New Phase

[sweetie]

It's Saturday morning. Sea and Tommy are still sleeping. Tommy worked a 12 hour shift last night, and as usual Sea and I stayed up talking about everything and nothing.

Sea leaves on Monday to go visit her daughter for a week. Two weeks ago she was leaving to get away from our crazy mixed up lives. Thankfully we have come along way in those two weeks. Amongst the yelling, the crying, the pain, misunderstanding, and explanations, has come a great time of healing for all three of us. Now she's going because she wants to. Not to just get away.

So here's the thing. Tommy asked me yesterday if I would spend the week with him while Sea is gone. Sea knew he was going to ask me, she also knew I would say no. Crazy isn't it. I have often times said I don't get to spend enough one on one time with Tommy. Here's my chance right? Wrong. I'm afraid. Sea knows this, and I'm not really sure that Tommy understands why.

This summer, Tommy and I moved his son to another town. Sea was working so it was an opportunity for Tommy and I to spend a weekend by ourselves. Our only regret was missing Sea. We had all become so used to spending all our time together, that it felt like a part of us was missing. Now don't get me wrong, we had a great weekend together. We talked, laughed, had dinner with one of Tommy's cousins, and we found something between us that had not previously been there. That thing we found is still there, and it grows stronger everyday. I didn't realize that we had started to treat each other differently. Not in a bad way, a very good way, and in doing so, we made Sea feel like she had lost something. Not just something from Tommy, but from myself as well.

That caused great hurt and pain between us all. A hurt we were unaware of at the time, and grew to gigantic preportions. That hurt is still there, and a part of me, a big part of me is still so unsure. Not unsure of their feelings for me, or mine for them, but of what could happen. I know we can't live in the what could, but if you've been hurt enough times, you almost wait for it. I don't know how Sea will react when she comes home. She doesn't know how she will react when she comes home. It may be all well and good, and then wham, it will come out a week later, or a month, that she did indeed have a problem with it. A problem she didn't know she had. Feelings are a very tricky thing, and our heads can go to places we never thought they would go until we're there, trying to figure out what the hell is going on, and why am I feeling the way I am. She is trying so hard, and is now in a far different place then she was 2 weeks ago, and all any of us can do now is go forward, and find peace with each other again.

I'm hoping with enough time, the hurt will go away. That I will once again feel secure in spending an extended amount of time with Tommy, and the outcome will be far different then the last time. Tommy tells me, that the only way I'm going to find out is if I put myself there again, and prove to myself that it will all be okay. Because I don't know if it will be okay, and Sea doesn't know if it will okay, I don't want to put myself there. I can trust. I do trust, but it doesn't take away the fear. So it's baby steps for me.