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  #31  
Old 06-24-2011, 06:08 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
Wow! There's also a second time for everything! And on the same day too! Pretty cool.
Yes, but I haven't read this month's Maxim. Maybe I actually do find attached men more attractive.
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  #32  
Old 06-25-2011, 02:04 AM
serialmonogamist serialmonogamist is offline
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Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
Alright, apparently I have to precisely state, no, I do not find attached men more attractive.

And even if I did, the second one would make a move, he would instantly become unattractive (assuming this is a mono relationship), because he's a cheater.
Applause to you for refusing to respond to a cheater, but that moral action (which I agree with) is not the same thing as feeling less attraction. Attraction is one thing and moral/rational choice is different; they can conflict.

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Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
I am a woman and i am not more attracted to people just because they are in a relationship (men or women). There. i said it. There is a first time for everything. Never say never.
What about looking at it the other way around? Do single guys that are lonely and desperate have the same dating appeal as men who come across as if they are socially secure and self-confident? That security and self-confidence could come from being in a relationship or elsewhere, like being comfortable in his situation despite being single.

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According to this line of reasoning, you must not be in a relationship right now.
Why is that? Are you making this personal or just observing something about my post?

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I'm a little curious though. Do you also get your information about "what women like in bed" from porno flicks?
I think I'm coming across as an arrogant man who claims to know everything about women. I actually don't avoid coming across that way because I dislike false humility, but I actually heard the thing about men in relationships being more attractive from various women (don't ask me whether they were porno actresses, directors, or producers because I didn't ask them)


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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
In my experience, I have found it much easier to be around and talk with women when I am attached. I also found them more responsive to that level of relaxed interaction regardless if they knew I was attached or not. From my perspective it is easy to see the why. When I was younger and single, I was driven by the desire to get laid. I think this came across through my energy and general tone. I was in "hunter" mode for lack of a better term and I think women are very perceptive to that.
This is along the lines of what I was saying.
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  #33  
Old 06-25-2011, 02:21 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by serialmonogamist View Post
Applause to you for refusing to respond to a cheater, but that moral action (which I agree with) is not the same thing as feeling less attraction. Attraction is one thing and moral/rational choice is different; they can conflict.
Actually, not for me. If someone is a dick, I don't find them attractive. I would classify cheaters as dicks. It actually takes me a while to find a man attractive. I think less than ten men in my life I've been "swoony" over without actually knowing them. And some of them opened their mouths and were morons and I fell quite out of lust with them.

So yeah. Attraction just doesn't work that way for me with men.
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  #34  
Old 06-25-2011, 01:07 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by serialmonogamist View Post
I think I'm coming across as an arrogant man who claims to know everything about women. I actually don't avoid coming across that way because I dislike false humility


This is along the lines of what I was saying.
You are coming across that way and it is very boring.
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  #35  
Old 06-25-2011, 03:24 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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serialmonogamist, please take your attitudes about what women want to another board. The women here are polyamorous (or partnered with polys at least) and are not interested in relationships with cheaters.

I should think that would be obvious, but apparently not, and you are coming across as a troll.

Women, and men, here, are not looking for casual hookups with cheaters, so your observations are superfluous, to say the least.

Also, saying women should dress unattractively so men won't look at them is quite insulting. You're implying we should all have stringy greasy hair and dress in ill fitting rags and never wear makeup? How about a full coverage burka? Would that help your inescapable lust?
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  #36  
Old 06-25-2011, 03:25 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Also, saying women should dress unattractively so men won't look at them is quite insulting. You're implying we should all have stringy greasy hair and dress in ill fitting rags and never wear makeup? How about a full coverage burka? Would that help your inescapable lust?
Come on Mags, it's our own damn fault we get raped.
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  #37  
Old 06-26-2011, 01:29 AM
serialmonogamist serialmonogamist is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
serialmonogamist, please take your attitudes about what women want to another board. The women here are polyamorous (or partnered with polys at least) and are not interested in relationships with cheaters.

I should think that would be obvious, but apparently not, and you are coming across as a troll.

Women, and men, here, are not looking for casual hookups with cheaters, so your observations are superfluous, to say the least.

Also, saying women should dress unattractively so men won't look at them is quite insulting. You're implying we should all have stringy greasy hair and dress in ill fitting rags and never wear makeup? How about a full coverage burka? Would that help your inescapable lust?
Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
Come on Mags, it's our own damn fault we get raped.
I'm not implying anything and I'm not trolling. You're implying that I can't put things I've heard up for discussion because they may resonate with mono culture? Please let me make one thing clear: if I state something that I've heard or that I think, it's just that, hearsay or a (subjective) thought. I am not claiming to be an authority on women generally because I don't believe that women (or men) are not unique individuals. If there is a gendered difference between women and men where attraction to self-confidence is involved, it probably has to do with the fact that a masculine culture has developed where men are attracted to female vulnerability and weakness instead of feeling threatened by it, while another (complementary) culture of femininity has developed in which women seek confidence and strength and eschew the idea of playing strong leader to a man's weak follower-ness. This is not something that defines individuals of either sex because of their sex. It is a culture of heteronormativity that has been challenged and transcended in many ways by many but also continues to survive and be practiced by many (many people do both in various ways). So while the reality is very complex, I don't really feel like writing a PhD dissertation in every post so excuse me if I come across sounding sexist or otherwise offensive, dumb, etc. sometimes. If you avoid assuming my beliefs based on stereotypical assumptions about implications of things I'm discussing, you might see that I am investigating these things to understand them better and go deeper than the tiresome stereotypes we're all too familiar with.

To clarify regarding what I said about making oneself look attractive is that the point of it is to look attractive, which has the effect of attracting. That doesn't imply women (or men) should avoid looking attractive unless you consider it a negative thing to (try to) look attractive. I wouldn't imply that anyone SHOULD behave in anyway except by saying explicitly what I think, and then I would still view it as my opinion only and I would not assume that anyone is going to do what I say because I say they should. People are free to make their own choices. I'm free to say what I think. Why is their any assumption of power to control/manipulate others? Isn't it possible to discuss things without it having automatic implications and prescriptive effects?
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  #38  
Old 06-28-2011, 04:52 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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This thread seems to have gotten sidetracked....

I just wanted to say hi and welcome to the original poster, Snow.

Thanks for sharing! Your approach makes sense to me. I too feel that wanting casual sex with friends you care about (which is not remotely the same as seeking casual hookups with strangers!) is part of what has led me to exploring polyamory.

I'm still learning about different types of polyamory and/or other forms of non-monogamy, and trying to figure out which form would work best for me.

I'm identifying as non-monogamous right now, rather than the more specific label "poly," because falling in love or being in love isn't that important to me. I fall in love very rarely.

But I think there is a whole range of "feelings" that include varying degrees of tenderness, caring, emotional intimacy, friendship, attraction and/or sexual connection--which I experience even when I don't fall in love.

--Meera
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  #39  
Old 06-30-2011, 01:28 AM
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Snowdancer Snowdancer is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
|Ya, sorry snowdancer, I kinda got that too. It seemed like what you were missing in monogamoy was more sex with other people and then when you mentioned AFF I thought that what you meant was that you thought poly was about the multiple fuck partners. To be honest it got my back up so I didn't bother responding just yet.... thanks for speaking up NYCindie and thanks for clarifying Snowdancer... I'm happy for you that you found a path that might work for you

just a note about communication; its seems to be a good idea to check peoples tone by asking them if they intended to have one first... it just saves a lot of heartache, know what I mean? (years of being a mod here has made me come to realize that big time!)
Thanks for the guidance Mod. I have to admit I may have over-reacted to the comment. I'm just starting to figure out some things about myself and was expecting to find similar people here with welcoming comments. Unfortunately, the comment posted seemed a little judgmental to me. Imagine the first comment you get with your first post is sort of negative or just rubs you wrong. It's not a good way to get started. But they were just expressing an opinion which should be fine. My over-reaction. I probably just haven't learned enough yet to understand their perspective. Sorry if I over-did it folks!
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  #40  
Old 06-30-2011, 01:54 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Sorry if I over-did it folks!
meh, no biggy. Its happened before. Usually people who come here are working on some heavy shit. People deal with that in different ways. Glad to hear you are willing to admit you were struggling and move on. Glad you're back!
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