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Old 07-13-2011, 02:47 AM
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Default I am an admitted Jealous Freak!!

We have been open since January. I have to admit, I haven't exactly made it easy on him to go out and fool around. I'm okay with it, I just want him to check in with me and let me know that I'm still his number 1 even though he's out with somebody else. Not fair, I know. I just have really bad jealousy!!

Being that I know he's a relational person, and not the type of guy to gain enjoyment out of one night stands, I have suggested moving to a poly marriage. More a V, where he is the hinge. He is out of town right now and won't be back until around midnight, so I'm sure we won't get to talk about it tonight. But, when we do, I would really like to be able to tell him that I am working on my jealousy issues and that I have a game plan in place to handle it.

So, what do you all recommend?? What can he do to help me still know that I'm number 1 (we've been married almost 13 years) and what can I do to be content in that fact and not lose my mind? I know he loves me. I have no doubts about that. I just worry that he'll leave me anyways. To be honest, I don't have a good self image. Yes, I have a hot, sexy body. But, I had an accident several years ago that disfigured part of my face and I suffer from chronic pain as a result. So, I really worry that he'll find somebody else to be the complete pain free, beautiful package that compliments him better than me (he's hot too!!).
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Old 07-13-2011, 03:28 AM
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If you look for the tag "jealousy", there's plenty in the forums for ideas and such. You can start with the idea that jealousy is common and that feeling jealous doesn't make you a bad person. Our feelings are what they are; it's how we handle them that define who we are.

You also sound like you have some worry about security. As a poly male married to a mono female, it was really hard on me finding someone who I could trust to love and accept me. Her support means the world to me, and not a day goes by that I'm not thankful for her. Who's to say that your husband doesn't feel the same way about his loving wife?

In my experience, love isn't a zero-sum. Anyone else your husband may love can increase his total capacity for love, not detract from what love he already has. At least, that's what I believe.

Here's a very simple question: Have you told your husband in blunt terms that you need reminders that you're his #1? Us dudes sometimes need reminders of things that y'all ladies take as obvious. It's especially helpful for us foolish men if you also suggest specific things that remind you your awesome. (For example, I make my wife's coffee every morning though i don't drink coffee as a everyday way of saying she's special.)

Another idea: ask if he can schedule his nights out in advance so that you can have girls' night out those nights. That way you each have a fun night, and no one is at home on the couch obsessing too much.

Another thing you might consider is a jealousy-buddy (you might not use that term with the person, but you get the idea). In other words, have someone you can talk to (online, in person, or on the phone) that will let you vent when you get worried and will help keep you focused on how yummy you are.

*hug*
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Old 07-13-2011, 03:33 AM
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I like the "jealousy buddy" idea. I have a friend I talk to when I feel jealousy croping up.
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Old 07-13-2011, 03:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
I like the "jealousy buddy" idea. I have a friend I talk to when I feel jealousy croping up.
I like it too! I also think I know who I could use. Funny part is, she was my best friend, she had an affair with my husband (before we were open and now poly), things ended very ugly with her, but now, we're friends again and talk nearly every day. I actually think that if I had a choice on who my DH chose as his girlfriend, I could honestly say, I would choose her. The circles we make! He loved her, she loved him, I loved her as a sister, she loved me as a sister, DH loves me, our children all love each other. All of three of us can talk about anything with each other. But, I may have burned that bridge by ending their affair and she lives in another state.

So, even if she wasn't the girlfriend, I really feel that I could talk to her straight and she would most definitely set me straight if I'm having a jealousy fit.
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Old 07-13-2011, 08:49 PM
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In my experience anyone who basis their relationship on the looks of someone and how active they are sexually is shallow and not worth my time in the long run. If this is what he is doing then if I were you I would let him go. I don't hold any value in that kind of thing personally. I haven't seen anyone look super hot their entire lives and really, when it comes down to it and at the end of the day, the only thing worth holding on to for me is strength of character and what someone has achieved in terms of bettering themselves and the world. Besides, one persons idea of hot is not necessarily anothers.

Having said that I would work on my self in all areas of my life and create a beautiful balance of mental, physical and social health so that I have good self esteem and present to the world like the person I want to be. Part of that is looking at what my needs are and voicing them so that they can be negotiated. It sounds like you have done that with him. Do you trust that he loves you? If not suggest ways that he can express that and then leave him to do them so you can build trust. Time does so much for the feelings you are having. Especially if you get about doing your own thing and relying on your self for love as much as him and others.
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Old 07-13-2011, 11:27 PM
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Oh, it's not him at all that is hooked on the looks. He tells me I'm beautiful, hot, sexy, etc. all the time. I am the one that is unconfident in myself. It's a self esteem thing.
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Old 07-14-2011, 01:42 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by openbj View Post
................
So, what do you all recommend?? What can he do to help me still know that I'm number 1 (we've been married almost 13 years) and what can I do to be content in that fact and not lose my mind? I know he loves me. I have no doubts about that. I just worry that he'll leave me anyways. To be honest, I don't have a good self image. Yes, I have a hot, sexy body. But, I had an accident several years ago that disfigured part of my face and I suffer from chronic pain as a result. So, I really worry that he'll find somebody else to be the complete pain free, beautiful package that compliments him better than me (he's hot too!!).
Well OpenBJ, here's what I recommend..........

First - give up the whole "#1" thing ! Relationships, love, etc are NOT about competition. This is not all about building/living in some hierarchy. So that's the first thing you need to dispense with. Once that is gone, a lot of other things will fall into place naturally.
There are things/areas where you will come 'first' - and there are things where you WON'T ! And likely will be thankful not to.

We often say other people can fill in desirable gaps in our lives/interests but it's just as true that other people can take a load OFF our back by giving our loved ones space to engage in things we have absolutely NO interest in !

I can also say this, and I think I can get plenty of backup on it..........

As much as any of us enjoys a pretty face, a hard body, whatever - we are not about to walk away from someone we care about that offers many other qualities we respect, admire & love. It's all part of a bigger picture. Just make sure you don't slop black paint all over a picture he's come to love.........

GS
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Old 07-14-2011, 10:42 PM
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Thank you GS. I've been reading through a lot on this board lately, in preparation to talk with my hubby and get myself prepared and a plan of action in place for me to deal with my insecurities and issues.

We talked last night. It was a GREAT talk!! I explained everything to him, we talked through my issues, his issues, etc. I told him basically the same thing, that I know I've been weighing him down with my jealousy and it's time for me to let it go and let him be who he is. That I know he loves me, but that he's also capable of loving someone else and still loving me as well. And, I'm okay with that, even excited about it.

We talked about "finding" that special significant other for him. We both agreed on who we would like to talk to. It's our good friend A, who yes, they did have an affair last year, but I wasn't open to him being poly then. I didn't even really know it was an option. So, I had fought them, and he gave her up for me. It's been tearing them both up, because they really do love one another. She completes a part of him that I can't and I complete a part of him that she can't. When he had us both last year, before I found out and ruined it, he was the happiest I had seen him in a long time. So, we will be talking to A. I will be the one to break the ice on that subject, so that she knows where everything stands. She and I have been rebuilding our friendship (I love her like a sister!!) for a few months now. I am actually EXTREMELY excited to talk to her. Even when they had their affair, she would always tell my hubby, "This can't ruin your marriage. You love your wife too much, she loves you too much, and I love you both too much." Oh, if I had only been wiser then!! I really can't wait to bring A in as a partner in the ultimate goal of happiness and love. I miss her and her kids so badly!!
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  #9  
Old 07-15-2011, 04:11 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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BJ,

Thanks for the wonderful story !

I hope you don't mind if I borrow your response as the leader for another thread intended to attract such positive stories & feelings.
If you have a problem with that please say so and one of our mods can easily remove the thread.
But I found it so heartwarming I felt it worth using as an example of where we can be once we stop swimming against the current !

GS
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