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  #1  
Old 06-08-2011, 05:29 PM
CranberryStardust CranberryStardust is offline
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Question Concerned about my own intentions and motivation

I am currently single and on the verge of entering into a relationship with a married couple that I have been sexually involved and friends with. The idea of the relationship is exciting and different (never done this before!) and I enjoy them both...

However, I am concerned that I might not be entering the relationship for the best reasons. I have a feeling that the reason I am so open now to something I wouldn't have considered before is that my personal life is lacking and I am vulnerable and lonely. My family has pretty much fallen apart recently and I had been feeling rather orphaned and alone and unwanted...this couple seems to be filling some of those voids but is that healthy? They are a little older than me...she is very calm and rather maternal and I find her presence calming. He is very warm and open and accepting. I feel wanted all of a sudden.

My concern is that I might, by continuing this and getting closer, be using them to sooth myself in the aftermath of recent trauma and that long term, I might not have interest and end up hurting them. Originally, it was supposed to just be sexual but we have gone beyond that.

I have been involved in a series of cold, meaningless sexual relationships with men who were uncaring and indifferent to me. Sadly, because of this, I was surprised when after our last encounter, they talked to me and hugged me. It felt so foreign...and good.

Any words of advice? Am I simply going to an extreme to fill voids that were left by family members and friends? Can intense loneliness cause someone to enter into uncommon relationships that they would normally reject the idea of? I don't want to hurt them...I want them around and it feels good...but I also can't ignore the desire I have always had to meet a decent guy and have a traditional, monogamous marriage. That will eventually rear its head and cause issues I would imagine.

Sorry so long
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  #2  
Old 06-08-2011, 05:49 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
However, I am concerned that I might not be entering the relationship for the best reasons. I have a feeling that the reason I am so open now to something I wouldn't have considered before is that my personal life is lacking and I am vulnerable and lonely. My family has pretty much fallen apart recently and I had been feeling rather orphaned and alone and unwanted...this couple seems to be filling some of those voids but is that healthy? They are a little older than me...she is very calm and rather maternal and I find her presence calming. He is very warm and open and accepting. I feel wanted all of a sudden.
The default answer would be you really don't want to enter into a relationship with everything around you is falling apart. Especially when family is effected because you could be enterring into a relationship looking for a surrogacy.

It depends what you want from the relationship. To feel loved, supported and enjoy being with them for whatever length of time is available?.. thats healthy. As long as everyone knows what this may end up being for you.

You are the only one who can truly know if this is good/bad/awesome. I would personally be hesitant to jump into a relationship with a person whose life is up in the air..

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My concern is that I might, by continuing this and getting closer, be using them to sooth myself in the aftermath of recent trauma and that long term, I might not have interest and end up hurting them. Originally, it was supposed to just be sexual but we have gone beyond that.
I am impressed with your self observation and your healthy doubt about the entire situation. You should be commended.

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I have been involved in a series of cold, meaningless sexual relationships with men who were uncaring and indifferent to me. Sadly, because of this, I was surprised when after our last encounter, they talked to me and hugged me. It felt so foreign...and good.
So you have been getting treated poorly, family stuff is rocky and these people are nice/kind/sexual (post sex endorphins as a reminder)...

Quote:
Any words of advice? Am I simply going to an extreme to fill voids that were left by family members and friends? Can intense loneliness cause someone to enter into uncommon relationships that they would normally reject the idea of? I don't want to hurt them...I want them around and it feels good...but I also can't ignore the desire I have always had to meet a decent guy and have a traditional, monogamous marriage. That will eventually rear its head and cause issues I would imagine.
You need to decide if non-monogamy is what you want. Having threesomes and playing around is one thing. Investing into a dream that may not be yours. You need to figure out if thats truly what you want at the root.

It might be time to look at yourself, your desires and your dreams honestly.

Start there and work your way out.

I know, not much help.. be proud of your self honesty before getting involved.

Ari
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Old 06-08-2011, 06:24 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Cranberry,

Sorry to hear you're living through some difficult times. Believe that it will get better !

I like a lot of what Ari has said already and also commend you for having the self awareness to question your logic. It's isn't usually wise to make major decisions when we're in a state of turmoil. Kudos to you !

However, that being said...............

Sometimes life forces us to open our eyes to possibilities we might normally have never considered - or missed. If you're bleeding badly it's amazing how much stuff you can find around you to make a bandage out of !
Stuff you never would have thought of as a bandage at all !
You get what I'm saying ?

The trick it seems is to keep the awareness of potential all the while reinforcing what is really best. In other words - let's not go filling the first aid kit with toilet paper and old greasy rags from under the counter. They may have been a lifesaver at the time but there may be a better plan. But your thinking got expanded anyway out of necessity Normally a good thing !


Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
..........

My concern is that I might, by continuing this and getting closer, be using them to sooth myself in the aftermath of recent trauma and that long term, I might not have interest and end up hurting them. Originally, it was supposed to just be sexual but we have gone beyond that.
Great to ask this question ! Totally valid.
Might also be good to ask the question why you are concerned about "MIGHT not have interest in the future". You're right. You might not. On the other hand you might ! Only your expectation/conditioning would slant this one way or another right now.
Consider that either option is equally possible. What would you say and do then ?


Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
Sadly, because of this, I was surprised when after our last encounter, they talked to me and hugged me. It felt so foreign...and good.
I'm sad that that is sad to you Foreign.
As opposed to what you had come to expect.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
Am I simply going to an extreme to fill voids that were left by family members and friends?
Why would you consider this "extreme" ? New - yes. Untried - maybe. You seem already convinced that you are walking outside some boundary. You're automatically expecting the rug to fly out from under you. I suggest you don't do that ! The option you are 'exploring' is a perfectly valid one for thousands of other people. You just haven't been exposed until now.
It may or may not be a valid one for you too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
Can intense loneliness cause someone to enter into uncommon relationships that they would normally reject the idea of?
Of course. Our life is what we are living ! We can't separate ourselves from the experiences we have/had. It's the building blocks of who we are !
But we can step aside (like you are) and look at those blocks - and choose which one's we'll use for the foundation and which for the roof. The people who get into the biggest trouble are the ones that just grab the first block their hand lands on and start building. You're smart. Keep going.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
I don't want to hurt them...I want them around and it feels good...but I also can't ignore the desire I have always had to meet a decent guy and have a traditional, monogamous marriage. That will eventually rear its head and cause issues I would imagine.
Ahhhhhh yes - finally this..............

I think it's normal (whatever that is) to want a "primary" (as we often refer to it) in our lives. Someone we know will always be there for us. Someone that "gets" us at a deeper level than anyone else.
But it's only social 'rules' that specify that that 'someone' has to be a singular person. Or a person of a specific gender. Or all the rest.
The rule instead should be.........

"what makes us happiest and most fulfilled ?"

The answer to that is a very individual thing. Assume nothing but what your heart tells you.

Better days ahead for you !

GS
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Old 06-09-2011, 05:43 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I think the biggest worry I would have is that I would be come overly dependent on them and not look after my stuff. There is a lot of baggage that comes with life and I reckon its up to me to get rid of it... I don't find I do that if I become co-dependent with others...

On the other hand... how nice to be given some love and nurturing. Some genuine closeness and caring. That is a lovely gift and I think if I were you I would be very grateful and appreciative and make sure they know that. I think I would make sure that they are aware that you are transitioning from one stage of your life to another and that although you care about them and could even love them, that you really need to honour the process you are on and the journey you have been on until its finished.

Then I think I would wait and see how it goes. Accept their love and affection but keep it in perspective and get about doing the work I need to do to be healthy again, for myself first.
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Old 06-09-2011, 08:12 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Well, for me at least, loneliness and a feeling of isolation were motivating factors in deciding to pursue new relationships. But aren't there a lot of single people out there who reach out for monogamous relationships for the exact same reason - that they feel that there is something missing in their life?

I am a very family-oriented person, and last year realized that my little family might not be there forever. That if I wanted to experience love and support and security in the future, I needed to start branching out and building a family of choice for myself.

In what comes to your couple, Cranberry, as long as they know about your situation and the doubts it's been causing, and they still want to proceed, I think something very sweet and beautiful might well be in store for the future!
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Old 06-09-2011, 02:16 PM
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Erosa Erosa is offline
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To tell you the truth, I do not think that looking for a loving relationship because of the loss of family support is at all unhealthy.

First of all, loneliness is THE main reason people seek out traditional relationships in the first place.

Second, it might be a better world if everyone realized that not all lover is perminant love. It iserfectly okay for you to enter into is relationship under the old pagan marriage vow "as long as the love shall last". (as long as everyone knows thia is what's going on).

It may be that your love only lasts until you and they grow past it. Or it might be that it lasts several lifetimes.

But really, your odds of making this work are probably higher becuase you will be more sincerely invested in the first place.
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Old 06-09-2011, 02:39 PM
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BU and E, you might be right, in fact, by the very fact that the OP sout out an opinion makes me want to agree with you. However, what we are used to seeing on here is emotional and financial rescue of unicorns who haven't found there own feet when they were taken on by a couple. Usually they come to us after a break up, or during one and wonder what went wrong. Well, what went wrong was that they didn't find their independance before launching into a complicated relationship dynamic it usually appears like.
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Old 06-09-2011, 02:52 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Agreed, I think unicorns who are not immediately moving in with their couple and are open and actively seeking out other relationships too tend to be happier, healthier and longer-lasting!
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Old 06-09-2011, 04:25 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Agreed, I think unicorns who are not immediately moving in with their couple and are open and actively seeking out other relationships too tend to be happier, healthier and longer-lasting!
Not a unicorn then .. then they are just happily poly and singlish hahaha..
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Old 06-09-2011, 05:32 PM
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Not a unicorn then .. then they are just happily poly and singlish hahaha..
Singlish is something I haven't thought of myself as being in a while. Is there a word for someone who is taken, but like, multiple times so?
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