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  #1  
Old 06-11-2011, 12:36 PM
Balder Balder is offline
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Question Moving in?

Hi, I'm kinda new to poly. I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 10 months now, and she lives with her husband, their one year old baby, and his girlfriend. Everyone gets along great. The girls see each other as sisters, and the husband and I see each other as brothers. Their roommates are moving out in a few months, and they want me to move in. I want to move in too, but I'm a little worried about how much it might affect my dating other women. Should I do it? Should I wait? Will moving in make dating others difficult?

Any help is greatly appreciated, thanks.
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Old 06-11-2011, 01:00 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hey Balder,

Of course, moving in could complicate your dating situation.
But beyond that, living together is likely to alter the chemistry between you and the others.
This may be good and bad. You can only shield people you care about from your personal truths and habits for so long - and vic versa. Eventually the truth and reality has to come out.

Living together hastens this process

GS
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Old 06-11-2011, 02:11 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Default Been through the same thing

Here's a little story that unfolded over a two year period. Things have worked out great but you have to be clear on a lot of things. I don't know your personal situation but the one trip wire we have seen in a few couples is a lack of discussion about one thing in particular;

If your girlfriend is poly...and you move in....are you ok with her having other boyfriends after you? Believe it or not this has bit a few people on the ass because they didn't discuss the nature of their relationship in enough depth.

Just something (and a big thing) to consider.


Multi-partner co-habitation
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2349
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Old 06-11-2011, 02:52 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Balder, just need some clarification... when you ask "Will moving in make dating others difficult?", do you mean for you, your GF, or both of you? Are you dating other women now? Or do you intend to at some point, but aren't yet?
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Old 06-11-2011, 04:24 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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As long as you aren't moving in because they need help with their finances or because you have no place else to go, I think it will be fine. You can always move out if it doesn't work out. They are already set up with a roommate dynamic, so they could just find another roommate, and you could go back to the same type of living arrangement that you are in right now.

This one doesn't make my hair stand on end like some of the others do. You should give it a try and work on your dating issues as they come about.
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Old 06-12-2011, 01:36 PM
Balder Balder is offline
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I'm not terribly worried about moving in affecting chemistry and everything. It is a factor, to be sure, but I generally keep to myself and they know to leave me alone when I need it, so the only thing in this area that I'm worried about is the baby killing my sleep.

My girlfriend already has a husband, whom she lives with. We're good friends, practically brothers. She's not looking for another relationship, though if it did happen, I wouldn't mind as long as he was respectful of my boundaries (as in, allowing me to sleep) and I still had my own room.

I was mostly asking about me dating other people, because my living situation is going from living alone to living with my girlfriend and her family. Her situation doesn't change much because she already lives with her husband. My concern, since I don't know how poly people feel about this, is about how someone I might try to date feel about me living with my girlfriend.

In a way, I am moving in to help with finances. I want to move in anyway, but their roommates are moving out, and they will have issues if they don't get someone to fill that spot. Of course, they could probably find another roommate. Also, I have a good deal on my living situation because my friend owns the place, but he can't leave it open, so if I move out, chances are it will be taken if I ever want to move back in. I can probably move back in with my parents if it comes down to it, which will help finances considerably if they don't charge rent, or move in with someone else, maybe.
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Old 06-12-2011, 02:38 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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You just have to decide if it's worth taking that risk. It really isn't a huge risk in the grand scheme of life. Nothing is ever guaranteed...
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Old 06-12-2011, 06:12 PM
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It sounds like you have a good living situation where you are now.

The baby will affect your sleep if your room would be near the baby's or where the kid will eventually play. And are you sure you won't be roped into doing some babysitting since you'd already be there?

Seems like your freedom to date others might be hampered. If they're not poly, they might be weirded out - but of course, you'd inform them of your situation before bringing them home.

Also, consider this - how much noise can you make with another woman in your room? Maybe the sounds of sex would make other members of the household uncomfortable. For a very vocal partner, it can be a real bummer to be asked to keep it down.

If you could have a separate entrance or the configuration of the house was such that your privacy would be respected and remain intact, eh, then it seems fine.

I have a sneaking suspicion that you are trying to be more positive about it than you really feel. You have valid concerns and doubts. I am a very private person myself, so I value the boundaries that I feel protect my space and my life - just so you know where I'm coming from -- I say, stay where you are but let them know right away so they can find someone else. My two cents, that's all.
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Old 06-12-2011, 10:40 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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You might want to read up on other peoples experiences on here by doing a tag search for "moving in."

One thing for sure is that everything changes when everyone moves in together. That could be a good thing or not so good thing, depending. If you have a good thing going now, you might ask yourself, why change it? They can find another roommate. That shouldn't be a reason to move in. Hell, we moved a tenant out when we were ready for Mono to live with us and there was a time the space was free.

It could go great and be the best choice ever, really, the only way to know is to be financially independent, be through your nre enough to be thinking clearly and make sure you agree to the boundaries you think would be useful.

Good luck.
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