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Old 06-13-2011, 05:50 PM
himandher himandher is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Default from swingers to primary partners.... WOW!

ok, so heres our story....

(this is also "our" profile here, so i will specify that this is the she half writing today...)

I was your totally sterio-typical teenage girl who had no father figure growing up. i was very sexually active as a teen, and i equated sex and the desire of a person of the opposite sex to have my body as love... i didnt know any better... thats what i did...

around my 18th birthday i met the man of my dreams... even though i had NO idea he was the man of my dreams at the time! i now know he had been trying to flirt with me and i was oblivious to it... (makes me smile and shake my head to think of it...)

trying to make a long story short.... i was sexually active with a lot of other guys while i thought that he (now my husband) only saw me as a friend....

he showed up at my place one night... and that is when i fell in love.... we were on and off again for years.... (keep in mind the first time we were intimate, we ended up with a son 9 months later...)

so now we have been together for 8 years straight. we have been married for 5, we have 4 boys.... and things were really difficult for a lot of those 5 years for sure.... we almost split more times than i can count...

ive always had a desire to be with another girl. ive told him, he knew, like any guy that was always one of his fantasies.... and we started talking one night... that ended with us getting a membership to a "swingers website" and trying to meet people to potentially have sex with....

that was ONE of the best things weve ever done... not the having sex for sport or with other people, but it taught us how to communicate again.... to be open, to be honest, and to enjoy the enjoyment of each other even if that enjoyment wasnt caused by our own hands.... (in hindsight it was only a starting point....)

in all of our discussions about this he was telling me that he cant just have sex with someone... he has to have some sort of connection with the person he is going to be intimate with.... i thought i understood..... i was WRONG!!! given my equating physical attraction and attention with "connection" between 2 people.... i so did not really get it....

so we played a couple times and that was fun. we had some jealousy flare up and we talked and worked through it.... and we met *her*...... she started out as a couple.... but her and her husband split up.... so she wasnt a "them" anymore.... she was just a her.... and i like her.... he likes her... we txt chat a lot both her and i and him and her.... well and him and i too of course....

she came for a visit.... we shared ourselves with her, and she with us.... it was seriously AMAZING.... and on WAY more than the physical level.... i was able to see the feelings my husband has for her in the way he moved and touched her and looked at her... and i LOVED it... in fact there were 3 "sessions" that night.... after the first one i CHOSE to just watch for the most part... i had ZERO jealousy.... i experienced new emotions that i had never even dreamed were possible...

then she had to go home.... and life sort of went back to the way it was... but with a WHOLE new kind of connection between my husband and i....

and then it became apparant that i totally did NOT understand like i thought i did... but it didnt occur to me in that way... i found jealousy, rage, heart break, distrust, and neglect.... most of which were all in my head....

he was talking to her A LOT.... he REALLY liked her... it was looking like he was falling in love with her.... and he wasnt putting me first.... that was our "rule" he ALWAYS comes first for me and i ALWAYS come first for him....

again to try to make this short.... im leaving out some details.... but i would talk to him about how i was feeling and he would justify why his actions were ok and defend her feelings and actions and gloss over my feelings.... we had a VERY bad 2 weeks.... we almost split up... i said things to her that i wish i could take back.... he reclaimed his love for me and promised me things were going to change....

in short i was a very miserable woman....

and then we had a talk again a few days ago.... and he explained the "emotional connection" he needs and i really understood it this time... we talked A LOT.......

we fell in love all over again.... i realized i was wrong.... that i really screwed up... he explained his feelings and the need he has for them... and he also committed to ME... again...

now this might not seem like a real "wow" moment... but weve had problems in the past. ive always loved him... always known that he was and is my "soul mate" but there were many years where his actions toward me did not match the words he was saying to me... hed say he loved me etc but his actions were the opposite.... and during this talk we had, he admitted that he hasnt treated me right for all these years, taken me for granted, etc....

all these years (especially my teenage years) i havent truely known what love is or was (except with my husband) and i didnt understand how sex really truely should be... with the emotional connection involved and having sex and itimacy be the RESULT of the emotional connection felt between two people rather than the CAUSE of that emotional connection... he has taught me soooooo much...

i feel like a new woman... i have new "motives" (? maybe isnt the right word) i dont want to give my body to someone anymore in hopes for that fleeting feeling of connection... i want to give my heart and mind... and i want that connection made because the other person has given me thiers as well... i want to share in the joy that my husband can find with a lover... i want to know how he feels about her... i want to see him express it..... and i want to know that his lover feels the same for him...

as i was trying to post an ad on.... (LOL) craigslist last night... it occured to me that we really arent swingers anymore.... im not sure if we truely ever were.... the whole time we thought we were swingers, we would talk about how everyone out there in the swinger world was looking for just a quick screw.... and we werent like that.... how it seemed we were different from the other swingers.....

well DUH! lol yes we want sex, and intimacy.... but thats just it... we want sex AND intimacy... and intimacy for us is a connection between 2 minds and hearts.... NOT just 2 or more body parts!

ive been doing a lot of reading on the topic of poly relationships and being poly.... i cannot describe how i feel except to say that i want it... it describes what WE want... the posts i read and articles hit me in the chest.... they take my breath away and make my heart skip a beat because they describe everything we have been trying to find in the good ol' swingers community and not having much luck.... though we did find *her* and i am trying to repair the damage i did with her and our relationships when i had my "moment" i keep sharing bits of what i find with my husband.... i want him to learn more on his own too, and i hope once he does we can find more love than we could have ever imagined...

he IS my soul mate... i AM his... it will ALWAYS be... and i think that is part of what makes it comfortable, desireable, fun, exciting, breath taking, etc... to share ourselves with others... and NOT just share our bodies... and come back to each other and TALK... be HONEST... share in the joy each of us could be feeling with another at any given point, and also support, comfort, and love each other unconditionally if our joy with someone happens to turn to sorrow...

we are just starting our journey.... and i could not be happier or more satisfied... i can be ME.... he can be HIM... we have to hide NOTHING with each other and i cannot describe how liberating that feels, or the emotional closeness it creates between us.....
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  #2  
Old 06-18-2011, 02:39 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,186
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Welcome aboard.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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