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  #11  
Old 06-18-2011, 06:29 AM
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Really interesting survey Sage, thanks for telling us about it It makes a whole lot of sense and has been my reality to cut back on activity to none in order to make sure Mono is able to be happy. So far I am happy with that too.
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  #12  
Old 06-18-2011, 06:36 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
But the emotional (and perhaps psychic and spiritual levels)are a whole different issue that you just can't understand until you actually are deeply involved.
I agree and believe this is a source of conflict as each person's needs/wants can change in the face of deepening emotions. That happened to me. I went from being more accepting of an open poly approach during our dating phase to needing a less open approach in order to give RP the deeper type of commitment she wanted and I wanted to provide.

Her level of depth desired in the relationship evolved and my needs/wants to give that depth also evolved. Where we failed to plan was in realizing that this would happen. There is cause and affect.

That is the biggest message I try to express to monos if they are just starting a relationship with a poly person. What seems ok before you fall in love will likely change after you do. And then the poly person feels mislead because the mono seems to have changed the rules. All partners in this need to be aware that hypothesizing on reactions does not guarantee the actual reaction to real situations.
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  #13  
Old 07-17-2011, 07:21 AM
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This is kind of an older thread but I'm just finding it, and quite disheartened. The happy mono partner of an active poly is a rare thing? I'm in the position of realizing my poly nature many years into marriage with a staunchly mono man, and have been hoping for some kind of "happy medium" where my other relationships don't cross certain lines (like sex). Am I dooming my husband to discontent?

I kind of hoped if we kept talking about it, like for another decade or so (and then some), we'd end up in a place that works well for both of us. In one year we've made it to where he acknowledges my other loves, thinks it's a big flaw in my character, and doesn't want me physically intimate with them. And he HATES it when we talk about it this stuff!
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  #14  
Old 07-17-2011, 08:49 AM
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I'm sorry I can't be more reassuring I'd love to be able to say something different). Even I was surprised at the outcome of the survey. But then we must remember that these forums do attract people who are struggling. Sagency says he knows of polymono relationships that work well.

I suggest you google "livingpolymono" . This is a yahoo group for people in your situation - polys with mono partners. It is a very supportive group and as well as people who are actively poly with mono partners there are inactive ones coping with partners who can't cope (as it were).

There is a lot of polymono posting on this forum at the moment and I had a big think about it on my walk. A lot of my problems stem from wondering whether this is something I should be committing the rest of my life to. In a way you are doing this as well, just from the opposite perspective. What came to me was that it should be a day-at-a-time proposition. Who knows what the future will bring. All we can really do is live each day to the best of our ability. This is our business. Beyond that is God's business.
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  #15  
Old 07-17-2011, 11:26 AM
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I agree Sage...

All we can do is make the decisions that come to us in the moment. That doesn't mean we don't consider the ramifications of these decisions for the future. What it does mean though that in that moment, given all the considerations, what decision can you make.

Making decisions based on what might or might not happen is often a decision based on fear. Making the best decision you can that is most loving to yourself and those around you is the best you can do...

I'm also beginning to think that a poly person and a staunchly mono person are generally incompatible. If a mono person refuses to budge in any way in a relationship where the other has "realized" they are poly after years of being monogamous seems unlikely to work out. Also, if the poly person isn't prepared to compromise and allow time and space for the mono person to come to terms with things and see if they become more open to the poly dynamic of the relationship, it is equally unlikely to work out.

Perhaps a poly/mono relationship only works out (except in rare circumstances) ultimately when the mono becomes open to some degree to poly. Perhaps a pathway towards this is that they experiment a bit themselves, allow themselves some kind of other relationship be it emotional and/or sexual. I can imagine that this would be a real stretch for many monos to allow themselves to do this...

It seems that a once mono person that becomes poly has already moved in a new direction. If the other mono partner doesn't move at all for whatever reason, is the relationship ultimately doomed? Hmmm...
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Old 07-17-2011, 12:50 PM
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Ooooh a fellow Aussie, hi there.

Yes, I agree with you as well. I'm not staunchly mono and I've decided that if my partner wants to explore local poly relationships (he already has a long distance love), I will as well. It might not work but I'm tired of all the associated crap that goes along with being a mono in a poly relationship. Interestingly when I shared this with my partner he pulled back from the idea. While he likes the idea of having local poly relationships he isn't so keen on me having them. He would never stop me and I don't think he is particularly jealous but he doesn't like the idea of loosing time with me. Like so many others he favours a unicorn but we've tried that and it didn't work. He's keen to try again but pretty lazy so if I don't get proactive it isn't very likely to happen.

So after a pretty intensive few days on this forum I'm feeling better again. One day at a time is the key for me I think.
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  #17  
Old 07-17-2011, 05:29 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Thank you Sage. Your blog is really insightful. I read a tiny bit to my husband and he completely identified (feeling like the meat and potatoes, that was good!) so I suggested he read some more, but he's just not ready to think about it. I am going to step back for a while and just let things sink in. He knows I love two men besides him, he does not object to my friendships with them, and they both live at a distance, so for now I guess that's enough.
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