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Old 06-21-2011, 01:30 AM
RunBabyRun RunBabyRun is offline
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Question I'm so nervous and I could use some advice

Rider and I just made the decision to open our marriage a little over a week ago. I am interested in forming a friendship with a man from one of my classes last semester. He demonstrated some attraction to me but he also knows I am married.

Iím really nervous! I am interested in this man as a friend and Iím attracted to him physically. We had chemistry although I did not do anything to lead him on because Rider and I were in a closed relationship at the time.

I emailed Mr.X a few days ago and suggested we get together. We had talked about biking or hiking together last time we spoke. He replied that ďabsolutely we should get togetherĒ. I called him today to set that up and heís going to get back to me with the details. He said heíd call or e-mail me but he hasnít yet (OK, itís only been 8 hours since we talked but it makes me think that maybe heís uncomfortable). Iím probably over-thinking this.

Iím nervous for several reasons.... first, this will be my first experience with this whole poly thing. I have other male friends and professional contacts that I meet for coffee but never one that Iíve been attracted to. Iím nervous because I donít want to stress or hurt Rider and being the first one to act on the open marriage platform is a lot of pressure.

Hereís where I need some advice...keeping in mind that Rider is the only man Iíve ever dated (thatís right, folks) and we come from a very conservative ďboys ask girls outĒ and ďgirls shouldnít be forwardĒ background. So, I have NO experience in this department. I want Mr. X to know that although I am married I am free to develop my own relationships whether friendly or romantic. I guess Iím also kind of wanting to say in a not too aggressive way that I am interested in both his friendship and a physical relationship if it progresses that way. I donít want to blow this.

I want to calm any discomfort that Mr. X may have with spending time with a married woman and if he has any interest in me Iíd like to open the door for him. I also want to be respectful to Rider and to let Mr. X know that Iím not the kind of woman who goes behind her husbandís back (cheats).

The suspense is getting to me. Part of me wants to just blurt out to Mr. X that Rider and I are in an open marriage and that Iím interested in him, and did I imagine that we had chemistry or did he feel it too and is he interested in pursuing a deeper relationship with me. Then there is part of me (the inexperienced part maybe) that questions whether that approach is wise. Iím afraid that if Iím that blunt that itís going to overwhelm Mr. X and be too bold and then Iíve exposed myself and itíll get weird. I hate weirdness and I want this to be a good thing.

As far as I know Mr. X is not poly minded. We are both anthropology students so heís probably more open to the idea and has had more exposure to the idea than most but who knows. He is single and last I knew, he doesnít have a girlfriend. We're planning to go on a 1 1/2 hour hike on Wednesday morning (2 days from now). We may meet at the trail head or we may ride to the trail head together since it's a few miles out of town. Hopefully thatís enough info to allow good advice to be given.

Iíd appreciate any and all comments and advice you may have for me on how I can bring the topic up or if I should just bluntly go for it.

Oh, Iím thinking that if I donít tell him up front that he will avoid spending time with me because he doesnít want to cross any lines since Iím married. Then the chemistry will fade and Iíll have missed an opportunity to do something that I want to do.

OK, Iíll shut up now.
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Old 06-21-2011, 01:37 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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You've already got a date for a hike? Ask him to dinner during the hike.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 06-21-2011, 01:45 AM
Meringue Meringue is offline
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I think be blunt and honest. I think it might be more weird if you sort of beat around the bush about what you want and he is left wondering exactly what's going on. If you put everything on the table, it makes it easier for him to ask questions about what you expect from him, what he can expect from you, what the boundaries are, etc.
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Old 06-21-2011, 08:10 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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As you say you have no experience I don't think you should expect too much. I don't think you should assume too much either. Just go for a this date and see how you feel. If you feel good and enjoyed your time, then call him after and say so. Then ask him for dinner, or whatever, and be honest with him that you consider your time "date" time. By then you will likely be able to guage where he might be at and can communicate accordingly. Ask him what he is thinking and feeling too.

It might take a few "dates" for him and your partner to wrap your head around the fact that you consider your meeting up a date! So be it, go at their pace and take it slow for everyones sake. There is no rush, you have all the time in the world to figure out where you are going with this. Take a deep breath and try not to over think I know, easier said than done!
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Old 06-21-2011, 11:59 PM
RunBabyRun RunBabyRun is offline
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Default OK, breathe!

Autumnal Tone, you put a smile on my face and gave me confidence. Thank you.

Meringue, I like the upfront approach and Redpepper, I appreciate your advice to go slow. I haven't heard back from him today; he said he would call or e-mail me to set a time and give me directions. I am most definitely over-thinking right now. My guts are churning.

I'm going to combine this feedback and let him know up front that Rider and I are in an open marriage but leave it open enough that he doesn't feel the pressure of any kind of expectation from me romantically or otherwise.

Thanks again. It's so nice to have this opportunity to vent and to learn from those who have gone before us. This is so nerve wracking!
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Old 06-22-2011, 12:14 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RunBabyRun View Post
Autumnal Tone, you put a smile on my face and gave me confidence. Thank you.
He's good for something ain't he
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Old 06-22-2011, 12:33 AM
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River River is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RunBabyRun View Post
I am interested in forming a friendship with a man from one of my classes last semester. He demonstrated some attraction to me but he also knows I am married.
[....] I guess I’m also kind of wanting to say in a not too aggressive way that I am interested in both his friendship and a physical relationship if it progresses that way. I don’t want to blow this.
Do you want more than just sex? If so, why not hold off on the latter part and focus on the former part? You seriously don't yet know you want a physical relationship with him if you don't really know the guy very well, yet -- unless you just want to jump his bones. Which is fine, I suppose, if that's what you want. But if you want a friendship that may become a loverly relationship, the first part is ... well, friendship. Slow down, girl!
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Old 06-22-2011, 12:43 AM
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River River is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RunBabyRun View Post
Oh, Iím thinking that if I donít tell him up front that he will avoid spending time with me because he doesnít want to cross any lines since Iím married. Then the chemistry will fade and Iíll have missed an opportunity to do something that I want to do.
Now Hold On One Godfersaken Minute! If this man isn't man enough to have female friends, married or otherwise, just forget about it. He'd certainly not be ready for polyamory if he's not ready to hang out and enjoy a woman's company, regardless of marital status. Are you looking for a man or a boy?
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Old 06-24-2011, 01:31 AM
RunBabyRun RunBabyRun is offline
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River,

Yes, I do want more than just a physical relationship and I did let him know that I'm in an open marriage. I wove it into the conversation and wasn't specific about he and I. We are developing a friendship. I did tell him that I hoped that knowing that would alleviate any discomfort he may have with hanging out with a married woman. He said that he doesn't even think about that kind of stuff; it wasn't an issue for him.

On a personal note about your comment about whether I want a boy or a man and him not being a man if he had a problem hanging out with a married woman... if he had discomfort because of that I would interpret that as being respectful, not as being boyish. I want a man but I'm not going to judge a person as a boy or a man based on one possible uncomfortable moment or possible misunderstanding. (This sounds snarky when I read it back. I mean no disrespect, I just want to communicate that it's not so black and white).

Thank you for your comments. It's so helpful to have a different perspective because it helps me figure out what I want and how do best go about getting it.
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