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  #41  
Old 07-17-2011, 04:01 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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First of all, I know it must be really hard for you to deal with this from so far away. Secondly, I'd say that the first thing you should do when you get home is sit her down and tell her that regardless of where her relationship with the ex boyfriend/ FWB goes, the lying has to end. Fairly early on in my relationship with Runic Wolf, I'd find myself getting caught in white lies or lies by omission that I hadn't even realized I was giving. It hurt him immensely; he was on the verge of leaving me a couple of times and I didn't know he was thinking about it until he confronted me and then I didn't understand why he thought I wasn't being honest with him, because I thought I was. So, why did I "lie"? Why did I leave things out? Honestly, I don't know all of the reasons but here are a few: I didn't want to hurt him; I wanted a little privacy in my relationship (being an exhibitionist by nature, this was hard for me to understand and especially hard for me to express) and here he was wanting to know every detail; we had different definitions of fooling around, sex, etc., and finally I would come home from taking Wendigo home and have a conversation with Runic Wolf and he'd respond and the next day he'd accuse me of not telling him something.... it literally took me 9 months to realize he wasn't really awake during our talks. (I will blame the NRE for that one)

You not being there makes it easy for her to separate the relationships and depending on your usual pattern of communication while you are gone, she may not even realize that she's doing anything that could hurt you. Maybe military families have relationships outside their marriage (we did for years) but the depth and scope of those relationships vary. Maybe her timing sucked; maybe you need to be able to sit down and have this conversation face to face in order for her to see your pain. Either way, I wish you all the best.

And thank you for your service. My brother recently returned to Misawa, Japan from Iraq and will be coming back stateside in a couple weeks.
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  #42  
Old 07-17-2011, 05:26 PM
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Catalyst Catalyst is offline
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I agree with Brigid about the face to face sit down, as well as setting up the honesty rule; sometimes people really don't realize what they are withholding/expressing when communicating in a long distance scenario, or even when communicating with their SO face to face. However, with face to face communication, non verbal cues can be easier to read, and though emotions will likely be high, getting all of the concerns out in the open should help you both figure this out in the long run.

Though I am not in your shoes, I know that I would be feeling a sense of loss and discombobulation in this situation - after all, your whole world as you knew it several months ago has literally been tossed into a snow globe and given a good shake, and on a regular basis. However, you have managed to keep such a level head throughout this while being on the other side of the planet - if you can keep a level head when you get back, and engage mama in some good communication that you feel in your gut (your heart) is honest and open, then you may feel a little differently about the potential outcome of the relationship (both yours and the external one).

Hold on for a few more days - we are here for you, and soon you will be able to work this out in person rather than over skype and the internet.

>^^<
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  #43  
Old 07-17-2011, 06:44 PM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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thanks guys, this is by far the hardest deployment I've done in my career. I had a horrible time trying to sleep today. I have to go to work where I'll respond a little better but real quick.....I sent mama an email this morning. it wasn't hate filled and scathing like the last one. I just merely stated my concerns that it was too soon for them to be together because there is no way there feelings have gone away in such a short amount of time. since I couln't sleep, I jumped on FB and talked to her for a few minutes. her response was "I worry too much". before I left on deployment "I worry too much" while she was secretly planning to leave me "I worry too much"
thats all I ever get when I voice a concern. I worry too much, I'm driving her crazy, we've talked about this. I'm pretty sure I don't worry too much.
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  #44  
Old 07-17-2011, 09:09 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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I get the "I worry too much" also. It did take therapy for both of us to come to a point where we could approach "my worries" in different ways. While you may indeed worry TOO much, she hasn't really given you a reason NOT to worry at this point. You may need to tell her that her statement "you worry too much" is very dismissive of a real fear/concern. In my relationship, it helps if I can tell my husband what would have been a better response, usually something that would actually re-assure me that things will be ok, instead of a statement that makes me feel like I've been blown off.

I also have to remind my husband that I am still plauged with the fear that I will be lied to again. When he "forgets" to tell me something, it hits me full force as if he had outright lied to me intentionally. This is hard for him to hear, but it does help him understand and makes him more conscience of keeping me informed and therefore I can start to re-build my trust in him again.
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  #45  
Old 07-17-2011, 10:07 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Transit, I completely get where you're coming from. And i agree with Brigid's daughter... you really do at some point soon need to sit her down and explain exactly what you said here... that when she says "you worry too much" she is ignoring your feelings, that she's said that to you before multiple times-- right before she's lied to you, and that now when you hear those words you equate it with lies and hidden agendas. That because of the dishonesty, it will take time to trust her again. That's called facing the consequences of your actions. That's being an adult. Would she accept that type of behavior from the kids?

I had to do the same thing with hubs a while back. I had to explain why when he said certain things it set me into flashbacks of all of the bad stuff that's happened. Mostly I told him so he'd stop telling me certain things in a certain way, and so he'd know WHY it made me so upset. When I explained it, he finally got it... he'd just never put together the whole picture before.
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  #46  
Old 07-17-2011, 10:40 PM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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ok, now that I'm at work and I've eaten my dinner....lte see what I can get off my chest. I'm gonna call the ex/FWB B from now on

SN - I think I was looking for something to say to her without sounding like I'm accusing her of doing something wrong. you just gave it to me, thanks. I don't know for sure that she did anything wrong but I don't think she would tell me if she did. I do plan on bringing up therapy when I get home. if she doesn't want to go, I'll go alone.

Cat - we have talked about honesty over and over again. there are still details that seem to be left out. I can read non verbal cues on skype so I normally know when something isn't right. a snow globe would be nice, I feel more like I'm in a blender. I'm doing my best to keep a level head.

BD - like I said, she says she is worried I'll be ashamed, it worked the first few times. I don't buy it anymore. privacy, I'm fine with privacy, when it doesn't have the power to destroy my marriage. I don't press too hard but I like to know whats going on. we are going to have a sit down face to face talk when I get home to hash through all of this.

I spent 3 months in Misawa in 05. it's nice this time of year.then I went south to Okinawa for 3 months after that. hopefully I'll be leaving Iraq in 9 days.

I just feel like she keeps stepping into the same pitfalls over and over again but she doesn't want to listen to me. B is off tuesdays and saturdays. she had a babysitter saturday for a few hours and she wound up seeing him. how convenient is it that she has a babysitter again on tuesday so she can go to another zumba class? next saturday is ok because she is going to a graduation party (the whole reason she is in NY anyway) and then she leaves to go back home on monday or tuesday. I'm trying to keep my head up and think positive but I keep thinking the worst. thanks for the support, please keep it coming.
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  #47  
Old 07-17-2011, 10:49 PM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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Minxxa, you snuck in while I was typing. you seem to always know whats in my head, maybe it's because you are the military wife. she is going to have to put "you worry too much" on the shelf right next to "it's all good" because thats what she used to say. we would have a long conversation and everything was "all good" until I asked her, what if its not all good? she didn't really have an answer.

we are going to spend the 1st day or 2 after I get back as a family, then the kids are going to a babysitter overnight. it's supposed to be for a sex marathon but I think the prestart ceremonies will have to be our talk.
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  #48  
Old 07-18-2011, 06:03 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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LOL... well, I've been a military wife one way or another for over 20 years. My ex was navy and so is my current hubs... don't ask me how that happened. But I've see a lot for sure. Military life and separation has it's own issues... trying to get back together after months apart is always going to be an issue.. and the distance just exacerbates problems.

At this age in my life.. i just feel that there needs to be honesty. Sometimes it's painful.. but frankly it all comes out in the end eventually. So either we deal with it or it ends the relationship... I haven't seen much inbetween.

I think that if you are honest with your thoughts and responses, you have done your due diligence. Some people can handle that, some can't. But in the long run, if you live and love honestly... that's all you can do.

I know the first few days back can be a bit raucous... LOL.. so enjoy them too. Don't let it all be about talking... get some connection in there as well. I wish you all the luck and love in the world...
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  #49  
Old 07-18-2011, 10:37 AM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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being so far away definitely doesn't help. distance is supposed to make the heart grow fonder, not the other way around.

I'm ready for the first few days....I've been studying up on my porn for new ideas lmao
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  #50  
Old 07-18-2011, 01:24 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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The distance just sucks and that's just my opinion.

Hubs did two back to back deployments, 6 months, home 11 months, gone 6-1/2 months, home 8 and then they sent him on an IA for 7 months, which is where he is now. There was no time in there for bonding, and we were having our own issues in the middle of that as well. :-/

My opinion is that poly is REALLY hard to navigate in the beginning if you're doing it all from a distance. You don't get that chance to love and touch and reassure each other during the process... you don't get to rebond after they've been gone. You miss a lot of the steps that make poly do-able. I think once you've established things it can work during deployments, but definitely it's a tough sell getting started that way.

Definitely enjoy your time back (I'm sure that you will!!).
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