven. That is not the topic however.

Take care
Mono
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Old 11-08-2009, 02:50 AM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Ok - The previous post was clarified. I am writing now, because I am BORED BORED BORED. and holding myself back from contacting Ouroboros... because I know there are a million things I can do with my time other than with him... and I know we are spending all day tomorrow together. I am fighting the urge though because it is Sat night... all my friends are out of town... and I am home alone. blah. The fight to maintain self identity can be a pain in the butt sometimes.

I already gave myself a manicure, went on a walk, took photos, ate dinner, and watched episodes of LOST. It isn't even 7pm. I suppose I could do homework. BUT how geeky can one get, already! Maybe I will paint or play music.

Anyone else ever have this issue?
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Old 11-08-2009, 02:59 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
2) This sucks. Not the relationship - that is great. But I just want some more peace!!! So, then I realized my biggest fear is losing myself in this relationship - spending all that time working thru stuff, and getting distracted from my music, art, school, friends, etc.
This is something I was kind of confused about. Isn't all this *part* of the relationship? I don't see how you can keep this compartmentalized from your relationship and say one is hard but the other is great.
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Old 11-08-2009, 03:08 AM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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The relationship is great. I was afraid... again... surprise! If you haven't noticed, that is generally my hangup. I thought about what you said in an earlier post, and really thought about it. The thing I don't want to admit to myself, is that I cannot tell the future, that I cannot always predict was will work out best for me, and that all I wanted to do was RUN... away from what I am afraid of. Which to be honest is relationships in general. That sucks having to admit to oneself, that you are not as fearful as you thought you were! I am a worry wort - and generally go to the worst case scenario (I am SURE this is a result of my divorce, something I am constantly working through)

But - we talked, a couple more times... And like they usually do, the conversations went well - we both felt listened to, and made a decision to start talking about how we would shape our open relationship. I think this will help... we've been talking in circles, and its time to move forward, or else i wont face anything, neither will he, and then we will be stuck... and probably unhappy.

And Ironically (if you see the sharing success and happines thread started by Mono - I made a post on there) I felt elated afterwards, and at peace. So - what was I reminded of? To keep trucking onward until I ACTUALLY do hit a wall, instead of constantly looking for it, and wondering where and when it will pop up without actually searching for it.
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