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  #11  
Old 06-25-2011, 04:07 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Breathe. Feel what you feel - denying it or pushing it down won't help. Feel free to write it here or elsewhere - wherever is safe for you. And keep telling yourself that your wife loves you, and you are unique in her life. You will get through today and Sunday and find that you, and she, are just fine.
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  #12  
Old 06-25-2011, 06:03 PM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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I just woke up a little bit ago. didn't sleep well but I never do. I'm ok so far. she sent me an email which is always comforting. she said she was going to send me another email later but since I'll be at work, I think I'll just stay off of the computer until I get back to my room. I don't think this would be so hard if I wasn't halfway around the world right now.
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  #13  
Old 06-25-2011, 08:13 PM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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update. I'm not freaking out but I am on edge. she was hanging out at her BF's brothers house last night (he doesn't know) when she was leaving to go back to where she is staying, I got some very vague emails from her. I knew what she was doing but I don't think she wanted to tell me. after some gentle pushing, she told me that she had sex with him last night in the back of his SUV in a parking lot. I was prepared for tonight, this was an unexpected bomb.

ever since it started, she has tried to hide things from me because she thinks I'll be disappointed. I have reassured her over and over that I would much rather have the truth than have her lie to me and I find out later.

I'm breathing, I'm breathing. I really wish I wasn't at work. I really wish I wan't halfway around the world.
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  #14  
Old 06-26-2011, 03:14 AM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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well, she went out with some friends but was supposed to leave them at 8 to meet up with the BF at a hotel. she never sent me an email saying she was on her way so I assume that they are together right now. I guess ignorance is bliss. I can't freak out about them doing anything since I don't know. originally I was hoping that she would go to the hotel and second guess herself because of the whole no tell motel connotations and wait until I got home before they did anything. I guess after having sex in the back of an SUV, the hotel room is much more comforting. I still hope to get an email from her tonight. if I don't, we have a skype date around 1 tomorrow afternoon when I wake up.
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  #15  
Old 06-26-2011, 09:52 AM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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why is anger always followed by guilt??
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  #16  
Old 06-26-2011, 07:12 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I can relate to this on so many ways. First, the "if only we weren't thousands of miles apart" part... and then the whole difficulty with communicating the whole unvarnished truth part.

I've had to tell myself, this is the way it is for now, so I need to find a way to get okay with it. This doesn't mean pretending not to be in pain sometimes. After all... thousands of miles away, you miss each other, you don't get that physical connection... it's hard enough without adding other stuff into the mix. I'm finding that sometimes I just need to feel the pain. This doesn't mean vomit it all over my hubs, but trying to hide my feelings from him doesn't work either. It's similar to her not wanting to tell you things because she feels you'd be hurt.. .but by keeping them from you she isn't giving you the chance to deal with the issues and learn what you need to learn and grow how you need to grow. Growth and change is not easy, and you can't sugarcoat it. Also, by not telling you what's going on, until sometimes later, she's creating a situation where you don't fully trust in what she's telling you. THAT you most definitely need to express to her, because that kind of second-guessing the other person is never a good addition to the relationship. Yes, by telling you she might have to deal with you being in pain about it. She needs to understand that she can't avoid your pain, and you can't grow through and maybe out of your pain without these steps.

I think sometimes my hubs wished it would just be "easy peasy", and he could do what he wanted and I'd dance around merrily, singing a happy tune. (Sorry, a little too much Disney this weekend!). Point being, you have to go through the process-- and so does she. By being forthright with you, and letting you feel your feelings, you both will eventually grow enough so that you know that sometimes it will hurt but you will get through it and she loves you. And she will get to the point where she knows sometimes things she does will cause you some emotional moments but that you will get through them, and process it and come out better on the other side.

I think sometimes we get caught up in the details. He/She did x with the other person Y times and in Z positions. It's easy to let yourself get caught up in that and work yourself up. I'm finding that it's the big picture sometimes... he/she loves me. We are together. By her doing (whatever) with someone isn't going to change that. And that is what you two are building... the knowledge that someone else in your life won't negate your love. In fact, sometimes it will build it up further.
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  #17  
Old 06-26-2011, 08:37 PM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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thanks minxxa. I wish you had written this at 3 in the morning instead of 3 in the afternoon though. I might not have sent her such a nasty email. I'll elaborate lol.

I said in another post about how early on, I was thinking 3 somes and casual sex. I would take pictures of her and send them to her BF. it was hot, it always turned me on, then we would have sex after.

I had been preparing myself for saturday. I knew he was off on saturdays and they were gonna get a hotel room. I asked her to have him take some pictures of her and send them to me. they both agreed and thought it was a great idea.

she went out with her friends and wound up leaving at 11:30 instead of 8 because she had been drinking. she said she danced for 3 hours straight. so when she finally got to the hotel room, she was tired from dancing, tired from drinking and then they had sex and fell asleep. they sent me 2 pictures, not even good pictures, almost like they really didn't care. I lost it. when I say I lost it, I mean I was enraged. I went to the gym first to try and cool down I was so mad. ever gone to the gym with unbridled rage?? my sets were easy lol. when I got back to the room, I unloaded. absolutely vomited the nastiest email I could send. then I felt guilty. hence the post above.

amazingly, she wasnt mad. she was hurt, she was upset but she wasn't mad. I slept horrible. I wound up waking up early enough that we skyped for 2 hours. we couldn't really talk because she is still at her friends house who doesn't know. what we couldn't say out loud we typed. it was one of the best talks we had in a while. she told me what happened. I felt like such an ass. I apologised and we talked some more. I understand what happened with her and she understands what happened with me. growing pains. now we know what kind of things we need to do in the future to ease each others minds.....hopefully lol
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  #18  
Old 06-26-2011, 09:20 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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It seems to me that your rage was mostly about you wanting to set the rules, which weren't followed according to how you thought they should. Or something else - it could've been the straw that broke the camel's back of unexpressed anger. I mean, to be in a rage over blurry or bad pics that were taken by tired people would seem quite an over-reaction, so I would say that reason was really just a "cover" for something underneath it all.

We all want some sense of control over what's happening in our lives, forgetting that that is an illusion. Especially when we deeply care about someone, it is very difficult to give up the reins. So, I think this was a good experience for you because now you have been given a clue about what to watch for in yourself - a need to control and hold on tightly or of not owning up to what's really going on in yourself. My guess is that these things show up in other areas of your life, not just relationships.

I am very glad that the two of you communicated about it and it did not fester and become a stumbling block for you. Sometimes we have to own up to our own ugliness in order to see the beauty we have in our lives. Good work!
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-26-2011 at 10:36 PM.
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  #19  
Old 06-26-2011, 10:19 PM
PeterG PeterG is offline
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Bro:

You really have my admiration, and sympathy. I'm new to this too, and it's one thing to find out your wife was sexually intimate with another man, it is something else entirely to know it is happening in advance, and then while it is happening. I've spent my whole life hearing "men just don't understand" this or that, and most often I agree. But this experience, at least at first, feels like the testerone in you is backing up, tightening your chest, then choking you. That pain, when it turns to rage, is what causes so many murders when a man unknowingly walks in on his woman with another man

I know, I know, after more experience, this is supposed to get easier, and it has for me. I also know that I hope to reach the point where I can feel compersion -- joy and love for my wife for the joy and love she received from her secondary. But at the beginning of this transformation in a relationship - ouch.

This is tough. And if I wasn't here with my wife, receiving her reassurance after her dates, I don't know how, or if, I could handle it.

Be strong. It gets better, I think. It can't get worse. And either way it's better than cheating.
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  #20  
Old 06-26-2011, 11:50 PM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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cindie

I can see your point about control and rules. I'm gonna guess that plays a part in it, definitely no "cover" I can think of. I think another part of it come from her NRE. even at home, there have been times where she gets so focused on texting with him that the rest of the world becomes oblivious. another thing is, although she grew up in the area, upstate NY is very rural. I worry about her driving those dark roads at night and she knows it, especially when she has had a couple of drinks. I was hoping that she would let me know when she was on her way to see him. I didn't expect any emails from her after she got there but one saying she was on her way would have been nice. I would have known that she didn't see him until midnight and not 8 like she originally planned. thats a 4 hour difference. they weren't going on a date, they were going to the hotel for sex which is fine. she sent me the pics at 2am. if she had attached a note to one of the pictures saying she was tired and will send more in the morning I would have been ok. I just like her to keep me in the loop. in any case, it's definitely a step in the right direction. I told her I would do my best to not fly off the handle like that again.

Peter

testosterone is powerful to say the least. match that up with my fathers temper and it's like dynamite. I have spent my whole life trying to not be my father and there he was, just this morning. slowly but surely, it is getting easier. at first I didn't understand how she could love me and another man. I'm getting it now. the lessons are rough but I'm getting there. if I had been home, I know she would have texted me that she was out with her friends later so I wouldn't worry.

she told me today that he paid for the hotel room. I told her that was good, I paid for the plane ticket and rental car. I also told her that after I get home, if he drives down for a long weekend, I'll pay for his hotel room and she can spend some time with him there. she was very happy about that. in no way has any of this been easy for me but the hardest part is over I think. they finally had sex and got it out of the way. they've been talking about it for months. I'll be home again in a month. then we can continue the journey into our new life.
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