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  #1  
Old 06-20-2011, 10:24 PM
redjane redjane is offline
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Hi everybody! I've been reading the very encouraging and informative posts here, and I'm hoping some of you experienced folks can help me out.

Here's the rundown on my situation: I've been with my wonderful, amazing girlfriend for about ten years now. We're both settled in and comfortable with our lesbian identities and such. My girlfriend is not the the jealous type; she's encouraged me to have other relationships, and I had/have a sort-of relationship with a mutual friend which hasn't ever progressed physically past kissing. We are still very close, but she (the friend, let's call her S) now lives far away with her boyfriend who is pretty much not up for sharing her. So my girlfriend and I have had a theoretically-open relationship, I guess you could say.

So now, I have a friend, let's call him Z. We work together and have been spending lots of time together in a friendly way, both alone and with my girlfriend and friends. Lately that time has been increasing and we text each other/see each other nearly every day. I have a history of becoming. . . infatuated with my friends - S for a more extreme example than usual - and am naturally very affectionate/touchy-feely. So I find myself having feelings for Z, like I want to be touchy-affectionate with him, I look for him at work all the time, I text him more and more often and so on. I am pretty sure that these are more-than-friends feelings, but since I love all my friends SO MUCH. . . I am confused. Added to that, I've never been physically intimate with a boy, and my girlfriend hasn't either, and is much less open to the idea of fooling around with a boy herself. The logistics of being with a guy are all very new to me.

Basically, I don't know if Z is interested in me, I don't know how I would react to actually having sex with him, I'm not sure how much my (mostly incredibly open) girlfriend would really be thrilled about the idea of me dating a guy. I want to talk to her about it but I find myself becoming incredibly anxious about the fact that he's a boy and our friend. And on top of that I can't talk to S about it because I'm afraid she'll be jealous that I have another potential suitor.

I am so confused! Can anyone help me?
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Old 06-21-2011, 02:22 AM
Meringue Meringue is offline
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Well, I don't know if I have any specific advice for your specific situation--that is quite a predicament! But I think the general rules should apply here: be honest, be kind, be careful. (Well, those are our rules, anyway). Be honest with your girlfriend about having feelings toward Z and wanting to try something new. Be honest with Z about what you'd like from him. And don't worry about the "logistics" (lol)... It'll probably come naturally to you, and if not, he'll know what to do with what.
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Old 06-21-2011, 03:15 AM
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Snowdancer Snowdancer is offline
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Originally Posted by Meringue View Post
Well, I don't know if I have any specific advice for your specific situation--that is quite a predicament! But I think the general rules should apply here: be honest, be kind, be careful. (Well, those are our rules, anyway). Be honest with your girlfriend about having feelings toward Z and wanting to try something new. Be honest with Z about what you'd like from him. And don't worry about the "logistics" (lol)... It'll probably come naturally to you, and if not, he'll know what to do with what.
This sounds like some pretty good advice to me! Also, remember to be honest to yourself. Sounds to me like you're having sexual feelings for a couple of people and you would like to express them. Nothing wrong with that. I don't think it would hurt at all to say to your primary that you are kind of interested in a couple of people and ask if that is still OK with her? She will then ask for any level of detail she needs to feel comfortable. She might not even want you to aks, but be sure of this.

As far as the others, just let them know that you are in an open relationship, but would like to get to know them on a more personal level (OK, you want to screw their brains out but you don't have to be blunt!) They will ask you enough questions for them to feel comfortable with that. And remember, they may not feel comfortable. If that happens, just respect that and move on.
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Old 06-21-2011, 05:57 AM
redjane redjane is offline
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Well, I guess posting here and reading other people's stories was the encouragement I needed, because I worked up the nerve to talk to my girlfriend. And as always she proved that a) she is amazing and b) I am overthinking things as usual. She was pretty much on board and we talked awhile about boundaries and what we both thought would be possible. Still working out what I should say to S, but she's monogamous with her boyfriend right now so it's more just that I don't want her to feel jealous or neglected in our friendship.

I'm still not really sure how to broach the topic with Z - or if I even should, if it would be better to just wait and see if anything develops on his own. My girlfriend is of the opinion that guys are straightforward and should be approached as such, but. . . that's nerve-wracking, haha.

Thank you for the kind advice so far. I think just being honest, kind and careful is a good ground-rule to live by.
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Old 06-21-2011, 10:25 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Your story is bringing back memories for me about when I met my now husband PN. I was married about 5 years to a woman whom I still love and who is still a big part of my life and my family. I found myself falling for our male friend after swearing up and down I was never going to sleep with men again, let alone date them! The best thing I ever did was talk about it right away before those feelings of fear and doubt arose. Good for you for doing that. My eventual heartache was losing friends in my community that were not open about me dating a man. I struggled through that more than anything. Now its much easier to be whom ever and do whatever you want and need to do. Much better than back in the day. Now I loive with two men, date another and have a girlfriend. I never would of dreamed my dreams would unfold as they have. All because I never let fear creep in and kept being true to my heart.

I think if I were you I would keep at the texting, chatting, hanging out until you have found a chance to be open with him and until you are certain you have bounced the idea off of enough people who know and care about you. My biggest concern here is that he is your co-worker. Dating co-workers is something I would not recommend.
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Old 06-22-2011, 02:04 AM
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Snowdancer Snowdancer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redjane View Post
I'm still not really sure how to broach the topic with Z - or if I even should, if it would be better to just wait and see if anything develops on his own. My girlfriend is of the opinion that guys are straightforward and should be approached as such, but. . . that's nerve-wracking, haha.
Don't wait for the guy to make the first move. Just go to him sometime and say something like "I'd like to get to know you better. Could we have lunch sometime?" A couple of things could happen: 1. He could say no which will suck, but you'll get over it. 2. He might say yes! If he says yes just say Great! and be prepared to suggest a time and a place.

Don't wait for life to come to you. If it doesn't, you'll always regret that you didn't go after what you want. Learn how to take some risks. You took the first risk with your girlfriend and it worked great didn't it?

I wish you well!

Snowdancer
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Old 06-23-2011, 05:58 PM
redjane redjane is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I think if I were you I would keep at the texting, chatting, hanging out until you have found a chance to be open with him and until you are certain you have bounced the idea off of enough people who know and care about you.
All of us hang out together quite a lot - in fact, I think I've seen him pretty much every day these last few weeks. The other night we stayed at his house until 5 am! I haven't done that since I was in high school. I talked to one of my friends about it because I just felt like my head was going to explode if I didn't - she was basically worried that I was going to end up "in a Chasing Amy situation" and said that she had just watched one of her other friends have a poly relationship blow up in her face. So she told me to be cautious.

Quote:
My biggest concern here is that he is your co-worker. Dating co-workers is something I would not recommend.
I am slightly worried about that, but only because I don't want it to get spread around at work and possibly damage either of our reputations with friends there. We work at a big retail chain, so it's not a professional environment, and a lot of inter-department dating goes on. If I weren't attached, it wouldn't be a big deal. Plus we're in different departments, so we don't actually work together day-to-day. But it's known that I'm in a committed relationship, so I don't want people to think there's something hinky going on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Snowdancer View Post
Don't wait for the guy to make the first move. Just go to him sometime and say something like "I'd like to get to know you better. Could we have lunch sometime?" A couple of things could happen: 1. He could say no which will suck, but you'll get over it. 2. He might say yes! If he says yes just say Great! and be prepared to suggest a time and a place.
Thanks for your well-wishes. I thought about that, but since we already see each other a lot, I think I might have to make it seem more obvious that this would be headed into date territory, rather than friendly let's-play-Portal-2-again territory.

All that said, he played with my hair a lot when we were at his house the other night? Does that mean anything? I'm starting to seriously feel like I'm in high school again, ha ha!
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