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  #1  
Old 06-18-2011, 12:03 AM
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Default From Mono to Poly

I recently put up a survey on the yahoo mono/poly and poly/mono boards. The results were very interesting.It's still going on so I haven't collated it yet but there is a very disturbing trend.

Monos in poly relationships are generally not very happy, no matter how hard they work at it, not in the first 10 years anyway. Likewise for polys not able to be themselves. The happiest monos in mono/poly relationships are those where their partner is not active or only active in a very limited way. The happiest polys in poly/mono relationships are those with active polyamorous relationships.

Why am I surprised? Because on those boards we are all very supportive, but when you tease out what is really going on, we are able to be supportive to others when it isn't happening in a big way for us.

I don't want my relationship to struggle long term. Z is less able to work on himself than I am and is already deeply in love with his OSO. Therefore should I explore poly for the sake of our relationship? I know I can love more than one person because I have before. Because I haven't personally needed it in this relationship I have always dismissed it as being too time-consuming and emotionally challenging. But am I copping out? Maybe the healthiest thing for our relationship is for me to give it a go?

There is a guy I am attracted to and my reluctance comes down to knowing all the potential dramas that come up. But maybe it is about pushing through those fears to make what I have with Z more comfortable for me and freer for him?

Your thoughts would be appreciated.

Last edited by sage; 06-18-2011 at 12:15 AM.
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Old 06-18-2011, 01:33 AM
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Originally Posted by sage View Post
Because I haven't personally needed it in this relationship I have always dismissed it as being too time-consuming and emotionally challenging. But am I copping out? Maybe the healthiest thing for our relationship is for me to give it a go?

There is a guy I am attracted to and my reluctance comes down to knowing all the potential dramas that come up. But maybe it is about pushing through those fears to make what I have with Z more comfortable for me and freer for him?

Your thoughts would be appreciated.
Fist thing that comes to my mind is this: although you say you know "all the potential dramas that come up," the key word is potential. There may not be the dramas you think. Maybe other issues will pop up. Maybe it will be drama-free and easy. You really don't know what will come up.

But what will you create?

I mean, I see it all the time, people say, "Oh, I know it'll be hard for me" or "I know I'll feel X" and they limit their life experiences because they're basically making predictions and avoiding what they really are just assuming will happen. And they're living in fear.

We don't know what will happen unless we take a chance.

To bring back a popular saying from my youth: if it feels good, do it.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 06-18-2011 at 01:42 AM.
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Old 06-18-2011, 01:40 AM
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Thanks NYC

Yes exactly that was the realisation I had this morning. All the "potentials" are putting me off. Maybe this is the next growth step for me and I should just open my mind to it. Bottom line most monos (I know there are a few exceptions), only ever get to a place of tolerance at best and I want more than that for my relationship.
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Old 06-18-2011, 04:20 AM
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Originally Posted by sage View Post

Monos in poly relationships are generally not very happy, no matter how hard they work at it, not in the first 10 years anyway. Likewise for polys not able to be themselves. The happiest monos in mono/poly relationships are those where their partner is not active or only active in a very limited way. The happiest polys in poly/mono relationships are those with active polyamorous relationships.

.
I would have expected no different results. Great poll BTW! Seriously, I am completely unsurprised by your observations. Hence why I discourage the pursuit of mono/poly relationships before deep emotions set in. Yes, there are rare ones that thrive but those are few and far between I believe. I consider my own mono/poly relationship to be a great success as far as four people being involved deeply and my own 100 percent embracing of it. But as you noticed above, and we all know, part of my full embracing of this is the limited nature of our poly tribe. So in this regard I see us as a relationship success more-so than a "poly" success (assuming a benchmark of poly success is the ability to let all relationships develop to whatever natural level they reach...something I doubt I will ever embrace unless my own nature changes and I find myself becoming less monogamous and needing/wanting more relationships for myself. Then perhaps I would fully understand things from RP's perspective)

Thanks for sharing this
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Old 06-18-2011, 04:36 AM
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. . . I discourage the pursuit of mono/poly relationships before deep emotions set in.
I'm confused by this statement. What do you mean? How do you pursue a relationship after deep emotions have developed? I mean, ya gotta start somewhere, it doesn't all happen by jumping into the middle of deep feelings. You would have to have something leading you there, so pursuing it before deep emotions begin only makes sense. Follow the yellow brick road, and all that... Have I misconstrued your meaning?
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"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 06-18-2011, 04:47 AM
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I'm confused by this statement. What do you mean? How do you pursue a relationship after deep emotions have developed??
Simply put...when someone says "I am poly and interested in or being pursued by a mono person" or "I am mono and interested in or being pursued by a poly person", my recommendation is to back away before love sets in.
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Old 06-18-2011, 04:51 AM
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If you are already in a deep relationship and one partner suddenly comes out as being mono or poly than you are in a much more difficult situation. You are now working towards maintaining a valuable established relationship between people that have a very different set of needs/wants to keep investing.
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Old 06-18-2011, 05:24 AM
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Oh, okay, I get it now. I think it was the word "pursue" that threw me.

Interesting viewpoint. Is it really so dire? I see your second example, actually, as being more ripe for success, though -- because the love is already there and that can make everything worthwhile.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 06-18-2011, 05:52 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Oh, okay, I get it now. I think it was the word "pursue" that threw me.

Interesting viewpoint. Is it really so dire? I see your second example, actually, as being more ripe for success, though -- because the love is already there and that can make everything worthwhile.
I think it is so dire especially depending on the experience level of the poly and mono person. If both have been able to fully receive love the same way they give it then they may be able to compromise easier. I met my mono needs in a past relationship. Without that background I wouldn't be able to achieve and experience the things I wanted to in my life.

While people in an established relationship will likely be much more willing to put the work into maintaining the relationship, there is probably more external pressures holding it together as well. That could be good or that could be the nature of an inescapable trap. Some people will force themselves to stay in an unhealthy relationship because of kids, retirement plans and the fear of ending up alone later in life.
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  #10  
Old 06-18-2011, 06:19 AM
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I agree Mono about external pressures holding relationships together that should be let go.

The whole thing around not monos and polys not pursuing relationships is really tricky though. Poly makes sense to many monos on an intellectual level and I've even had polyamorous feelings myself, so I honestly didn't think it would bother me. But the emotional (and perhaps psychic and spiritual levels)are a whole different issue that you just can't understand until you actually are deeply involved.
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