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  #11  
Old 06-21-2011, 08:10 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
This concerns me. You are flailing, you are experiencing some new emotions and having to work through them and that is to be expected. The expectation that you will just adjust to this new situation because she wants you to is a bit selfish to me.

She needs to grow up and find her patience.
Hi, I see I was unclear. She has lots of patience, but limited total resources due to illness. It's *really* not that she doesn't want to, but she can't. So far she has handled my flailing very well, and I feel that she listens. I have started being brutally honest with myself, and both of them, and started a journal of single items I am *certain* of. That list is dated each time, and it'll be interesting to see if things get added or removed...

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Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
And this is the thing I experienced as well. I'm finding that as much as I want to "intellectualize" my way through difficult situations, I can't. While my head might be perfectly OK with some things, my body and my emotional self is really not and the only way you learn what those things are is by having them happen and feeling it.
Yes, phobia-model for dealing with this. I believe I really need to experience my fears and my anxieties and sort them into acceptable and unacceptable, in a proper manner. Some things can be more easily accepted. At the stage I am now, I'm dealing with several things, all ranging from the total concept of the situation down to tiny details like how they hold hands. A busy mind, I has it. And I am clearing it out, piece by piece.

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Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
I'd say maybe your SO needs to do a little educating of herself on poly relationships, on communication and on being a supportive partner.
I'd say most of the fault lies with me, actually. Yes, we always expect people to go above and beyond, but I have been very bottled up, not explained what I needed when I needed it, and two hours later, it's just a jumble of feelings, and guilt. My goal, our agreement now, is that I will explain directly in the situations if there's something I don't like, and she has a safeword for stopping me speeding off on the wrong trail. I know it will be very hard for me to do this, and I wish she was a trained poly who's gone through this hundreds of times, well experienced in the dos and donts, but she's not, this is our first encounter, and I have never been properly clear on what makes me feel loved. Which is what I need now. But now she knows a few things, and we'll get there.... She is not pushing for anything, I'm the one pushing myself...
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  #12  
Old 06-21-2011, 08:22 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Originally Posted by ClosetPoly View Post
Yes, phobia-model for dealing with this. I believe I really need to experience my fears and my anxieties and sort them into acceptable and unacceptable, in a proper manner. Some things can be more easily accepted. At the stage I am now, I'm dealing with several things, all ranging from the total concept of the situation down to tiny details like how they hold hands. A busy mind, I has it. And I am clearing it out, piece by piece.

.
Okay Gotcha. I did misinterpret that. Still, if you're feeling that you can't fully lean on her right now, that's tough.

Yes, I did that, too... pushed myself to be totally great with things because I "should" be. :-/ Don't do that.

Here's the thing I see in your words though... "experience my fears and my anxieties and sort them into acceptable and unacceptable".

Fears and Anxieties aren't acceptable or unacceptable, they just are. I understand where you're going in that the ones that you feel are not based in reality-- and you want to get rid of them. But you HAVE to accept that you can't rationalize your way into better emotional health. Figuring out why you feel things is totally great, and needed. But you're still going to FEEL the feelings. Letting go of the idea that I can mentally work through things so that I won't FEEL the feelings was really hard, but needed.

I told hubs that he had to understand that I'm really fragile right now. Not because of the poly, but because of the giant amount of emotional work I'm doing for myself in general. It's not easy, and I'm a little unprotected right now because in order to build myself back up I had to tear down the defenses I'd been using and clean out the crap that I'd been burying. It's messy, but in the long run I'll be in a much better built house.
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  #13  
Old 06-21-2011, 08:35 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Thank for that advice, Minxxa, I think I have also made myself think that if I just try hard enough, I will eventually stop bleeding every time I see them together. What I made myself painfully aware of last night though, was that no, I probably won't, but hopefully I will bleed less, and gain more, and gain strength and grow from this. It is also very important to mention that my partner doesn't want two separate relationships, she wants both. I can see how incredibly happy this makes my partner when she does, and I am really going to make an effort of letting that spill over to me. I love her more than anything in the world, and should I down the line realize that this is not for me, then by the power of greyskull, I will be able to honestly tell myself that I tried. She deserves it. She is my world.

What a wonderful place this forum is. Thank you all!
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  #14  
Old 06-21-2011, 09:52 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Hey CP,

How long has your gf been seeing your bff as a lover? It sounds very new.

I do think you made a couple mistakes:

*Cleaning house during their date, to prove what a big boy you are, to somehow "prove" you are worthy of her love. In early days of being poly, it is recommended you do something nice for yourself. You know, a hobby, a good workout, see some friends, something pleasant. And for god's sake, eat something.

*Going over to his house, knowing they have been all cuddly and lovey for 7 hours, I am sure you felt like a 3rd wheel. Even if your gf wants this to be a 3way arrangement, it sounds like you are not ready or interested in that. See them separately. Do your usual guy stuff with your bff when you feel like it. There's no need to torture yourself by hearing all about what a great time they just had together that day.

Of course, you wouldn't want a neck rub from bff just after he's had his hands on your gf. You know?

You say next time you will try to sit with your feelings, whatever they are, however unpleasant and heart-rending they are. If you feel like curling up in the fetal position and crying, do it. Scream, cry, hit a pillow, whatever it takes. Then wipe your eyes and go do something nice for yourself.

Yes, eventually you will "bleed" less, and even find compersion (vicarious joy for their joy) for both of them. It doesnt happen easily or right away, but as you gain confidence and experience, it totally will happen.

Good luck.
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me: Mags, female, pansexual, poly, 59, loving and living with
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  #15  
Old 06-21-2011, 10:23 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Hey CP,
How long has your gf been seeing your bff as a lover? It sounds very new.
Well, yes and no. She fell in love with him over a year ago, but didn't realise, or admit to herself how much until just a month ago, roughly. She told me, then told him the next day. After that we arranged some boundaries, people talked a bit and we kinda just started with some fumbling steps. We had a good talk in London the 11th, shared a wonderful concert and cuddled a bit afterwards. After that, in several steps, I woke up. I was high on their love, and I fell quite hard. I had to reset twice, second time only two days ago. This time I think I have managed to reset to a correct starting point. They HAVE a relationship already, this isn't new, they have a deep emotional bond, so I've kinda hit the ground running. And yes, by all means, it IS new, and I've pushed myself into trying to deal with in instantly, and realised that's a recipe for disaster. Now I feel a lot better, I'm honest to myself, honest to my partner and had a good long honest talk with my bff today, and was open and honest about how it hurts. Now I feel I have a proper foundation for me to move forwards, and I think I can manage to actually be honest, and say what I feel.

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
*Cleaning house during their date, to prove what a big boy you are, to somehow "prove" you are worthy of her love. In early days of being poly, it is recommended you do something nice for yourself. You know, a hobby, a good workout, see some friends, something pleasant. And for god's sake, eat something.
LOL, yes, I will eat something. We are doing it again tomorrow, he's picking her up from work, I will go to town with a friend, have a good chat, maybe even cry a bit, then we'll go to the movies, and I will go pick her up again. And this time, I have prepared a list of things to think about, which went ape last time, and I will depending on what I fill into the "fill in here what you feel" box I've made, most likely not go in there, but just text her to come out.

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
*Going over to his house, knowing they have been all cuddly and lovey for 7 hours, I am sure you felt like a 3rd wheel. Even if your gf wants this to be a 3way arrangement, it sounds like you are not ready or interested in that. See them separately. Do your usual guy stuff with your bff when you feel like it. There's no need to torture yourself by hearing all about what a great time they just had together that day.
I am taking this to heart, and it is *exactly* what I have laid down as a new way of handling things. I can see the benefit of, when it comes naturally, that they have an hour or two before a group-thing to get the steam out, so that they don't spend all evening being obnoxiously NRE'ing, but anything past that, I will most likely skip the 3some until I feel completely comfortable with it. I had a good mountain-trip with him today, and got to talk a lot, so I don't feel like I'm missing anything tomorrow.

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Of course, you wouldn't want a neck rub from bff just after he's had his hands on your gf. You know?
Actually, in this case, I beg to differ. He supposedly gives fantastic massages. He has done her back a couple of times and neck and shoulders a lot, and I am very envious. But I do get your point, and that is exactly what goes with my new boundaries.

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
You say next time you will try to sit with your feelings, whatever they are, however unpleasant and heart-rending they are. If you feel like curling up in the fetal position and crying, do it. Scream, cry, hit a pillow, whatever it takes. Then wipe your eyes and go do something nice for yourself.
YES! Thank you, I really will. I have come to realise that no, this isn't going away, I can't ignore the feelings and hope they diminish in strength. I have to face this and take each feeling by its ear and drag it out into the light of my own love. This I hope to be able to do. One thing I have really learned in this is how powerful crying is. By the gods, having a good breakdown must have been the most giving experience I've had. You get SO much out. :-D

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Yes, eventually you will "bleed" less, and even find compersion (vicarious joy for their joy) for both of them. It doesnt happen easily or right away, but as you gain confidence and experience, it totally will happen.
Good luck.
Thank you, I really appreciate your words. I have stolen a few guiding words from the forum and made a desktop background. Now I can read the supporting words every time I pick up my netbook. :-)
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  #16  
Old 06-21-2011, 10:29 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Yeeees, that made so much more sense. I am such an airhead these days, trying to make sense of it all. A safeword IS a good idea, and I'll talk to her about it right now! Thank you for reminding me! *hugs*
LOL. Thanx for the laugh .

you're welcome. hugs back
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  #17  
Old 06-22-2011, 08:24 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Default Success, a first taste of!

Hello!

I just wanted to share how I feel right now. The other day I realised that my non-kissing rule was just self-protecting BS, and acted as an annoying bandaid, half-torn, tugging at my skin, protecting nothing. So I turned the game around for myself and have given my partner free-for-all, except for sex (completely different bandaid, completely different reasons). But I reset my mind to a TRUE place, true to myself and true to both of them.

So, today, my partner's boyfriend picked her up at three. I tidied a bit, just to get things done, allowed myself to feel a bit sulky (which I failed at, to be honest), I surfed the web a bit and then went out with a very close friend and had a bit to eat, then went to the movies. At about eight, I went to pick up my partner at his place. Pr own instructions, 4-5 hours of alone time making group-time uncomfortable for me, I texted her 15-20 minutes early to prepare, and then again when I was outside. I really felt uncomfortable going there, I felt betrayed by her, and resentment towards him. All explainable, I won't go into rationalizing it here, it's up and dealt with.
I had to repeat to myself over and over how to react, to focus on being loving and caring. I was prepared for her coming out of his flat on a high, and wow was she flying high. Surprisingly, it made me happy for her, and I felt at ease letting my river flow to her, and held her tight. I was at that point only left with some general unease, and a good dose of resentment towards him. This lead me to thoughts of never being able to do a 3some-setting again, watching them touch and kiss and just...aaagh...the pain....ish?

But lo and behold, as pr instructed by the community, chill man, relax and let it pass, and it did. Now I don't feel bad about today at all, I don't feel different about them having kissed and I don't hate anyone. And she had a really really lovely way of kissing him the first time, almost annoyingly romantic. :-D (Yes, I asked, and she shared).
The spike of resentment dropped surprisingly fast, and I am right now happy and pleased with myself for lifting the kiss-embargo.

We've planned a few hours group-date tomorrow, dinner and a movie, and I actually look forward to it. Now, I still don't LIKE the situation, and I still don't particularly want this, but I am more convinced that the light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train. Yet. :-)

What do we say to the god of Giving Up? Not today.
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  #18  
Old 06-24-2011, 02:25 AM
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LostRane LostRane is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post

Yes, eventually you will "bleed" less, and even find compersion (vicarious joy for their joy) for both of them. It doesnt happen easily or right away, but as you gain confidence and experience, it totally will happen.
It that true? Will you bleed less? Draco would like Rane to stay at his place for the night and I am having issues with it.. I am not ready. Rane understands that but I am not sure Draco does and I wont spend a night crying and upset jsut so he can have what he wants...

is that crazy or being childish?
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  #19  
Old 06-24-2011, 10:34 AM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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It that true? Will you bleed less? Draco would like Rane to stay at his place for the night and I am having issues with it.. I am not ready. Rane understands that but I am not sure Draco does and I wont spend a night crying and upset jsut so he can have what he wants...
is that crazy or being childish?
I take it that Rane is your partner, and Draco is her boyfriend? I have no experience yet with my poly partner having sex/spending the night with her boyfriend, but I know that the time will come, at some point, and I expect them both to be gentle and understanding with me. I have a hope that their first experience together will be in a 3some setting, but I highly doubt that will happen. The only thing I have to offer is to talk to them both, maybe have her text/email you once in a while, and come home early, the first time?
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  #20  
Old 06-24-2011, 12:20 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by ClosetPoly View Post
I take it that Rane is your partner, and Draco is her boyfriend? I have no experience yet with my poly partner having sex/spending the night with her boyfriend, but I know that the time will come, at some point, and I expect them both to be gentle and understanding with me. I have a hope that their first experience together will be in a 3some setting, but I highly doubt that will happen. The only thing I have to offer is to talk to them both, maybe have her text/email you once in a while, and come home early, the first time?
I would recommend against a threesome experience as their first time together in your case. I think I see where you're coming from ... you want to feel included, to feel loved by them as well, right? But think about how uncomfortable you currently feel in the middle of their NRE. And then multiply that by a million. It will be their first time together. Whether they intend it or not, they are going to be pretty darn focussed on each other. Do you really want to be there for that? I think being in the middle of that would set you back in your progress.

Let them have their first time together. Their first several times together. Then maybe see what a threesome possibility would look like.
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