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Old 06-20-2011, 04:54 AM
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evrchanging evrchanging is offline
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I have only made one post so far and be lurking around. To recap I am a 26 year old woman married to a 55 year old Transitioning Male to Female. We have been together 8 years and had 2 children: 2 and 7 years old. During this last year of transitioning her libido as just plummeted. We have a friend that we have known for over a year. We got very close and roughly 6 months ago we talked about it and decided it was okay for me to become sexual with this person. My married partner is my 1st, and he is only the 2nd person I have been with.

After smoothing out jealously and setting boundaries all is going great. They are both mono not wanting anyone else but they don't mind sharing me. Everyone is good friends with no weird vibes going on. We help each other out on our farms. Sometimes my wife goes over there for a get away to work on a project or two with him, very nonsexual. We all get together and make dinner together at least 2 times a month. He loves playing with the kids as he never had any.

My MtoF wife and I have been 7 year old free for 2 days. She just doesn't want to do anything sexual with me. It hurts that my lover and partner of almost 8 years now is as sexual as a rock. There are so many ways I have tried to get her to be intimate with me. I do not need penetration for a rock'n good time. She is transitioning so I so respect her space. I have my other partner which I see weekly, and sometimes spend the night. Right now I would like to ring his neck for being such a butt. He is lonely, understandable, but so needy right now its driving me away. Its so hard to be the spoke in the wheel sometimes. I do love being able to give love, and attention to another in need. I was going to spend the night with my lover last night but I just so tapped out I needed me time. There is so much I want to talk about and sort through but I don't have anyone anywhere near my odd situation. Does it even fit in the poly threads?
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Old 06-20-2011, 03:47 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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There is so much I want to talk about and sort through but I don't have anyone anywhere near my odd situation. Does it even fit in the poly threads?
It sure does. Where do you want to start? You can post it in this thread or begin a blog to post it all in.
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Old 06-21-2011, 03:59 PM
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Part of being a mono in a poly relationship is loneliness. Part of poly is actually. It sounds like this person needs to get out and take on their life. That is not for you to accomplish for them. All you can do is encourage and not take it on.

Perhaps they should reassess what it means to be monogamous. It doesn't mean sitting at home waiting for your love to come around. Some people think so, but that's programming that might need to be abandoned when in a relationship with someone who is poly.
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Old 06-21-2011, 04:20 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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hi and welcome, read your posting and I wondered if in these trans gender situations ....does that person atomically feel Bi or Gay or could your wife now identify as hetero and will be looking for a man as well.

I agree with Rp the new guy see's this as any other new relationship he has had in the past and is thinking with the other head so to speak.
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Old 06-21-2011, 04:58 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Evrchanging,

You are not the only person on this board with a trans and/or transitioning partner. Magdlyn comes to mind. I would search for her posts and see what comes up. And I'm sure there are others too. Long story short - your situation is not unheard of, round these parts.

I'm sorry your transitioning partner is struggling with lack of desire/no libido. That is hard on both of you! If you haven't already, search for similar terms on the board. It comes up a fair bit. I do not want to minimize the specific situation of your wife but lack of desire is often connected to (in no particular order) 1) stress, 2) medical issues including medications, 3) physical changes including hormonal shifts. Your wife is going through all three all at once. There may be something useful in more general advice that you can then adapt.

As for needy guy, yeah, that comes up a lot too. Sometimes in the context of poly/mono relationships, sometimes not. Have you been able to communicate to him how his neediness affects you, how it's driving you away, despite your feelings for him? Holding up a mirror to someone and showing them, lovingly, the effects of their actions is sometimes enough to generate change. Of course, if the neediness is deep seated, internal and not really situational, then what you communicate may not have much immediate impact.
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Old 06-21-2011, 10:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
hi and welcome, read your posting and I wondered if in these trans gender situations ....does that person atomically feel Bi or Gay or could your wife now identify as hetero and will be looking for a man as well.

I agree with Rp the new guy see's this as any other new relationship he has had in the past and is thinking with the other head so to speak.
I think she is more hetero then she wants to admit. I am playfully trying to open that side of her up. I have let her know on more than one occasion that it is okay, and what she does is safely kept quiet with me.

Yes, the other guy tends to think with the other head. He can be border line possessive, which I have nipped in the butt. He also tends to forget how busy I am at home. I am just exhausted most of the time. He does help me out a lot, and is there when I need him, for whatever reason (even babysitting), so there is credit due.
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Evrchanging,

You are not the only person on this board with a trans and/or transitioning partner. Magdlyn comes to mind. I would search for her posts and see what comes up. And I'm sure there are others too. Long story short - your situation is not unheard of, round these parts.

I'm sorry your transitioning partner is struggling with lack of desire/no libido. That is hard on both of you! If you haven't already, search for similar terms on the board. It comes up a fair bit. I do not want to minimize the specific situation of your wife but lack of desire is often connected to (in no particular order) 1) stress, 2) medical issues including medications, 3) physical changes including hormonal shifts. Your wife is going through all three all at once. There may be something useful in more general advice that you can then adapt.

As for needy guy, yeah, that comes up a lot too. Sometimes in the context of poly/mono relationships, sometimes not. Have you been able to communicate to him how his neediness affects you, how it's driving you away, despite your feelings for him? Holding up a mirror to someone and showing them, lovingly, the effects of their actions is sometimes enough to generate change. Of course, if the neediness is deep seated, internal and not really situational, then what you communicate may not have much immediate impact.
Thank you. I will search around the board and see what I can find. I can see that all three are affecting her libido. As for needy guy well I thought a stick might help. Just Kidding (kinda, sorta)


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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
It sure does. Where do you want to start? You can post it in this thread or begin a blog to post it all in.
Thanks for the open ear, uh eyes, and encouragement.

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Part of being a mono in a poly relationship is loneliness. Part of poly is actually. It sounds like this person needs to get out and take on their life. That is not for you to accomplish for them. All you can do is encourage and not take it on.

Perhaps they should reassess what it means to be monogamous. It doesn't mean sitting at home waiting for your love to come around. Some people think so, but that's programming that might need to be abandoned when in a relationship with someone who is poly.
My lover or boyfriend does just sit alone. Its kind of his personality. He does just wait around for my weekly, roughly, love visits. I laughed at that point you brought up because obvious as it is I never really put it in that light. I do encourage him to take his stuff on, and do my best not to take it on for him. Thatís the hard part. It is where I draw back. I love alone time. Being with two has helped me realize the importance of it.
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Old 06-22-2011, 03:27 AM
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Part of being a mono in a poly relationship is loneliness.

Perhaps they should reassess what it means to be monogamous. It doesn't mean sitting at home waiting for your love to come around. Some people think so, but that's programming that might need to be abandoned when in a relationship with someone who is poly.
I just wanted to comment on the context of the first statement Lilo. Part of being mono in a poly relationship is being alone. That is much different than loneliness which is a negative thing. A person who is connected to themselves rarely feels loneliness even though they can be alone for a long time. Speaking from my own experience of course

I think you hit on a great point about some people just waiting around for their partner to come around. People need thier own interests for sure
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Old 06-22-2011, 04:47 AM
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I agree with Rp the new guy see's this as any other new relationship he has had in the past and is thinking with the other head so to speak.
Actually I didn't really mean it like that, just that when mono people get together they can be known to wait around until they are together before doing things in life. Almost like they think they can't possibly live without the other person being their with them (co-dependent). Like their life being alone ended and now they will sit and wait to do stuff because they have a partner. When they were alone they got about the business of just living.... it doesn't and shouldn't, I don't think anyway, be like that.

Partners are for adding to life, not for completely changing life for. Know what I mean? It sounds like this guy is changing, or has changed his life for you... not healthy me thinks. He needs to get about living his life and being simply happy that you are there to enjoy time with once a week.
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Old 06-22-2011, 04:54 AM
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I just wanted to comment on the context of the first statement Lilo. Part of being mono in a poly relationship is being alone. That is much different than loneliness which is a negative thing. A person who is connected to themselves rarely feels loneliness even though they can be alone for a long time. Speaking from my own experience of course
I wasn't talking about you...

....my comments were directed to lots of people who experience the realization that they are sometimes alone in poly relationships as their partners are out living their lives while they are at home waiting... hence the loneliness. Many mono relationships do not have loneliness in them because they are built on two people who are co-dependent. The point I was trying to make was that in poly relationships people need to transition from loneliness to being alone. Thanks for adding that point. It is about connecting with oneself rather than relying on another to make a connection to only. It seems to work best to make oneself their primary and everyone else their secondary... "self" should always come first I think.
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Old 06-22-2011, 08:16 PM
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I don't want to take a position on the possessive behavior of your bf but his need for contact maybe higher than the once a week visit. His age and activity level, and past relationship patterns may play a large role in how he is behaving. Or he could be really, really possessive and immature hard to say. Has he thought about finding another more primary relationship for himself? .....perhaps you may encourage that to take some pressure off. If he spent 2-3 nights a week dating someone else once a week with you would be no problem.

Good luck D
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