Hello all! I've been lurking for a while and decided I would like some advice. So here's my intro and background to my question.
TL;DR: I keep seeing that there is no one way to be poly but I'm guessing there are MANY ways to do poly wrong. I was hoping you all could tell me if you see any red flags. Very long... I know... Thanks ahead of time.
My husband (who I will refer to as Roy) and I, both guys, have been together for 20 years and just so you know we have a certain... competitive nature to our relationship which is hard to put down on paper without sounding unhealthy.
There's a certain amount of score keeping that happens. I still owe him two water balloons to the head but I'm not allowed to claim them until I can remember why he deserves them. That sort of thing. ALL in good fun.
This extends to "Greg". Almost the entire time we've been together we've had Greg. Greg is the mythical unicorn houseboy that is in GREAT shape, cooks, cleans, knows massage, is versatile, is available at a moments notice, etc. "I'm going out will you be okay?" "Sure, Greg is coming over. I'll be fine". Sometimes it is more "Well if you're going to be cranky then Greg and I are going to cuddle in the living room. When you stop being pissy you can come join us." In retrospect, I guess we've been "mythically poly" for a long time.
Cut to two years ago, I was headed to an LGBT Underwater Basket Weaving Convention (not sure yet if I want to give away too many real life details...). We were teasing each other and I said something like "You know, if you're going to keep picking on me... I'm headed to UBW and I'm sure, of the thousands of gay guys there, I can find someone to replace you. At the very least I can make sure I have a grand old time in the hotel hot tub without you". His response was something along the lines of "You can do whatever you want I trust you". Conversation was had and basically I was reassured that I could do whatever I wanted.
And I did... My hotel roommate and good friend, Chris, and I hit it off very well. No sex was had but a lot of naked hanky-panky was. More could have happened but I had interpreted Roy's Rules as "anything that happens in the hot tub at UBW stays in the hot tub at UBW" IE less than FULL permission to do anything AND Chris's Husband would have been upset by actual sex. As it is, I think Chris probably shouldn't have done what he did BUT I was trusting his interpretation of their relationship some of the "he shouldn't" is in retrospect.
When I got home I told Roy that hanky-panky happened and his first question was "So did you have sex?" I explained that I didn't think I was allowed, plus the situation with Chris's husband and so on. He told me I should have gone for it. He MEANT it that I could do ANYTHING I wanted.
Partially because of UBW and partially for other reasons I started seeing a therapist, who just so happened to be bi and poly, and we've talked about a LOT of things. Including Greg, Chris, Roy, etc. Short version is that I'm mildly depressed and have mild social anxiety but I'm doing a LOT better now (two years in). I also identify more as Demisexual BUT I'm told that often implies a certain amount of asexuality which I do not identify with. BTW: this probably explains Chris. Good friend, emotional bonds, hanky-panky is okay! One of the other things my therapist and I discussed is a lot of the poly terminology. Things like polycules, compersion, relationship orientation, ethical non-monogamy and so on and so forth.
So now we're back to present day... Only a dozen or so paragraphs in.
As I said about my mental health I'm doing a LOT better and part of that is because I'm on an anti-depressant. Now, I never had a RAGING libido but it has dropped that down to a bare minimum. It also has made it very easy to get "distracted" and lose my ability to perform and lastly while I had an occasional post-orgasm migraine before the meds I now get them almost every time I have an orgasm that is not from jerking off. (And even then sometimes). I am ABSOLUTELY working with my doctor on this but for now that's the lay of the land.
So one night post-sexy-time as I'm twitching in the dark with a migraine Roy asked if we should stop having sex because it was just hurting me. Which means a LOT to me but also feels very unfair because Roy has a fairly high libido. He understands that I need an emotional involvement with any outside partner but he would be more than happy to have someone else in bed with us for the sheer "geometric" possibilities and that this disconnect is a primary reason we haven't done anything poly-adjacent. We talked about a few possibilities but my take was that he was basically talking about having a romantic relationship with me but be allowed to play around to satisfy his libido. Reading that back it sounds selfish of him but in the moment it was entirely me centered. "If I'm physically hurting you, I can do these things and involve you in these ways". I also know that he knows that being Demi, I'm turned on by what turns on my partner so if he is being turned on then I'll be turned on and happy for him. IE compersion. He also works from home so he offered to keep it completely out of sight and I would simply know he was being satisfied. I told him "Head hurts. Brain full. Not the time to decide things."
So I've pondered and my list of things to talk about in the eventual conversation is as follows:
IF we are going to open up our relationship to outside players then...
1. (Biggest question, so first) Does this open the door to "naked play time" in general? As a VERY simple example, Roy can NOT give a massage to save his life. Am I allowed to go find that sort of thing? If I do and that leads to hanky panky or sex is that a problem for him? Are we assuming that I will only have sex with him involved (very likely anyways...) either only with him or with him and someone else?
2. Is anyone off limits? Friends? Co-Workers? Do either of us get Veto rights? Are there behaviors that are off limits? (I know some open couples that save kissing for themselves for example) Is there a quantity limit? No more than three play dates a week or something like that?
3. I now know that I'm not a shy introvert, I'm a mildly depressed, mildly socially-anxious ambivert. I need to socialize as part of treating that. Roy on the other hand is a more classic introvert. I have a social life. He doesn't (much). Especially if veto rights exist, who decides when/if a pal of mine goes from just-social to more?
4. Regarding hosting/location. Roy works from home and I don't. What does that mean for dates.
5. Safety and safe sex. Roy and I are fluid bonded but any dates obviously wouldn't be. Roy brought up the specific example of PrEP and condoms but in general what safety measures, both physically and sexually, need to exist.
6. Reporting in. Do we need to ever check in about dates? If so how and when?
7. Any other suggestions from the hive mind?
Now... I had considered that we're going on vacation next week and I'm thinking of bringing this up and having the chat as a sort of Christmas present. Something along the lines of "I know you haven't been exactly happy, and I want you to be happy, so lets work this out so can be happier again". Depending on the outcome of that, I'd also considered the possibility of cuddling up on the vacation couch, setting up a dating app profile and seeing if we could chat up someone also on vacation. Do enough chatting with new friend so as to get beyond my "stranger danger" aversion and "celebrate" the holidays. My thoughts are that if it doesn't completely work out that it hasn't "tainted" anything at home if only because, in theory, we will never see that person again.
Thoughts? Suggestions? You made it this far in reading my novel and for that I can only thank you.
Flikker
TL;DR: I keep seeing that there is no one way to be poly but I'm guessing there are MANY ways to do poly wrong. I was hoping you all could tell me if you see any red flags. Very long... I know... Thanks ahead of time.
My husband (who I will refer to as Roy) and I, both guys, have been together for 20 years and just so you know we have a certain... competitive nature to our relationship which is hard to put down on paper without sounding unhealthy.
There's a certain amount of score keeping that happens. I still owe him two water balloons to the head but I'm not allowed to claim them until I can remember why he deserves them. That sort of thing. ALL in good fun.This extends to "Greg". Almost the entire time we've been together we've had Greg. Greg is the mythical unicorn houseboy that is in GREAT shape, cooks, cleans, knows massage, is versatile, is available at a moments notice, etc. "I'm going out will you be okay?" "Sure, Greg is coming over. I'll be fine". Sometimes it is more "Well if you're going to be cranky then Greg and I are going to cuddle in the living room. When you stop being pissy you can come join us." In retrospect, I guess we've been "mythically poly" for a long time.
Cut to two years ago, I was headed to an LGBT Underwater Basket Weaving Convention (not sure yet if I want to give away too many real life details...). We were teasing each other and I said something like "You know, if you're going to keep picking on me... I'm headed to UBW and I'm sure, of the thousands of gay guys there, I can find someone to replace you. At the very least I can make sure I have a grand old time in the hotel hot tub without you". His response was something along the lines of "You can do whatever you want I trust you". Conversation was had and basically I was reassured that I could do whatever I wanted.
And I did... My hotel roommate and good friend, Chris, and I hit it off very well. No sex was had but a lot of naked hanky-panky was. More could have happened but I had interpreted Roy's Rules as "anything that happens in the hot tub at UBW stays in the hot tub at UBW" IE less than FULL permission to do anything AND Chris's Husband would have been upset by actual sex. As it is, I think Chris probably shouldn't have done what he did BUT I was trusting his interpretation of their relationship some of the "he shouldn't" is in retrospect.
When I got home I told Roy that hanky-panky happened and his first question was "So did you have sex?" I explained that I didn't think I was allowed, plus the situation with Chris's husband and so on. He told me I should have gone for it. He MEANT it that I could do ANYTHING I wanted.
Partially because of UBW and partially for other reasons I started seeing a therapist, who just so happened to be bi and poly, and we've talked about a LOT of things. Including Greg, Chris, Roy, etc. Short version is that I'm mildly depressed and have mild social anxiety but I'm doing a LOT better now (two years in). I also identify more as Demisexual BUT I'm told that often implies a certain amount of asexuality which I do not identify with. BTW: this probably explains Chris. Good friend, emotional bonds, hanky-panky is okay! One of the other things my therapist and I discussed is a lot of the poly terminology. Things like polycules, compersion, relationship orientation, ethical non-monogamy and so on and so forth.
So now we're back to present day... Only a dozen or so paragraphs in.
As I said about my mental health I'm doing a LOT better and part of that is because I'm on an anti-depressant. Now, I never had a RAGING libido but it has dropped that down to a bare minimum. It also has made it very easy to get "distracted" and lose my ability to perform and lastly while I had an occasional post-orgasm migraine before the meds I now get them almost every time I have an orgasm that is not from jerking off. (And even then sometimes). I am ABSOLUTELY working with my doctor on this but for now that's the lay of the land.
So one night post-sexy-time as I'm twitching in the dark with a migraine Roy asked if we should stop having sex because it was just hurting me. Which means a LOT to me but also feels very unfair because Roy has a fairly high libido. He understands that I need an emotional involvement with any outside partner but he would be more than happy to have someone else in bed with us for the sheer "geometric" possibilities and that this disconnect is a primary reason we haven't done anything poly-adjacent. We talked about a few possibilities but my take was that he was basically talking about having a romantic relationship with me but be allowed to play around to satisfy his libido. Reading that back it sounds selfish of him but in the moment it was entirely me centered. "If I'm physically hurting you, I can do these things and involve you in these ways". I also know that he knows that being Demi, I'm turned on by what turns on my partner so if he is being turned on then I'll be turned on and happy for him. IE compersion. He also works from home so he offered to keep it completely out of sight and I would simply know he was being satisfied. I told him "Head hurts. Brain full. Not the time to decide things."
So I've pondered and my list of things to talk about in the eventual conversation is as follows:
IF we are going to open up our relationship to outside players then...
1. (Biggest question, so first) Does this open the door to "naked play time" in general? As a VERY simple example, Roy can NOT give a massage to save his life. Am I allowed to go find that sort of thing? If I do and that leads to hanky panky or sex is that a problem for him? Are we assuming that I will only have sex with him involved (very likely anyways...) either only with him or with him and someone else?
2. Is anyone off limits? Friends? Co-Workers? Do either of us get Veto rights? Are there behaviors that are off limits? (I know some open couples that save kissing for themselves for example) Is there a quantity limit? No more than three play dates a week or something like that?
3. I now know that I'm not a shy introvert, I'm a mildly depressed, mildly socially-anxious ambivert. I need to socialize as part of treating that. Roy on the other hand is a more classic introvert. I have a social life. He doesn't (much). Especially if veto rights exist, who decides when/if a pal of mine goes from just-social to more?
4. Regarding hosting/location. Roy works from home and I don't. What does that mean for dates.
5. Safety and safe sex. Roy and I are fluid bonded but any dates obviously wouldn't be. Roy brought up the specific example of PrEP and condoms but in general what safety measures, both physically and sexually, need to exist.
6. Reporting in. Do we need to ever check in about dates? If so how and when?
7. Any other suggestions from the hive mind?
Now... I had considered that we're going on vacation next week and I'm thinking of bringing this up and having the chat as a sort of Christmas present. Something along the lines of "I know you haven't been exactly happy, and I want you to be happy, so lets work this out so can be happier again". Depending on the outcome of that, I'd also considered the possibility of cuddling up on the vacation couch, setting up a dating app profile and seeing if we could chat up someone also on vacation. Do enough chatting with new friend so as to get beyond my "stranger danger" aversion and "celebrate" the holidays. My thoughts are that if it doesn't completely work out that it hasn't "tainted" anything at home if only because, in theory, we will never see that person again.
Thoughts? Suggestions? You made it this far in reading my novel and for that I can only thank you.
Flikker
