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Old 06-24-2011, 02:27 PM
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Kommander Kommander is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Detroit
Posts: 112

I apologize if this is starting to look like a blog thread. It may look that way, but it is specific to the issue I originally raised.

Since the last post, there have been some discussions and a few arguments. Also, to make it easier, I will refer to the guy as Tom, and the girl as Rachael.

Tom is very mono-minded, but wants multiple sex partners. A Swinger, as it were. He denies it, but he really doesn't like it when Rachael is with others, he accepts it only because it wouldn't be fair. He doesn't mind me as much as other people, but he still doesn't like it. He makes a clear distinction between "romantic love" and friendship, yet seems unable to define the two.

Rachael is somewhat mono-minded, but seems is still trying to figure things out. She's a very loving person, and what is friendship to her would appear to be "romantic love" to a strictly monogamous person. It seems like she's "fully polyamorous," but hasn't considered the philosophy behind it too much.

I am what I call "fully polyamorous," although there may be another term for it. I don't believe in placing artificial restrictions on relationships, and believe in loving freely, allowing relationships to seek their own level, and don't have expectations or decide what I want from a relationship before I know what's possible, or try to push relationships in directions they aren't meant to go. To me, friendship is love. "Romantic love" is not something I feel, and something I don't believe in. After all, "romance" is a synonym of "fiction."

Tom told me he's fine with Rachael and I having sex, and with us being friends, but he is not okay with there being "romantic love" between us. As far as I can tell, this is just an issue of labels. Tom is her one and only boyfriend, and that is their only "relationship." As long as we don't call what her and I have a "relationship," and he doesn't get the feeling that she likes me more than him, there's no issue here.

Anyway, for the time being, I have backed out and decided to keep things strictly "Platonic." Even if there's no issue here, they don't know how to set clear boundaries, and, while they may not realize they're doing it, act very dismissively about my concerns. They also don't seem to understand my point of view on the situation, and assume things to be understood that aren't. Essentially, it boils down to they have no idea what they're doing and suck at communication.

I'm still thinking about what I need before I'm willing to resume non-"Platonic" relations, and a lot of it has to do with feeling the situation out. However, I do have some conditions and a few boundaries to establish before I'm willing to resume things.

1: They must both read The Ethical Slut at a minimum. The book describes where I'm coming from better than I can, and hopefully, in reading it, they'll realize what they've been doing "wrong." I may recommend other things for them to read, but those are just recommendations.

2: They must both demonstrate an effort and desire to improve their communication skills. With each other, with me, and with others.

3: I'm also taking nycindie's advice on keeping my friendship with Tom separate from my friendship with Rachael. My friendship with him cannot be used to undermine their agreement.

If anyone has any input at this point, I'd love to hear it. I think I know how to proceed from here, but help is always appreciated, and I know there are things I have not considered.

Also, I put "Platonic" in quotation marks because I know what Plato was really up to, and I'm not a fan of his. I'm sure you guys know what I mean by the use of the word.

Last edited by Kommander; 06-24-2011 at 02:30 PM. Reason: Plato sucks.
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