Just about me
As I sit here today really looking at my life and the shambles it has become, I realize that it will never be what it was. When I got into this life style and decided I would be ok with my husband loving someone else, he was in love with a chick who I knew would never be loved as much as I was by my husband. I know how selfish that sounds now. He kept saying how much he loved her and how he just felt so bad for her. He was in love. This was the first time he told me this. Before it was ďI am having strong feelings for this person and it isnít right. Iím married and shouldnít feel like this.Ē We went through this a few times before he fell in love the first time. The first love didnít last long as she was crazy and demanded all of his time. She had to be talking to him all of the time. She would freak out if she wasnít with him which was almost always because of her location. I was getting ignored by my husband and it hurt. I got used to it. I dealt with my feelings for him and the ones I had been ignoring for awhile now. I was in love with our friend M. After dealing with the new love and the 100% total time consumption of my husbandís relationship with her, I told him how I felt about our friend. I had to leave the next weekend on a trip. It didnít take long for him to dump her after I told him how I felt about M. This probably wasnít the reason at all just felt that way at the time. We didnít talk about M anymore until he decided he was in love with someone he had been talking to for months before he fell in love the last time. After he decided it was time he allowed me to tell M how I felt. That is when his newest relationship started to take off. I guess my problem was the fact that I was so confident in our relationship that I never considered that he could have the same love, trust, compassion and faith in someone else. When he and his newest love started to connect in a way we never really did it was so much harder than I ever imagined. I started acting irrational. I did a couple of things I never thought I would. I broke my husbandís trust in me by reading a line in one of his messages to her. I never would have done that before. I feel stupid and scared. It is hard because Iím sure if he would have met her first he wouldnít have given me a second glance. He says he loves me just as much as he does her and that I am just twisting things around. This whole situation is making me crazy and I donít think I can handle it. I canít talk to him about it and I canít talk to her. I donít want to talk to J about it because I donít think that talking about my negative feelings about my husband to my OSO is a healthy thing to do. I think it would build a bad relationship between him and my husband. I wouldnít want my husband to talk bad to me to his OSO because it would give a sense that she is more important than me because I drive him nuts. It would make me feel like a total piece of shit if he was talking shit about me behind my back to her so I wouldnít do it to him. That would be a bigger break of trust than me reading my husbandís message in my opinion. I would feel like a horrible person talking bad about my husband to my boyfriend. What kind of person would do that? So I have one person I can talk to for 45 min every two weeks that I know no one can hear or see what I say. I try to talk on here but then I know they read them now. I thought the both said they would stop reading it but I must have twisted something else they said because they still do. I know my husband and his OSO belong together they are sooo alike that is it scary. I just donít know if I am cut out for this. I want to be. I want to be able to be ok with it. I know it is possible to love 2 people whole heartedly. I love M like I never knew was possible. Not more than my husband but different. I have a connection with M that I have never had before. So I know it is possible and I donít know why I am having such a hard time with all of this. I know she wouldnít be able to live with us and I think that is what is rocking my world. The thought that one day they are going to have kids and he will have to have his kids in separate houses and split his time between the two places is killing me. I never wanted it to wind up like that. I never wanted my husband to not live with me. I try to say I am ok with it in hopes that one day I will be but I donít know. How do you live apart from the one man that you loved enough to give your life, body and soul too? How do you handle not having your husband live with you and your kids all of the time? I want them to be happy so I donít know why I get so crazy about all of this. Why am I so irrational and feel like I am sabotaging everything when I donít mean to? It is so hard because as much as my husband loves me I know that she has the control to make my marriage happy or tear it apart. She scares me because she has so much power over my life that I never would have imagined possible. I understood trying to keep 2 men happy. I know it is not my responsibility to keep anyone but myself happy but if I donít will they decide it isnít worth dealing with me and just leave? He says I would have to make him leave in order for him to leave but like he said lots of things can change over time.