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  #81  
Old 12-22-2011, 06:43 PM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Default I've met someone...

... very special. I'll refer to her as "R". I attended, are you ready for this? A "cuddle" party.

Yes, I know. Martial arts, Firearms and Motorcycles don't exactly seem to fit the profile, but off I went. I truly do not know why, except that what I've been doing lately wasn't giving me the peace I've sought so I chose to do something completely different.

When the Invitation came in, I said Huh? But I was drawn to it, and decided to follow my heart on this one. I'm so very glad I did. It was a night of gentleness, love and profound kindness. No sex, but an intimacy of the soul for me was established with one particular woman. I don't know when I've been in the presence of such a powerful, gentle,spirit before. ( actually I do. Hi RP! ) What I do know is that I was able to let go of my masks and acts, the fear and grief and just went with my heart.

We met again last night for tea. And talked for hours. I find that being with her quiets my mind, and allows me to be present in the moment. She teaches tantric, is married, and Poly. I've met her husband who is also a very cool human being and I'll be having dinner with them next week.

I hope to grow this relationship with her, as she quiets my soul and inflames my passion. I think what surprised me most about that night though was that she also felt the connection, heart to heart. Being with R is like being a child again. Happy and playful.

Also that night I met 2 other women, very centered and powerful in their own right. They teach meditation and follow a path of spiritual openness. They took a chance and invited this guy (me) to join them at a special potluck/gathering they are having Dec 30.

I have so much to learn, but it would seem that the universe has my back.

6 months ago I was all fight, no quit. 2 weeks ago I was still at times blaming T for my pain. Today? Today I'm a different man. I cannot truly describe what's going on right now within me, but I am enjoying it.

I'll always be a child of the wild places, it is who I am. But I'm discovering that there may be more to this old wolf than I realized.
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  #82  
Old 12-24-2011, 06:32 AM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Angry Soooooo.........

.........I have a GF. I think. GF seems...trite. To small to describe what is actually happening.

3 weeks ago I was on the verge of complete self destruction. Partying all night, every night. Girls, clubs, booze, bar fights and....other things.

Last week? The universe offered up the other side of choice. it's like I woke up in someone else's life.

T and I are good. Better than we've been in years. Friends. I feel.....whole and complete for the first time in recent memory.

So here's the question for those farther along this journey. How do I maintain this? How do I not fall back into Fear and self pity?

Because where I am is so much better than where I was when this all got started. I'd appreciate any help or suggestions you may have.
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  #83  
Old 12-24-2011, 07:28 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hi Freetime. I'm sure you know that you can't really prevent yourself from ever feeling fear or self-pity again. Your feelings will rise and fall in response to life events and your own thoughts. You can manage them, examine them, try to understand where they come from, but attempting to corral and keep certain emotions at bay will usually make them more volatile. "Whatever we resist, persists... and grows stronger." Better to allow for the natural ebb and flow of your inner life. When you let yourself feel what you feel without judging it (judging as in "Oh this sucks" or "I don't wanna feel this shit"), its hold on you suddenly loosens and the feeling dissipates. In other words, resistance is futile.

Besides, whenever we try and move forward in our lives avoiding something, we basically wind up shaping our lives around the very thing we do not want. We mold everything to make sure it is "not that" and essentially wind up living life as an empty reflection of the very thing we're avoiding ("oh, I'm never feeling that way again!" or "I'll be alright as long as I don't make the mistakes my parents did"), instead of an organic, fully realized expression of who we are and what we truly want in life.

Life cannot always bring us puppies, lollipops, and rainbows. All I can tell you, FT, is that you can enjoy what you have today without worrying that it will go away. Stand still in this moment of now and appreciate... everything. And if you face life like an adventure, knowing that not all of it will feel good, and take the approach that you are creating it anew each day instead of manipulating it to not be something else, you will have an authentic, organic expression of YOU - and that's where satisfaction lies.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 12-24-2011 at 07:33 AM.
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  #84  
Old 12-24-2011, 06:11 PM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Eloquent, and beautiful. Thank you. You my dear NYcindie, truly have a way with words.
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  #85  
Old 12-24-2011, 06:24 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Glad to hear you are doing good and back on a healthy track my friend!
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  #86  
Old 12-27-2011, 06:48 AM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Default Life as a ...secondary?

Weird. I don't feel Any less loved or appreciated. I'm happy. Today I'm grateful for that which I have, and that's good enough.

I spent the day with a friend. She and I are very alike in many ways, and I was glad to be there for her. Feels good to be offering help and support instead of needing it.
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  #87  
Old 12-27-2011, 09:26 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Welcome back FT!!! I had the chance to read through when I first joined the board and your story resonated with me, to the core.

Glad to hear that you're doing better and feeling free-r (is that even a word? lol).

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  #88  
Old 12-30-2011, 06:34 AM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Free r is now officially a word. Wow. What a year. There were those around me who weren't sure I was going to survive it. But I did. I thought I'd share with you what I've learned.

No matter how it may look right now, the universe is looking out for you. Enjoy the journey.

Free time, all the time.

Love you all.

P.S. I'm spending tomorrow night and new years eve with my GF, her husband and my wife. How cool is that!? exactly.

Later folks
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  #89  
Old 12-31-2011, 08:46 AM
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Big hugs Freetime. happy new year for tomorrow.
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  #90  
Old 01-01-2012, 10:08 PM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Hi RP! I hope you had a good night. R and here husband spent the night here, we had a great discussion, fun frivolity, and more discussion until the sun came up. A great way to bring in 2012.

Interesting place to be right now. My marriage is over, my first attempts at poly didn't work out, and here I am in another poly relationship.

The biggest difference is that this one isn't connected to T in any way, so has none of the issues attached.

I truly do like poly as a life choice, it fits me so much better then mono ever did which is somewhat humorous when you know my story.

I'd like to have a primary relationship again one day, and would love for it to be a part of a poly family.

Poly is community, and one I'm glad to be apart of.
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