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  #21  
Old 06-16-2011, 08:23 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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For the record, I do NOT see poly-fi as the same as monogamy.

Poly-fi can be a huge family of non-monogamous people. You are still non-monogamous, you are still open minded and you have still found multiple people to love. In the end, even though the relationship is consciously closed, you still have the "possibility" of something else happening.

I would bet mono would agree to. There is not really a chance of the door ever being shut completely.. I could be wrong of course...

In monogamy, that door, those risks to the heart, all of that.. is closed. Monogamy is safe.. poly-fi.. is "mostly" safe. Maybe.. sort of.. kinda

Thats always been my take anyways.
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  #22  
Old 06-16-2011, 08:28 PM
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Gosh, Ari, all those little winky faces! You are so cute.
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  #23  
Old 06-16-2011, 08:33 PM
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I guess I could talk about our experience exclusively. We did that last year and it ended up being a discussion, in part anyway, on why you shouldn't date a mono or shouldn't expect someone who has been poly and decides to be a mono to stay mono. I dunno, I was just hoping to add more from others thoughts on what they have noticed and what has worked for them.

Ari- I have not been monogamous in about 17 years now, I thought I could at least pass for it a bit in order to understand a bit. Maybe not. There is always room for change in my life in terms of relationship dynamic. Poly fi or not. Maybe that is the difference between poly and mono? Although there is room for change in anyones life, its just in monogamy the change means an ending, in mine it means the possibility of new beginnings, a shuffle of priorities, focus and an addition of more love.
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  #24  
Old 06-16-2011, 08:41 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I guess I could talk about our experience exclusively. We did that last year and it ended up being a discussion, in part anyway, on why you shouldn't date a mono or shouldn't expect someone who has been poly and decides to be a mono to stay mono. I dunno, I was just hoping to add more from others thoughts on what they have noticed and what has worked for them.
Would mono do it like a dual speaker. Create the mono/poly dichotomy right on stage?

Quote:
Ari- I have not been monogamous in about 17 years now, I thought I could at least pass for it a bit in order to understand a bit. Maybe not. There is always room for change in my life in terms of relationship dynamic. Poly fi or not. Maybe that is the difference between poly and mono? Although there is room for change in anyones life, its just in monogamy the change means an ending, in mine it means the possibility of new beginnings, a shuffle of priorities, focus and an addition of more love.
My take on mono is exactly that. There is no room for change in the relationship dynamic. The core structure remains the same.

No matter how -fi a poly person is.. there is still.. possible restructuring. A new person could sweep in and well.. change the dynamic even slightly..

Poly really requires a constant level of adaptability that monogamy just doesn't require.
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  #25  
Old 06-16-2011, 08:42 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Gosh, Ari, all those little winky faces! You are so cute.
*blush*.. well now.. I tend to overuse them on the forums because I am not much of a winker.. I closely resemble someone with bells pallsy. So I stick to overt flirting and kissy faces.. goes over well hahaha
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  #26  
Old 06-16-2011, 10:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
For the record, I do NOT see poly-fi as the same as monogamy.
Agreed!

I've been thinking how to answer this question and still having difficulty so I appologize in advance as I'm just thowing out some random thoughts here.

Mono relationships (esp marriage) have the ILLUSSION of permanence and saftey. Kinda like a road trip, where marriage is the destination. For me, I was in fear that some one else would come along and replace me. I would not be necessary and therefore would be tossed aside.

ie. Most of us ladies know we can never have too many shoes. Well a mono would think that since I already have a pair of black heels, if I bring home these great new ones, I must get rid of the old ones. Since the old ones are comfortable, already broken in and still in great condition, the new ones stay at the store.

You can replace shoes, with techno gagets or such. Why do I need an ipad, I have a perfectly good laptop at home? The laptop has all the programs I need already on it, it has all my reports, favorites and other stuff already stored and the thought of going from PC to Apple formats scares the crap out of me...


Also to use some sailing references:
Some sailors like to rig their boat so nearly the whole thing can run on auto-pilot. There is only one set of sails (maybe a backup) that can be adjusted as needed and the winches have motors so they can be handled by only one person. They set their course and stick to it. If the wind changes, make adjustments in the sails or even turn on the motor, but stay the course. They live for the calm times.

Then there are others who rig their boat for a race. There might be 5-6 different sails to adjust for various conditions. It requires multiple people to working together to make even the slightest change. Changes can be slow and well planned out or can be sharp, fast and hair raising. The calm times cause aggitation due to inactivity. Everyone is happy when things are in constant motion and excited when sudden changes are required. The calm times are good for catching your breath (and grabbing a beer or two) in-between the chaos.

I hope that made sense.
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  #27  
Old 06-17-2011, 01:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
  • Mono relationship structures tend to be more about ownership and control of partners and partnership.
  • Mono relationships tend to put "the relationship" on a pedistal of what is accomplished rather than "the individual." The individual effort, pride in personal work and being/acting individually seems to be more important and necessary in poly.
  • In mono relationships their tend to be the belief that love is scarce and we should all be holding on to it rather than love is abundant and found everywhere as in many poly relationships
I think you're conflating patriarchy and monogamy. Though I believe that they are mutual reinforcing systems - especially because of how monogamy is most commonly practiced. Monogamy is an efficient way to keep women entrained to their biology while allowing men greater flexibility and control.

They are, however, separate systems in my view. As others have pointed out, you can have monogamy without control, ownership and the like. Of course, you can have poly with huge doses of all that same crap (perhaps more likely in polyfidelity situations). Just because women are complicit in their own sexual and financial indentured servitude via traditional monogamous expectations does not mean its not all about patriachy than anything else.

In essence, monogamy (a "simple" preference or orientation for emotional and sexual exclusivity) is tainted by patriarchy (a system of control and subjugation).
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Last edited by MindfulAgony; 06-17-2011 at 01:02 AM.
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  #28  
Old 06-17-2011, 01:45 AM
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SNeacail- that's a really interesting way to look at it all, thanks!

MA- are you referring to all the points I suggested? Or just one, just a couple? I hadn't thought of it that way. I have never been in a relationship where my partner has conducted him/herself the way I have portrayed it in my points. Perhaps I am confusing two systems.
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  #29  
Old 06-17-2011, 02:12 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
SNeacail- that's a really interesting way to look at it all, thanks!

MA- are you referring to all the points I suggested? Or just one, just a couple? I hadn't thought of it that way. I have never been in a relationship where my partner has conducted him/herself the way I have portrayed it in my points. Perhaps I am confusing two systems.
I was really responding to the first bullet. And the last to some degree as its a reinforcing ideology critical to monogamy's (in particular, the idea of a soul mate, one and only life partner) mass unquestioned acceptance.
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  #30  
Old 06-17-2011, 02:18 AM
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I think your points are a bit too negative. If I had to phrase it I would say...

Monogamy is based on stability, safety and less change, and a journey taken together. Polyamory is more about each person's individual journey, each on their own. It is more expected in monogamy that big events in your life will be shared, while in polyamory, you can have big events in one partner's life (marriage, pregnancy) that don't affect you directly (even though they can affect you indirectly. It's not YOUR marriage or YOUR biological child, though).

In monogamy, there is that feeing that anything you do is more likely to be shared by some kind of osmosis, while polyamory is a more complex beast and things do have an effect on you but you're not always sharing the spotlight anymore.
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