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  #11  
Old 06-14-2011, 07:14 AM
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clairegoad clairegoad is offline
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Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post

Well, she has been talking to him. I'm not getting into what his charges are, but I will say that two are felonies, and none have anything to do with child support.

If you were getting into a new relationship, and had reason to believe the person had been in jail, would YOU do a background check on them?
Yes. I work in an industry where a felony ends a career. I have to be clean, sober and a law-abiding citizen. I expect the same from my partners.

While there may be a good explanation, if someone has been arrested--- you can learn a lot by how they explain that "mistake." If the felonies were violent, if they were stealing others' money, if they were crimes against children or the elderly.... that says a lot about a person.

Yes, even people on parole need love. BUT... in the beginning of a relationship, honesty is more important than saving face.


(and yes, this is an American thing.--it is far more common that someone has been arrested/has been in prison here. According to a Huffington Post article http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/0..._n_744222.html---Currently more than one in 100 Americans is in prison, the report says, as the total incarcerated population, at 2.3 million, is by the far the world's largest. The U.S. prison population, in fact, is larger than that of the top 35 European countries combined. What's more, the U.S. spends about $50 billion annually to maintain this system.)
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  #12  
Old 06-14-2011, 07:28 AM
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While there may be a good explanation, if someone has been arrested--- you can learn a lot by how they explain that "mistake."
Just getting arrested isn't bad. One can get arrested for protesting a tree being cut down, for example. One can get arrested for a misdemeanor, and the charges dismissed.

If someone's been convicted now that's more of an issue. And of course, the severity of the charges. But just because someone was convicted and did time for something like theft, or whatnot, doesn't mean they will always be a thief or cannot reform.

I agree that they should be honest upfront, and not get bent out of shape over a background check.
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  #13  
Old 06-14-2011, 12:11 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Originally Posted by clairegoad View Post

While there may be a good explanation, if someone has been arrested--- you can learn a lot by how they explain that "mistake." If the felonies were violent, if they were stealing others' money, if they were crimes against children or the elderly.... that says a lot about a person.
I have to agree with this.

We (LT and I) felt that since he opened up and told us that he was currently ON probation, it was fair game to research. While I didn't pay anything for the search, I still am able to conduct one. In fact, here in Florida, arrest records are all public information. So if you know the county of the arrest, you can look it up on that counties website. Usually, if you ask simple questions about the person's past residence's, and find out where all they have lived, you can find out anything you want to about them. The internet is a wonderful thing. The problem, is that often times, we will make snap decisions based on the info we find. Sometimes, those decisions are a good thing.....Others, not so much.

In our case, he had been arrested in 04,05,06, again in 07 with prison time in 07, and another arrest in 2010. So it looks like he was TRYING to clean up after 07. The one in 2010, was a driving while license suspended IIRC, and here in Florida, we kinda overlook that specific charge. Why? Because in Floriduh, the state can, and DOES suspend your license for things such as unpaid child support or unpaid car insurance. These license suspensions are often without any kind of notice, so HERE, it is best to check your license every couple months or so to prevent such a thing from happening. The cops DO know if you have been notified and RESPONDED to your license revokation or not also. So if they see it was not known about, they will often times give you a warning, and log it into the state system that now you know.

We are currently talking to this guy to see how he is explaining it out. He shamefully admitted to all of it. He said he was embarrassed about it all. He said he felt like he was under a micro scope. LT told him that we do this sort of thing to protect ourselves nd those we are CURRENTLY involved with, and if that bothered him, she was sorry. But it was something we HAD to do.


As for cultural differences, well...Here in the states it is COMMON to do a background check on someone. I actually get kinda relieved when someone tells me they are going to do one on me. I always tell people I'm wanting to get to know "better", about MY past. I got arrested and served jail time. ONCE....21 years ago. And haven't been in trouble since. It was a nice drunken night, and I wound up in jail. But eh....Whatever. I did my time and I stayed clean ever since.

This guy is YOUNG. LOL He is only 25. (LT is a cougar! LOL) I am 40, and LT is 39. So this guy reminds me a lot of myself. And the things he did, are not completely unlike anything I would have done at the same age. So we can overlook a lot of things.

But MY issue, was we told him (and I QUOTE) "All we ask, is that you are honest with us, and yourself". And he was not completely honest. However, he did not DENY anything once called out. So, that spoke volumes to me.
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  #14  
Old 06-14-2011, 12:52 PM
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I can think of one or two folks in my past that I wish I HAD done a background check on. Would've saved me a lot of anguish.
So put me in the Yes vote.

There's no room in a relationship...poly or mono, primary or secondary...for blatant dishonesty like that.
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  #15  
Old 06-14-2011, 01:28 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Also - this guy has at least one kid somewhere that he's not paying child-support for. Expect to hear all about how awful the babbymomma(s) are.
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  #16  
Old 06-14-2011, 01:44 PM
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Also - this guy has at least one kid somewhere that he's not paying child-support for. Expect to hear all about how awful the babbymomma(s) are.
Actually, he DID get that taken care of. The child was proven not to be his. At least this is what we've been told so far. Not sure I believe it yet, but time will tell.
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  #17  
Old 06-14-2011, 01:50 PM
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My partner and I have been in a similar situation with someone she was dating. We met him first as a friend and he was honest about going to jail. When things changed, (We never did a background check) but of course we asked him what he went to jail for.
He didn't lie, and that honestly made all the difference to us, and he didnt go to jail for something small. We kept him in our lives because he was young at the time he went to jail, and because he really was a changed person.

However in the future I really see no problem with doing a background check on someone. I would maybe tell them that I plan to do one, but you did ask so you gave this guy the oppertunity to tell the truth. He has no right to be anrgy with you or your wife that he got caught in a lie.
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  #18  
Old 06-14-2011, 03:07 PM
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Well, unless you violated the law in doing the record check, then you clearly had the right. I don't think that's what you're asking. I think you're asking, "was it reasonable?" That's not our call. You have to make decisions for yourself that you feel comfortable with.
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  #19  
Old 06-14-2011, 03:26 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Nope, no violating the laws. Everything I got, I got legally.
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  #20  
Old 06-14-2011, 05:06 PM
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I don't know that I would want to date someone who would do a background check on me. I don't have anything to hide by any means but it would make me uncomfortable that someone was going behind my back to find things out when they first met me rather than just asking me about myself.

I understand that what he was telling you wasn't ringing true to you but if it was me I think I would have let him know that I was interested in researching it further for myself to see if his story did check out. I think that he probably would have just come clean right away if that was the case.

We all have things in our past that we aren't proud of. There are things I'm not going to tell someone in the first few meetings because that level of trust just isn't there yet. I don't know that the info isn't going to be used against me in some way in some other area of my life. This fellow doesn't know you any better than you know him. I believe that people have a right to some level of privacy. Just because you can find it on the internet doesn't mean you have to.

Sometimes it seems that people are looking for dirt on those who they are just meeting so that they have a reason not to trust them right off the bat. Trust is mutually earned. I don't expect 100% transparency from someone who I am just meeting. Just like I don't show 100% of who I am right off the bat.
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