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  #21  
Old 11-03-2009, 04:03 AM
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BigGuy BigGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyjools View Post
Perhaps i think far to much!
I get told this alot. My wife tells me I need to lay off the psycho-babble. My apologies.

In short, I don't think it is wrong to ask for a period of time before either of you enter into new relationships. If he doesn't want to agree to that, that's ok too. But it's never wrong to ask, IMHO.
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  #22  
Old 11-04-2009, 04:53 AM
Dune Dune is offline
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Jools, thank you for posting this.
Im in a similar situation. Though not entirely the same.

But I do not think you are being unreasonable. You seem to be looking at it from all aspects and really questioning yourself, which is a quality alot of folk dont have.
Its important to build a relationship, to build trust and love and all those things that people need to feel secure in a multi-person relationship.

I suppose it depends on him. I HAVE to take that time at the beginning of a relationship to concentrate on someone, even if I'm already in another relationship, I will slow it down to build with the other. I have almost zero free time (full time school and a child who I have no yet integrated into either relationship, and likely wont for a while) and Ive been blessed with amazing partners and amazing circumstances, so it has worked out for us.
If he truly honestly thinks he is capable of establishing a relationship with you while doing the same with someone else, then maybe it will work after all.
If you aren't comfortable, you two can reassess at any time.

Im debating the same issue with my newer partner (who is my primary partner) because he is in a position in his life where he needs a kind of freedom I am not neccesarily 100% comfortable with. However, I understand that he needs to do his thing and we have known and loved each other for 5 years and it's hard sometimes but at the end of the day I trust that he loves me and that he would never do anything I wasnt comfortable with if I said the word.
His happiness is the most important thing in the relationship right now, to me anyways, and if he's happy, and comes to my door with that particularily adorable smile on his face, then I'm happy.
And I'll cross that uncomfortable bridge when we come to it.
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  #23  
Old 11-04-2009, 06:23 PM
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UPDATE

I have really thought about this over the last few days and i have decided that it is not unreasonable for me to feel jelous, as long as i don't let the emtion rule me then i can feel it aknowladge it and hopefully learn from it,

i did talk to him and he isn't wanting to start another relationship in the near future, he agrees that establishing something secure first would be a better idea than bringing in anymore people before we feel secure,

however
i just having that chat, being reasurred has made me feel a lot more open again, the jelousy seems to have subsided and I just feel much happier in general,

something may or may not happen with the other girl who he has liked for a long time, but I feel I am ok with the idea now as long as we are honest and he doesn't neglect me so i told him that I would not just walk away if something where to happen but that right now i would not be 100 percent comfortable with it but we will take it as it comes.


Dune - i am glad this post helped you, feel free to add to it and say more about your situation it could be ueful to help each other out,

I suppose it depends on him. I HAVE to take that time at the beginning of a relationship to concentrate on someone, even if I'm already in another relationship, I will slow it down to build with the other.

this is in a way how i am, at the start of a new relationship I focas a lot of my energy on making things work becuase i believe a good fondation is going to make things more likley to work long term,
as for him, he is very new to polyamoury however i am sure that this is a lifetyle that will suit him as he seems to have a lot of love and energy to give, and is very open to the idea and comunicates well. I think that he feels similar about establishing things first but he is aknowlading that he does still have feelings for someone else as well as me, which i apreciate that he is being honest.

I have no yet integrated into either relationship, and likely wont for a while) and Ive been blessed with amazing partners and amazing circumstances, so it has worked out for us.

where your situation differs from mine, is that my other partner i have been with for nearly 6 years so i am very intagrated in that relationship we are very much in love, and have build a life together, a house, 2 dogs, and hopefully someday children.

If he truly honestly thinks he is capable of establishing a relationship with you while doing the same with someone else, then maybe it will work after all.
If you aren't comfortable, you two can reassess at any time.


It could work i am open to that but i know i would need a LOT of reasurance and lot of comunication. I would need 100 percent radical honesty. It would most def put some strain on things becuse it would bring up so many insecure feelings in me due to our relationship being so young however I do have some faith in myself and my commitment to polyamoury that i could in theory work through those issues if i had too and perhaps even be stronger and learn from them. I think it would actually be harder for him in a sense becuase there would be tines it would not be easy for him to deal with me i can sometimes act illogical and over emtional.

Im debating the same issue with my newer partner (who is my primary partner) because he is in a position in his life where he needs a kind of freedom

I think this says a lot for you that you are able to give him this freedom, a lot of people would try and pin him down. I am guessing in real life you might even get the advice that you should pin him down, but actually i think giving him this freedom is a very loving and selfless thing to do,
in the end he will love you more for it, (if he is a decent guy)

Jools
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