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  #31  
Old 07-11-2011, 03:23 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Physical touch is definitely important. I know that for me, though the words and skype and all of that helps, there is always something missing when hubs is gone.

You'll be home soon, and you guys can reconnect and figure out what's up from there. Perhaps after you've been home a little bit, you two can plan a time to really debrief about this experience, what you think, what you've both learned, what has changed... someplace relaxing, just the two of you.

I know that sometimes it feels to me like things change daily... something comes up and people's views swing so fast. It's good to get a sit-rep every once in a while.
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  #32  
Old 07-12-2011, 04:49 AM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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debrief should be easy. she has said that she will hold all contact with him for a week or 2 once I get home. that way we can focus completely on each other, reflect, reconnect and refigure our guidelines to keep our marriage safer in any future endeavours.
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  #33  
Old 07-12-2011, 09:00 PM
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Catalyst Catalyst is offline
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I have been on OKC recently myself, and see a lot of interesting scenarios in the messages that I receive. While my current BF and I are exploring all of this, he and I keep nothing from each other - I always joke with him that I could never cheat because I blurt everything to him; I can't keep secrets very well, if at all. But the people who message me, claiming to be "poly" or "honest with their spouses" are really anything but when it comes right down to it. I hear the sob stories of "my GF or wife just doesn't understand me anymore", or "the fire has died and we thought this would be a good way to bring back the fun".

I think a lot of people think that "becoming" poly might be some sort of spark to fix marital problems that simply need to be talked about. And talking can just really be hard for some people. I love to talk. But my BF hates to talk - I mean really despises it (unless it is about sports, of course). So we butt heads all the time about communicating and sharing emotions and trying to express to each other problems or needs or desires. We have very different communication styles - I express everything and he bottles up. And we end up arguing (well, when my parents did it they called it discussing ) and I chase him around the house trying to get him to open up because I don't back down until he at least says something.

Poly is definitely not a panacea for anything. Communication is very important. Having you gone for long periods of time is creating opportunities for both of you to learn new ways to communicate with each other and relearn how and why you fell in love in the beginning of the relationship. My BF works 2 hours away during the week, and only comes home on the weekends - not a great comparison - but I can kind of understand that she feels somewhat frustrated and lonely and enjoys the attention she gets from someone else, maybe not quite realizing that you still feel that way about her too.

Your ideas about taking some time together without the pressure of her new BF and possibly digging into some counseling are very good ones - I wish you both the best as it sounds like you are a truly supportive and caring husband, even half a world away.

>^^<

p.s. I tend to be blunt, and if I offend in any way it is completely unintentional.
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  #34  
Old 07-13-2011, 09:38 AM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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I don't see anything offensive in anything that you wrote.

personally, I never thought we had marital problems. obviously everyone does, but I never saw anything. I still like to think it was the 7 year itch. they knew each other in high school, he said the right kind words, and all of a sudden it was exciting. maybe I'm wrong. I'm not sure.

new news that really doesn't sit well with me.

they aren't "together" anymore but she says she still wants to be friends and possibly pursue a FWB relationship with him. not that big of a deal. my issue is, they did a lot of sexting before. lots of pictures. once it was decided that they weren't together anymore, she stopped sending him pictures. I agreed. last night she says he is mad at her becasue she won't send any. threatened to walk away. I told her that if he really wanted to be her friend, he wasn't going to walk away and he wouldn't threaten too either. I'm not really sure how I should approach this. last week they were saying they loved each other. this week they're just friends. I think I'm worried that if they start sexting again, they will fall into the pattern they were in before. it almost destroyed our marriage once, I don't want that to happen again.

cat, if you don't mind me asking, where are you in NoVa? my parents live in Dale City and I normally drive up there once a month to see them.
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  #35  
Old 07-13-2011, 09:54 AM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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oh, I forgot to mention that he also asked her why it mattered because they had already been together and they were going to be together again.

he then tried to use the one friend of ours that knows about this against her.

I don't like him trying to pressure her into this. I really feel like I need to put a stop to it.

any inputs would be great before I wind up doing something high and right.
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  #36  
Old 07-13-2011, 01:28 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I'm sure others will have better practical advice but that won't stop me from trying.

I think often the partner who is not in NRE can see red flags a little more clearly. I also think that it can be difficult to express those red flags to the partner and have them listen-- both because they are caught up in NRE AND because it can get jumbled into the "you're jealous and are trying to see bad things" pile. So I do think it's important for the non-NRE partner to really take a good look and see if they're really seeing red flags or just don't like the person (I'm assuming you've already done this, just throwing this out there), and it's important to find a way to express those things to your partner and have them heard.

I think sometimes this is one of those discussions you have to have again once the NRE is gone to clear the road for open discussion of red flags in the future. I'm finding boundaries are much easier to set when one person isn't in the midst of infatuation.

That said, I do think you express some definite concerns. If he is pressuring and doing "non-friendlike" things, that is definitely something she needs to address. But I think SHE is the one that needs to do it. And if she doesn't think she does... why is that? If a good girlfriend was treating her this way would she think it was OK? If not... then her judgment might be a little off when it comes to this person.

I'm finding myself that I'm having to express some concerns and then back away and let my husband handle things. It may not be the way I would, but he's got to figure things out for himself. It's hard, because I feel protective of him.
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  #37  
Old 07-13-2011, 02:49 PM
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Catalyst Catalyst is offline
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Minxxa, you have some very good advice to offer, and I agree with you - even as one more in the position of mama.

It is so hard to see clearly when wearing the rose colored glasses - whether of denial, new love, new infatuation, new lust, new friendship - and getting attention from another man when one has been in a LTR is fresh and exhilarating. I feel like my femininity is reinforced - another man finds me attractive? Yay! I still have "it", whetever the elusive "it" is that women subconciously lose or miss as love in a LTR morphs and changes from the fireworks it was in the beginning.

Transit, I can also see how the seven year itch would come into play - I have been with BF for 8 years now, and though I approached poly with him several years ago (when I finally discovered the term and figured out that what I was feeling was actually a valid and somewhat common occurence), I have felt more of an urge to proceed with it and try to engage him in communication about it this year. I don't remember who it was on the boards who has said "you proceed at the pace of the slowest partner" (maybe Red Pepper or NYCIndie), but that is the hardest part for me. Once I figured out the terminology, I took off with research at a full on sprint, and have not let up since. Then I step back and see how much he still has to absorb, and how much I have thrown at him, and how much he must love me for him to be accepting of all of this within the last few months - and it is amazing how much it has reinforced our love for each other and reopened paths of communication that I though I would never get from him. (Love really is infinite)

I have never tried to look up an old lover/BF, so I am not exactly in mama's shoes, but I have one in mind, and I can imagine how it would feel to reconnect - the NRE, the giddiness, the sexting, the pics. (He was an MP, so I have very good memories of him, as a matter of fact. Yum . . . but I digress.) I also know myself well enough, though, to see that if he took a position of manipulation in order to create something that wasn't already there, or to keep something going that couldn't, I would not stand for it. Manipulation, in my book, usually indicates ulterior motives, and ulterior motives are not good for any of the parties involved.

That being said, and with Minxxa's advice, you may not be able to help mama see any of this - she may simply have to get burned and walk away from this situation that much wiser:

Quote:
If he is pressuring and doing "non-friendlike" things, that is definitely something she needs to address. But I think SHE is the one that needs to do it.
It sounds like she is communicating her perceived unhappiness (in her relationship with you) with him rather than with you. Taking him out of the picture would certainly help, but she still may withhold information from you because she may not know how to say it to you, or even exactly what her unhappiness is. She then feels the NRE with BF, and it almost highlights and exaggerates the perceived unhappiness in the marriage, and she may see this unhappiness as insurmountable, thus leading to her comments to BF about leaving you though she had never brought this up to you.

I think she is seeing this renewed relationship with her BF through the rose colored glasses, and is not seeing anything negative in his behaviors of the last day or so - just as Minxxa pointed out:

Quote:
I think often the partner who is not in NRE can see red flags a little more clearly. I also think that it can be difficult to express those red flags to the partner and have them listen-- both because they are caught up in NRE AND because it can get jumbled into the "you're jealous and are trying to see bad things" pile.
I hope that you two still plan to have some alone time upon your return? There is some definite hashing out that needs to take place, and some communication doors that need to be opened or perhaps knocked down. I don't know if there is an easy approach to it, as some of what she said was heard from the BF and not from her lips to your ears. Personally, I would have tissue handy, and the kids out of the house, as there may be some crying and other emotions running rampant. Hashing out issues that happened while one partner was away for an extended period cannot possibly be simple - I can only imagine, and wish you lots of luck.

(I was a psychology major and communications minor for three years before changing to accounting and finance - so I tend to overanalyze a lot. Please let me know if I am being a buttinski.)

>^^<
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  #38  
Old 07-14-2011, 01:45 AM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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I'm pretty sure the NRE isn't the problem. I think it faded and that's what caused the break up in the first place. she knows exactly what he is doing but just wants to look past it because she doesn't want to lose him as a friend. she has even told both me and him that we shouldn't talk for a few days because she doesn't want us to argue.

I think my biggest concern is what I like to call the campfire effect. it burns hot and tall. once it dies down it's still dangerous because the embers and heat are still there. if it's not treated carefully, it can reflash and start burning all over again. the only way to completely eliminate the risk of a new fire is by dousing it with water. if they start right back up into the same old routine, there's the chance of a new fire.

I'm not ready for a new fire yet. the embers from fire that almost burned our marriage are still there, and I'm still not even home yet.

thanks for the inputs. I'm biding my time right now.
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  #39  
Old 07-16-2011, 08:20 PM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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today has been an ok day for me. mama is back in NY again. I know she says she isn't going to do anything with the ex BF/ new FWB but I'm not entirely sure I trust her. I feel horrible for saying that but she has gone behind my back with him more than once and it's something that still bothers me and probably will for some time. I'm not letting on to her how I feel because I want her to have a good time.

I got to skype with her for a few minutes today but we had a sandstorm rolling through so my connection was real shitty. I'm supposed to call her later, maybe I'll feel better then.

I should be catching a plane out f here in 10 days or so hopefully
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  #40  
Old 07-17-2011, 11:01 AM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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well, I talked to mama on the phone last night. I don't feel any better. she had a friend babysit the kids so she could go to a local zumba class. I'm fine with that. then she told me she went to BF's brothers house (who knows about them) without the kids and BF was there. she didn't say if anything happened, but that doesn't mean nothing happened. she has had a bad habit of lying to me about things involving him. she uses the excuse that I'll be ashamed, but I don't buy it.

why do I feel like the fire is going to be reignited while she is there? I'm not sure I can handle this again!!!
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