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Old 06-11-2011, 06:21 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Default Mono vs poly. Natural attraction or something more?

Hi all. Never thought I'd be making a post on here again, but here I am. I am poly, but no longer living the lifestyle. My fiance left me and my boyfriend and I agreed to be mono. There are 2 main reasons for this. 1) What we have is amazing and it fufills both our needs. 2) Our attempt at poly was emotionally exhausting and scarring. It's just not worth it for us.

That being said we are still quite open in our discussions of attraction to others. (something that was a major no no in all other mono relationships I have experienced. A recent talk that we had brought me to the realization that I have started to sink into a mono mindset more so than he has which is strange because he has always been mono and is happy staying that way. What I mean is I have had a handful of attractions to people. He on the otherhand it seems to have attractions to ALOT of females around us.

Witnessing his interactions and flirtations are having a positive and negative effect on me as is dicussing them. I find myself feeling safe and proud that we are able to be open with eachother about this. I also feel turned on by it. BUT, I also have feelings of "He's MINE!" I don't act upon them. I don't get mad at him, but they are there. I feel like a poly girl with a secret monogamonster trapped inside.

There is a particular neighbor that gives off the vibe of no respect for our relationship. (ie she would have no problems being with a cheater) This scares me. I trust him. I am happy and he is happy. Why do I feel threatened? I feel as though since we agreed to be mono I def have some territorial tendencies that are trying to break free. He thinks it's cute because he says I deal with them well and I don't control. Nothing in our life changes because of them except for the fact that I am really starting to hate these urges coming out of me. It's a miserable feeling when I'm hearing about him watching 2 of our girlfriends wrestling at the pool after he massaged me to sleep because it's such a turn on and I'm happy for him as well, but there is a growl that is wanting to roll up from my gut and out of my mouth at the same timw. I find myself wanting to offer him someone else to feel better.

That sounds odd even to me, but in my head his attractions wouldn't seem AS threatening if we were open again. Because as Mono it's me and someone else means the end of that. As poly it means a possibility of more than one. (ie I still am in the picture.) He still says he is mono regardless of attractions/ crushes because he has no desire to pursue anything. He wants me and only me.

My original question I had was do mono people have attractions and crushes on others while in a relationship. Which I would still like an answer to, but as I sit here typing this long winded post I see there is much more to this for me. This partially stinks of emotional scars from my ex being mono to the point that he said if he ever even got turned on by another it meant he didn't love me anymore and we would be over... And for once in his life he stuck to his word.
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Old 06-11-2011, 06:34 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Hmm.. Maybe I should have posted in the jealousy thread.
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Old 06-11-2011, 07:44 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Of course mono people get attracted to others. There are so many attractive people out there! (And so many cheaters...) You're trying to be mono now, but with an open policy on openly looking and flirting. Whether you 2 can use those outside attractions to just fuel your fire for each other, or change your minds somewhere down the road and decide to open the relationship, you'll figure it out! It's between the 2 of you.

I'd be sketched out by that woman you say seems to want your partner to cheat on you with her... but if you trust your bf, and you 2 keep lines of communication open, again, you'll figure it out. It's a new relationship, it can take a good year to even get out of NRE and into some kind of understanding of these kinds of things (as well as finances, housework, families, and all that stuff).
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Old 06-11-2011, 07:46 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Having attractions to others is a human trait. We see people and respond. It isn't always sexual attraction, but sometimes it is no more than a simple thought like, "Wow, she's really pretty" or "I bet I could be friends with that person." It doesn't matter if one is mono or poly. Those attractions come out of the same natural judgments we make about people in general, like those times when you know you should cross the street because the person heading your way seems unbalanced or dangerous. Human instinct, pheromones, sensitivity to someone's energies, all come into play.

Perhaps you think it is odd to verbalize those attractions now that you're committed to being mono, but my partners and I have pretty much always felt free to do that in all my mono relationships -- except for my teenage years when my bf was a very jealous type. I don't think it's a sign of anything, other than comfort, security, and maturity to be able to freely express what comes naturally. As for flirtations, most times that can be innocent and fun, but other times the people we love do that specifically to piss us off or make us jealous. So, you just need to be in tune with what is and communicate when you have a question.

It does sound like you are wrestling with a bit of insecurity and I wonder if that neighbor of yours has put a whammy on you. If you feel it most when she's around, I can safely say you are just picking up on her insecurity which she covers over with bravado. Because when we are around people who are truly secure and confident in themselves, we feel a sense of ease or our own confidence to be with them. Confident people don't need others around them to feel "less than." When we walk away comparing ourselves and coming up short, it just means that their confidence is fake and they put the whammy on us.
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-11-2011 at 07:48 PM.
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Old 06-11-2011, 08:23 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Wow, that makes alot of sense. She very much prances around every married or taken man on the property and it does leave a bad taste in my mouth because she is so obviously doing it for attention and I have to admit I do feel insecure at times which is strange for me. It doesn't happen often and come to mention it, in the past when I'm insecure it revolved around someone like her. I don't think she is trying to sleep with my boyfriend just that she exudes desperate for attention and is seeking it from all around her. Crazy thing, the prancing and lack of concern is what attracts him to her.

My only (what I consider) adult experience is my ex and it was def a not allowed to speak of anything outside of me and him. When he would hear other guys speaking of women infront of their wife, I would hear from him that he would never disrepect me like that. Even though to me it seemed like the wife was okay with it and sometimes made comments of her own.

I guess this is why it seems strange to speak about this and it be okay as is. I think I should have a further discussion about this with him. We have openly discussed my emotions about her in particular, but you shed light on it better than I could have and honestly I feel like I could be a little more open with him. It's a tough thing for me to admit insecurities to a significant other. He doesn't know his attractions are a turn on for me either. I want him to know that, but something has held that tidbit back. I'm guessing it's insecurities as well.
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Old 06-12-2011, 03:06 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Il2M

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilove2men View Post
.....
Witnessing his interactions and flirtations are having a positive and negative effect on me as is dicussing them. I find myself feeling safe and proud that we are able to be open with eachother about this.
I think this is the part of poly awareness that you can never lose once you discover it. I also think everyone is capable of being attracted to others, whether it's only physically or emotionally. But whether we act on it depends on a lot of things. "owning" our poly-ness simply means we accept that it's ok to act if all the circumstance are conducive to it. But that's not always the case.

We also have discussed a lot here the concept of "fullness". Like you mentioned, you guys tried it, discovered how much work it actually is, and decided to forgo it (at least for now). You are "enough" for each other right now.

That doesn't make you "mono" ! It just makes you full. Don't confuse that. Time and circumstances could change that. You've been there before. Accept that little lesson.

Quote:
I also feel turned on by it. BUT, I also have feelings of "He's MINE!" I don't act upon them. I don't get mad at him, but they are there. I feel like a poly girl with a secret monogamonster trapped inside.
Well - he's NOT "yours" ! Of course you know that. You're partners - not owners. But old programming takes a long time to replace. Don't beat yourself up about it. Laugh at it. Acknowledge it but give it no power.
The fact that you are kind of operating in 'mono' mode right now could make it easy for those old beliefs and reactions to resurface. That's all it is. Fascinating eh ?


Quote:
There is a particular neighbor that gives off the vibe of no respect for our relationship. (ie she would have no problems being with a cheater) This scares me.
Why does it scare you ? What scares you ?
That he might jump at her bait ? Or is it that he might - and not tell you ?
Seems easy enough to put this to bed. Just approach him and tell him if wants to go there - do it ! Just tell you about it please !
From your description of her and her actions I'd venture that it's what she needs. To just get banged and let go.

Quote:
I trust him. I am happy and he is happy. Why do I feel threatened? I feel as though since we agreed to be mono I def have some territorial tendencies that are trying to break free.
Again - more old programming triggered by the concept (and discussion) of 'mono'. I suggest you eliminate that term - replace it with "full". I don't think that once someone discovers poly nature, there's ever any going back. Life (views on relationships) is simply never the same. Information doesn't go away.


The difference I see between mono and poly isn't about current activity - it's about philosophy.

It's either ok to acknowledge the option of multiple people in relationship - or it isn't ! Whether it's happening at any given moment is just details. The philosophy doesn't change.

GS
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Old 06-12-2011, 05:56 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Sorry I can't quote you GS. I am using my phone for this.

To answer why I feel threatened. We spoke in great detail last night. One of the topics was specifically her and the reaction I am having to her. I think it's alarms ringing inside of me that she is unhealthy to be around. Meaning her actions are self destructive. I have had to deal with alot of codependency issues. Being attractive to self destructive people (not just in dating, friendships as well) and I've gotten burned everytime in the process of trying to get them to see the greatness about themselves that they cannot see. I have grown up and I have learned that I have no space in my life for this type of person, so much so that I am actually repelled by them. This is the threat of danger I get from her. When you've been burned you stop playing with fire. He is attracted to this, but as he said last night, he avoids her for the same reason. She is not in a healthy place and it's best to leave that one alone.

Our talks last night have left me in a place of peace. We are forever changed because of the philosophies we have learned. Having closed our relationship those old tendencies are coming back as you said and we broke them down last night. We have agreed possibilities are endless and we are living one of those right now. Just he and I. That could change and after our talk last night... That's okay.

Originally we made our agreement during our grieving process. He couldn't imagine going through that destruction again and I easily swore off anyone and everyone after the father of my child who I've been with for 8 years not only left us but attacked me and harrassed me and hasn't seen his daughter since christmas day (as he threw me around while holding her)... I hate talking about it, but given all that we not only closed the door to poly we welded it shut. So here we are now and attractions have been happening and because that is supposed to be a dead horse it was scary. We are open to the possibilities again "just not right now" I think we are still healing, and truly enjoying each other. We are def full. This is a lovey way to say it.

Last edited by Ilove2men; 06-12-2011 at 06:39 PM.
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Old 06-13-2011, 12:15 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilove2men View Post
.........

To answer why I feel threatened. etc
Thanks for sharing this additional stuff. I think it might be helpful for a lot of readers.
I'm glad you took the time to talk things through and that the clarity came from it. That's a great thing about people who connect well. Sometimes we all just need reminders - to revisit - stuff we've dealt with before. It's a lot easier & quicker the second (and umpteenth) time around.

Also that you raise a great point that doesn't get talked a lot about.
It gets into an area that's really tricky sometimes. It's when one person in a relationship recognizes someone that is toxic (in any number of ways) and another isn't picking it up. Attraction can blind us sometimes - especially when hormones are involved. In your case - at least after a discussion - you both apparently are seeing it. So you're golden. Others are not always as lucky. This is a great topic in itself to talk about - how to deal with conflict in 'vision' lol.

Seems you guys are in a good place. Great wishes for the future !

GS
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Old 06-13-2011, 10:32 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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That was a big concern for me. The possibility of him not seeing the toxicity. We had it happen once and that is a situation I'd be glad not to revisit.

The talk has made me feel a deeper connection which is hard to believe because we are so close already. It's great. I have found that I need not be afraid of his attractions are my own because they don't mean what we have is lacking or will end. It's actually helping me embrace my bi side instead of shrink away from him and avoid friendships with girls so I don't feel "wrong."
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