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  #21  
Old 11-16-2009, 05:37 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by Manno View Post
I wasn't trying to downplay it as a viable solution, nor was I insinuating that it was a problem that needed to be solved for you. I'm in no way an expert on this situation.
Me either LOL! I'm just feeling my way around too....although there is a fair bit of light where I am now thank god.
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  #22  
Old 11-25-2009, 08:06 AM
LuvNWonder LuvNWonder is offline
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Default Agreeing with mono here

Of course it's not the right solution for everyone but when it was agreed that a sexual relationship was desireable between my wife and her bf it was absolutely essential that we be together as a threesome first.
I had to see that he was loving and supportive, he had to see that I was okay with the relationship, and she needed that night of passionate embrace between all three of us to believe it was going to be alright. It did not remove all trace of trepidation for any of us on the day they were together alone, but it took the scary away.
It should be stated that our first years of non-monagomy usually included threesomes but the emotional impact of this situation was...powerful

first edit didn't seem to take. Forgive if this is all screwed up.

I forgot to address the initial question. At this time we feel that a good budding friendship and at least comfort with an occasional night all together in bed is a very strong guideline for any relationship either of is take part in. We won't refuse love if it comes calling, but we really *want* our relationships to be between all three or four of us as completely as possible. Her bf and I were friends within minutes of talking with one another and I'm very sad (as is he, I believe) that my work has me so far away from the relationship. I literally was developing a crush and he was very comfortable.

So for us, friends all around - or better, if at all possible. My recent girlfriend was not willing to have such a relationship with my wife - even friends did not seem possible - so I'm left now with a great deal of time to reflect on what a great guy I think I am, hang out in forums, and read

sorry. I have a habit of rambling.

Brian

Last edited by LuvNWonder; 11-25-2009 at 08:27 AM. Reason: Because I'm a horrid forum writer
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  #23  
Old 11-25-2009, 02:39 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Default All good advice

I totally agree with what seems to be the overall sentiments of the group here that at minimum a level of friendship is really important for any long term stability.
I think any "poly" relationship that involves one of the group really NOT being poly is dangerous water to cross and if there's someone kind of "out of the loop" then it's the seeds of disaster. We end up back at that all important "C" word - communication. If you can't all communicate openly & honestly the hole is in the boat so to speak. Just a question of how long before she sinks.
A possible additional note to these situations that seem to crop up a lot....
Whenever we have found situations of a possible poly/mono connection, we've learned to be VERY careful - if not avoid them entirely - unless we have a long, sit down and talk session with all involved INCLUDING especially the mono person.
It's all to common in these type of situations for that one mono person to be "just going along to keep peace", hoping it's a phase that their poly-inclined partner is going through etc, and that internally they are roiling and in extreme anguish. We don't want to be a party to that unless there is some extreme extenuating circumstance we discover that seems to justify it. We've never found that circumstance to date !
So advice here is - be careful, put up your antennas, go slow and be honest about what you detect - even if it exposes a reality different than the dream.
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  #24  
Old 11-25-2009, 03:08 PM
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Originally Posted by LuvNWonder View Post
Of course it's not the right solution for everyone but when it was agreed that a sexual relationship was desireable between my wife and her bf it was absolutely essential that we be together as a threesome first.
I had to see that he was loving and supportive, he had to see that I was okay with the relationship, and she needed that night of passionate embrace between all three of us to believe it was going to be alright. It did not remove all trace of trepidation for any of us on the day they were together alone, but it took the scary away.
Thanks for putting this on here. Mono and I didn't have our first time together like this and I wouldn't suggest it for everyone, but once we all started sleeping together and having sex together occasionally it changed the dynamic to something more comfortable. It seems that when there is a bit of an imbalance going on we spend time together in this way and it balances up again. We all believe it will be "alright" afterwards and it takes the scary away. The actual act is very different than when we are alone in that we all give each other space and are respectful of one anothers "turn." It really is indicative of how we are in life, but focused and under a microscope kind of. If that makes sense...??

When my husband and I were dating a man last year (that happened to be cheating on his wife, unbeknown to us. Lesson learned on that one! Always talk to the wife first!) It became evident that this man was in love with me and I had strong feelings for him at the time too. My husband picked up on that in our time together sexually and we changed our relationship... I don't think any of us would of picked up on the subtleties of our relationship if we had not all been having sex together. This is certainly true now with Mono.
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Old 12-02-2009, 10:01 AM
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Our own experiences have varied. We have had a serious FMF relationship as well as a semi-serious MFM relationship. In addition, there have been a couple V relationships. Each situation was completely different. In our FMF relationship, we each had a very different relationship with her, and never had a threesome together. People got along in different degrees. In the MFM relationship, it began between the two of them, but I had already met him, and was comfortable with him. By the time we had our threesome, there was already a certain level of trust and friendship, so it was a small step. In that relationship, there were never any negative emotions between the three of us, and in that regard we were very lucky. We just had a great chemistry. In our Vs, we haven't always been as fortunate. What we have discovered through hard experience is that if anyone in the mix is uncomfortable with anyone else, we do everything we can to iron it out right at the start. If, after lots of kindness, humor, affection, communication & reaching out, the discomfort still exists, then it's just not going to work, no matter how badly we want it to. Sometimes one of us just gets a bad vibe about somebody, and can't seem to shake it. Since jealousy hasn't really been an issue for us, we always listen to each other if one of us gets an intuition about somebody new. We've learned to trust each other on this, and it has paid off. We never say, "Don't see so-and-so", but we might talk about red flags that we've noticed. Basically, if it is going to be something long-term, then everyone has to be friends (at the very least), and be able to communicate freely with everyone else involved, without a go-between.
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  #26  
Old 12-13-2009, 02:35 AM
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Last night Redpepper came over to my house as is normal two nights a week. Her husband seemed very quiet and withdrawn which concerned us both. Redpepper offered to hang out with him and I was certainly willing to fore go our night if it would have made him feel better.
He did not want us to come back or change our plans and Redpepper called him a couple of times to confirm this and see how he was doing.
Today I offered to help him do some maintenance on their rental suite. We both tackled it and got it done in no time which freed him up to send more time with Redpepper before out upcoming night of dancing (tonight in fact - A b-day thing for Redpepper).
I then got to ask him how he was doing and if things were good. He opened up and everything is good.
Sometimes it is hard for me to not associate every problem or disconnect they have with my presence in his life.
We are friends and through that we all get a sense of support and it makes this experience so much better in our dynamic.

In our level of integration and vision of the future there really is no other option but to not only know each other, but to love each other.
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  #27  
Old 12-14-2009, 04:41 PM
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What about if you haven't met your partner's other interest and she is avidly against reaching out to him. Is this a red flag?
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  #28  
Old 12-14-2009, 04:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Bowvine View Post
What about if you haven't met your partner's other interest and she is avidly against reaching out to him. Is this a red flag?
For me, that would be a red flag. I would want to know why she's vehemently against that.
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  #29  
Old 12-14-2009, 06:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Bowvine View Post
What about if you haven't met your partner's other interest and she is avidly against reaching out to him. Is this a red flag?
I'm not sure what you mean by she isn't wanting to reach out. Do you mean she doesn't want you to?

If that is what you mean I would call that a big red flag. To me that isn't poly, but an open relationship. Which is fine but just a different set of rules than poly.

I would wonder what she is hiding or they are hiding and whether or not I am really loved and cared for as much as she says. I would wonder if she were really just checking out if this person was worth leaving me for.
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Old 12-14-2009, 07:23 PM
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She says she doesn't want me to poison their relationship. That it is separate from she and me. She doesn't want ME to talk to him. She has made the ultimatum that if I do I will be dumped.

What you say you would wonder about Redpepper is exactly what I have been thinking. I feel that she has made her other relationship more of a priority than healing ours.

She has said my questioning her is like attacking her, even when I ask calmly. It's a mess, and I don't feel like it is poly either, that she just wants to do what she wants to do without any rules or regard for my feelings. What a mess.
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