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Old 06-19-2011, 07:04 PM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Default Am I Just Being Jealous???

This is of course a spin off from another post, but I have been thinking about something for a while regarding my guy's OSO...

Here's the deal... I am the "baby" of the bunch. At least 10 years younger than the other two involved in the "relationship" (she is actually older than he is). This is also her first stab at poly, but he has had these type relationships for years.

I just get a strange vibe from her, and I am trying to figure out if it's just me being jealous or if it's a genuine red flag. She's saying all of the right things and doing all of the right things, but for some reason, I think she is just going with the flow with the hopes that our guy will one day come around and become mono (a problem that he has had before). I have seen her engage in things around him that she said she adamantly didn't participate in just to please him (I am guilty of this as well, hence the uncomfortable threesome), and I really think this is the case with the whole poly thing. She just seems like one of those settle down chicks. For instance, she SAYS she would be open to entertaining women, but I don't get that vibe at all whereas in my situation with our guy, I was totally open to it (even entertained it with a random girl), just not with HER.

There have already been instances where I feel like she is trying to put me in a bad light, and I'm sure she is taking full advantage of the fact that she is the "around the corner" girl, but something just doesn't... feel... right.

Granted, I am the most competitive person in the world (trust, I sized her up from the minute I met her as I 'm sure she did me which probably led to our mutual discomfort when placed in a group situation), and that could be part of what I'm feeling added to the fact that naturally, I am comparing myself to her (not healthy, but natural) which has led to some insecurities on my part, but there are just so many questions and feelings...

Honestly, part of me hopes that she's going to show her true colors sooner than later and just turn our guy off. Then part of me just worries that I am the young, dumb pu_ _ y in the whole scenario (he keeps saying he likes my "potential"... Ummm...I'm pretty damn spectacular NOW!!!!) and that he is hoping to mold me into what he wants...

I dunno. We are going to see each other soon, and I think another conversation is in order. It's obvious that the NRE is starting to wear off and the reality is starting to kick in. This may be the opportune time to make a break....

This is all SOOOOOOOO new....
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  #2  
Old 06-19-2011, 07:53 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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So my take on her is that - of course she isn't happy. She doesn't know how to look out for her own needs, and is passive, and seems to be displaying some passive aggressive behavior.

I don't remember how long you said they've been together, but to let your SO talk you into a threesome with somebody you've never met to please him, when you aren't interested in it...well I can't imagine they have the healthiest communication.

I imagine there will be lots of jabs at you and trying to make you look bad as long as she is not able to be assertive and upfront about her feelings. Sadly, changes like that take time, and if she isn't open to actively work on it, it probably isn't going to happen. And you bringing this subject up to her - not so sure she'd be open to that either, since she won't admit how she feels. Or maybe you are just misreading her.

Is there any chance you are projecting? Since you are so competitive, is there a chance you want him to choose you over her? Talking about her showing her "true colors" - well, you don't know her really do you? He has known her for awhile, and it sounds like you might be making a lot of assumptions, you probably aren't privy to some things she thinks or feels, or her history, as you're a relative stranger to her.

Anyway, relationships are hard, what he wants certainly isn't what Id settle for with a guy. Sounds great that NRE is wearing off, it will be easier to make the decision that is right for you.
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Old 06-19-2011, 11:05 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
Then part of me just worries that I am the young, dumb pu_ _ y in the whole
I believe the word is spelled "pussy." You're allowed to using big people words here. Repeat after me: pussy, cock, fuck....
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Old 06-20-2011, 02:14 AM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
I believe the word is spelled "pussy." You're allowed to using big people words here. Repeat after me: pussy, cock, fuck....

HAHAHA!!! I know! I know! That word still makes me blush a little!!!
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  #5  
Old 06-20-2011, 02:27 AM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Is there any chance you are projecting? Since you are so competitive, is there a chance you want him to choose you over her? Talking about her showing her "true colors" - well, you don't know her really do you? He has known her for awhile, and it sounds like you might be making a lot of assumptions, you probably aren't privy to some things she thinks or feels, or her history, as you're a relative stranger to her.

Anyway, relationships are hard, what he wants certainly isn't what Id settle for with a guy. Sounds great that NRE is wearing off, it will be easier to make the decision that is right for you.
I very well could be... as time goes on, I am not sure if I want to be chosen at all to be honest. Part of me feels like he is trying to change me and that is not going to work.

As for me being competitive, I have convinced myself that I am better than the other woman (childish coping mechanism... probably...), and that no matter what... she can NEVER be me. We obviously bring different things to the table, and I can only focus on what makes ME great...

...and you're right. I'm only getting her thoughts and feelings from what he shares with me about conversations he's had with her.

I'm actually starting to wonder if I have some issues with HIM instead of her. Is he sharing TMI? Is he getting some type of thrill out of this back and forth with two newbies?

There's definitely a vibe... maybe it's not her at all....
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Old 06-20-2011, 02:52 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Well in your place I would want to know if she is ok with him sharing that information. I watch about 25% of what comes out of my husbands mouth when he is relaying MY thoughts and feelings to be to others, to be inaccurate, and sometimes so alien that I sometimes don't even think he's ever heard a word I said. I wouldn't really expect your BF to be conveying either of your thoughts to each other accurately.

Who knows what he is telling her you think or say - I will guess she is getting a distorted picture of you too, this might also be one reason you feel something is off, she might have ideas about you that aren't true.

I did want to say though, that I am really impressed with the way you've handled responses to the threads you have posted. Not everything everybody has said to you is sweet and nurturing, I've seen some blunt but pretty objective comments (including a couple I had made that I thought be taken badly), and instead of ever getting defensive you have taken everything in stride, seemed to think about what was said and if it applied or not. I am hoping to be as calm and collected someday.
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Old 06-20-2011, 05:27 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
[...] (he keeps saying he likes my "potential"... Ummm...I'm pretty damn spectacular NOW!!!!) and that he is hoping to mold me into what he wants...

I dunno. We are going to see each other soon, and I think another conversation is in order. It's obvious that the NRE is starting to wear off and the reality is starting to kick in. This may be the opportune time to make a break....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
I'm actually starting to wonder if I have some issues with HIM instead of her. Is he sharing TMI? Is he getting some type of thrill out of this back and forth with two newbies?

There's definitely a vibe... maybe it's not her at all....
I was going to ask if maybe she was not the problem, based on the first quote (along with other things I have read in your threads), but you have beaten me to it.

You have great "potential"?? Is this guy for real??
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Old 06-20-2011, 07:37 PM
ViableAlternative ViableAlternative is offline
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He likes your potential?? He hopes to mold you into what HE wants?!?!

Repeat after me: Fuck That Shit.

You belong to YOU. YOU own your potential. YOU get to mold you into what YOU want.

This guy has disrespected you, used you to bolster his Hugh Hefner style fantasy, has openly admitted that he wants you (along with the rest of his harem) to want only him and, while he wouldn't impose rules on you, he'd make you a lower priority if you had other lovers in your life.... But it's all okay, because he's willing to be patient while he molds you, changes you, into what he wants you to be.

You are very well-written. The way you express yourself leads me to believe that you're a brilliant, beautiful girl with a strong handle on your strengths and weaknesses, and a willingness to work on your weaknesses to grow into an even better person. If this guy can't love what you are NOW, and only likes the IDEA of what he can change you into, do you really want him?? Sounds to me like you can do a good sight better.

Now, I'm making the assumption that we're not talking about a M/s power exchange dynamic. If we are, my tune would change, but not by much. I would at the VERY least urge you to evaluate wether you WANT to be what his ideal "you" is, and wether becoming that would be a benefit or a detriment to your self and your life.

All that aside.... Polyamory might very well work for you. It might be a challenge to confront, understand, and temper your competitiveness, but you might enjoy the benefit from doing so. You might enjoy theother great plusses of a polyamorous life. Or you might hate it, it might totally suck. But it seems to me like you've got the wherewithall to approach it and learn what you want and how to get it.

Your guy has every right to want a harem of playboy bunnies who are eager for group sex to please him and want no dick but his. He might even find them. But you have every right - no, more than that, an obligation - to find out what you want and what you want to be, and mold yourself into that. Potential? Sure, you've got potential. But it's yours, not anyone else's.
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  #9  
Old 06-21-2011, 02:39 AM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ViableAlternative View Post
He likes your potential?? He hopes to mold you into what HE wants?!?!

Repeat after me: Fuck That Shit.

You belong to YOU. YOU own your potential. YOU get to mold you into what YOU want.

This guy has disrespected you, used you to bolster his Hugh Hefner style fantasy, has openly admitted that he wants you (along with the rest of his harem) to want only him and, while he wouldn't impose rules on you, he'd make you a lower priority if you had other lovers in your life.... But it's all okay, because he's willing to be patient while he molds you, changes you, into what he wants you to be.

You are very well-written. The way you express yourself leads me to believe that you're a brilliant, beautiful girl with a strong handle on your strengths and weaknesses, and a willingness to work on your weaknesses to grow into an even better person. If this guy can't love what you are NOW, and only likes the IDEA of what he can change you into, do you really want him?? Sounds to me like you can do a good sight better.

Now, I'm making the assumption that we're not talking about a M/s power exchange dynamic. If we are, my tune would change, but not by much. I would at the VERY least urge you to evaluate wether you WANT to be what his ideal "you" is, and wether becoming that would be a benefit or a detriment to your self and your life.

All that aside.... Polyamory might very well work for you. It might be a challenge to confront, understand, and temper your competitiveness, but you might enjoy the benefit from doing so. You might enjoy theother great plusses of a polyamorous life. Or you might hate it, it might totally suck. But it seems to me like you've got the wherewithall to approach it and learn what you want and how to get it.

Your guy has every right to want a harem of playboy bunnies who are eager for group sex to please him and want no dick but his. He might even find them. But you have every right - no, more than that, an obligation - to find out what you want and what you want to be, and mold yourself into that. Potential? Sure, you've got potential. But it's yours, not anyone else's.

I totally hear you on this!!! Now that the NRE haze is starting to wear off, things are becoming much clearer to me, and I am starting to see his true colors (it's amazing what happens when those rose colored lenses clear up, huh?)

I try to make it a point to weigh both sides of every argument and sese all points of view before jumping to conclusions, hence my lengthy pause at these various stages of new polyamory, but I am starting to feel disrespected, and I plan to address it during our next face to face visit soon (the phone is just not the place to handle this one... I need to see and read body language).

I am starting to see a pattern with some of the women he chooses. He's rather...comfortable in life and has resources to wine and dine and spoil the women in his life. I honestly believe that many of the women he has encountered simply put up with his less-than-stellar treatment to gain some of the benefits of his comfortable lifestyle... that's not me. Self respect goes way further than expensive gifts and vacations...

He already expressed shock when I didn't respond to him immediately after the "threesome" incident, stating that he has never had a woman "leave" him, so I think he may be out of his league with me, as I won't allow myself to be some playtoy or young PUSSY (there, I said it!!!) for his molding pleasure.

Great points... duly noted!!!!
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  #10  
Old 06-21-2011, 02:53 AM
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Snowdancer Snowdancer is offline
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Default My take

Why don't you all just sit down together some night and discuss everything? Get everything out in the open so you can deal with it.
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