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  #1  
Old 06-19-2011, 03:59 PM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Default Poly Double Standard?

... so I have been trying to wrap myself around this whole poly thing for a couple of months, and for the most part I have been doing well.

Outside of the "spontaneous" threesome episode with my guy's OSO (and the subsequent lessons learned), things have been going...OK

I wanted to get some perspective on two recent occurences...

First, the post threesome "episode". Even though we were protected, all three of us ended up having reactions (simple irritation--no STD's or anything), but I thought it was interesting that the OSO made a significant effort to try to blame me for it. She has also been dropping subtle hints about other instances in her life that lead me to believe that she is simply tolerating the lifestyle versus accepting it (i.e. telling our guy about other people in her life who are willing to setlle down with her... why would she even bring that up?)

Yet I digress...

The second incidence involves our guy mentioning that he functions better in mono/poly relationships (no shit!!!). When I challenged the fairness of that, he stated that he understood that he couldn't very well ask for the ladies to understand his poly ways and not give them the freedom to entertain others, but where he prioritized a woman that was involved in another relationship would significantly change...

Huh? That doesn't sound very poly to me!!! Is this a common double standard or does my guy just want to have multiples of his own with the benefit of being the one and only for the ladies?
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Old 06-19-2011, 04:05 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
The second incidence involves our guy mentioning that he functions better in mono/poly relationships (no shit!!!). When I challenged the fairness of that, he stated that he understood that he couldn't very well ask for the ladies to understand his poly ways and not give them the freedom to entertain others, but where he prioritized a woman that was involved in another relationship would significantly change...

Huh? That doesn't sound very poly to me!!! Is this a common double standard or does my guy just want to have multiples of his own with the benefit of being the one and only for the ladies?
At least he's up front about it. He wants what he wants the way he wants it. Is it compatible with what YOU want? You are both separate people and have to make your own choices as to what you do and do not want out of a relationship.
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Old 06-19-2011, 04:21 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
First, the post threesome "episode". Even though we were protected, all three of us ended up having reactions (simple irritation--no STD's or anything), but I thought it was interesting that the OSO made a significant effort to try to blame me for it. She has also been dropping subtle hints about other instances in her life that lead me to believe that she is simply tolerating the lifestyle versus accepting it (i.e. telling our guy about other people in her life who are willing to setlle down with her... why would she even bring that up?)
Fake it till you make it. How often do we see this in life anyways. She will wing it till it works, or she breaks..

Its a risk, but it can work well

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The second incidence involves our guy mentioning that he functions better in mono/poly relationships (no shit!!!). When I challenged the fairness of that, he stated that he understood that he couldn't very well ask for the ladies to understand his poly ways and not give them the freedom to entertain others, but where he prioritized a woman that was involved in another relationship would significantly change...

Huh? That doesn't sound very poly to me!!! Is this a common double standard or does my guy just want to have multiples of his own with the benefit of being the one and only for the ladies?
It is poly.. he wants to love more than one ethically. He wants you to love him.. only.

Is that fair, nope. But at least he has been clear (aka neon is right).. if that doesn't mesh with what you want, then you need to figure out how much being fair means to you.

It is.. ummm sort of common. It is common to new couples coming into poly. Its an easy barrier to put up.. easy barriers are rarely good ones though.

You have to seriously make a decision to see if this relationship is worth holding onto. Why not list what you want.. then you have something to compare "what you have" with "what you want"..
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Old 06-19-2011, 04:21 PM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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At least he's up front about it. He wants what he wants the way he wants it. Is it compatible with what YOU want? You are both separate people and have to make your own choices as to what you do and do not want out of a relationship.
That's just it. At first, I assumed that I would be OK with the mono/poly thing (being a new poly convert), and I was happy just dating other men and having no physical contact with them at all.

However, I recently had lunch with a FWB that I have known for years. We never really took it past that stage because I was so "monogamous minded". We simply kept our encounters to a simple hook up every few months with a dinner and movie here and there.

Now that my views have changed and I am truly OK with the poly thing, I have considered maybe trying to revisit the relationship aspect, but I am sure that doing so would end or significantly change my current relationship, and I don't want that. Is that selfish?

I mean... my guy CLEARLY has two women in his life that know about each other and we are coping with it, but it sounds like he would have some issues if the tables were turned which kinda sucks....

(evil thought: I wonder what he would have done if he would have walked in on a guy pounding me like crazy and me screaming my head off in ecstasy... maybe he would have had a meltdown of his own...)

I guess I am still a little fuzzy on the rules. I haven't made any decisions yet, but I would be lying to myself if I didn't admit having this other guy in my life would be nice (especially since my MAIN guy's OSO lives in the same city as he does. If he can have a local lover, why can't I???) Something tells me those trips to see him would miraculously disappear if I brought up this option. What should I do???
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Old 06-19-2011, 04:39 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Now that my views have changed and I am truly OK with the poly thing, I have considered maybe trying to revisit the relationship aspect, but I am sure that doing so would end or significantly change my current relationship, and I don't want that. Is that selfish?
Of course it's selfish; but in a good way. You have to put your own needs first. Then you can worry about your partners' needs. The danger is when you neglect yourself because you think you're "putting the relationship first".

"Selfish" is not the dirty word that society makes it out to be.
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Old 06-19-2011, 07:41 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Well a good way to test this theory is to set up a couple of dates with somebody else, the sooner the better - even just coffee with somebody. If you are interested in being able to see other people of course, which it seems like you do want the freedom to.
Either he will be OK with it or he won't, but it might be better to know sooner than later.
I'd just be assertive but kind about it, and don't feel you need to make excuses or apologies for trying to get your own needs met.
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  #7  
Old 06-19-2011, 10:20 PM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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[QUOTE=Anneintherain;87465]Well a good way to test this theory is to set up a couple of dates with somebody else, the sooner the better - even just coffee with somebody. If you are interested in being able to see other people of course, which it seems like you do want the freedom to.
Either he will be OK with it or he won't, but it might be better to know sooner than later.
I'd just be assertive but kind about it, and don't feel you need to make excuses or apologies for trying to get your own needs met.[/QUOTE

You know what? I've been going out with other guys the whole time I have been seeing this guy, but he wants a DADT scenario when it comes to me, but wants me tohang out and have sex with his OSO...

OK... I am starting to see a pattern here... I think I just answered my own question
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Old 06-20-2011, 09:18 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
I guess I am still a little fuzzy on the rules. I haven't made any decisions yet, but I would be lying to myself if I didn't admit having this other guy in my life would be nice (especially since my MAIN guy's OSO lives in the same city as he does. If he can have a local lover, why can't I???) Something tells me those trips to see him would miraculously disappear if I brought up this option. What should I do???
His one penis policy (OPP) doesn't have to be yours, but you also don't have to have an attitude about it either (not saying you do, just saying), really you can just say how great that he knows what he wants, but you aren't interested in fulfilling this for him. He should have the time to process that before its automatically assumed that its over. After all, that is what boundary negotiation is all about isn't it? Negotiating situations that come up?

If he is absolutely insistent and puts his foot down about it without any consideration for you, then what's the point on staying? If he is willing to express where he is at and continues to be open to the possibility of you expanding the love in your life with time and baby step compromises, then why not? I see that as fair, if that is what you decide. Sometimes its worth calling people on stuff and then being patient in letting it unfold.

You might have to separate yourself a bit for awhile to allow him to process though, at least emotionally. It sounds like he might have a hard time with your insistence on being the independent woman you are and should be.
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  #9  
Old 06-21-2011, 12:35 PM
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RfromRMC RfromRMC is offline
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I think I'm gonna be a tad less diplomatic than other posters in this thread and just be honest and blunt about it: A double-standard is just another way of saying hypocrisy.
And nothing pisses me off more in life than hypocrites.
If it were me, I'd simply say "either we're both poly or we're not...make up your mind".
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Sure...some people choose poly-mono relationships...but it's usually with the understanding that it's the mono choosing to remain mono and accept sharing his/her partner with another. But for the poly to tell the mono that he/she can't be poly too is just sickening to me.
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  #10  
Old 06-21-2011, 06:58 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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But for the poly to tell the mono that he/she can't be poly too is just sickening to me.
I'm pretty sure she's allowed to be with other women. /sarcasm
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