Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 06-07-2011, 10:43 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

My dad was afraid we would lose something special. His words, not entirely sure what he meant. I don't want to say he doesn't approve, because we've really moved past that point in our relationship, but he doesn't get it, and doesn't want to know. However, I do my best to ignore this, and if it is natural to talk about Mr. A, then I do so. For example, if I've visited Mr. A and he asks what I did on the weekend, then I tell him I went to see Mr. A.

And he does seem to be slowly getting that this strange thing that he would never dream of doing does actually work for us. Recently-ish, I had a rough go with some stuff, and he said, "Well, you've got Indigo and Mr. A to support you, too." That was a great feeling.

Dan Savage, a sex advice columnist, advises gay kids coming out to their parents to give the parents one full year to ask stupid questions and be insensitive clods. In that time, it is the kid's responsibility to be patient with their parents and educate them and it is the parents' responsibility to educate themselves. After that, if they are still being unreasonable, the only power you really have over them is your presence in their lives. If they won't accept you as you are, well, removing yourself from their lives is really the only leverage you have.

Since poly is quite unheard of, I'm thinking Dad gets a few years.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 06-07-2011, 11:23 AM
TL4everu2's Avatar
TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Clearwater, Fl.
Posts: 907
Default

I've been very lucky in that my biological mother was SO understanding. When we told her, she said "Well, I'm glad it works so well for you. Do you have a girlfriend now?" When I told her we did, and that was why we wanted to tell her, she was happy for us. I love my mom.
__________________
There is a lid for every pot...Sometimes even two or three...
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 06-07-2011, 12:07 PM
Heavenzdesire Heavenzdesire is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 15
Cool parents

wow, I feel lucky! I only have a mum to worry about and I decided to tell her myself, by myself because I wanted her to know that I wanted all this to happen and its something I have control in as an equal. She asked a heap of questions about Google and is fine with it. I mean sure she would prefere I kept with just the hubby. Her biggest concern was actually that Google looks like a supermodel and I look like well, not a supermodel or maybe three/four supermodels put together lol. On the other hand if we told anyone elses parents - input drama here - As for friends and other family etc. we really have no need to tell them and as we are keeping it secret from work its probly better we don't tell.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 06-07-2011, 07:13 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,701
Default

check out the "coming out" threads... there is a lot in there about parents if you do a tag search.

I had a huge coming out to mine... didn't go over well at all as they believed there was abuse going on. You can read about it on my blog if you wish. Or here.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 06-09-2011, 09:24 AM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

Mum pretty much whole-heartedly has hated everyone I've ever gone out with it, so it's just intensified hate with multiple partners .

No, honestly, I get where you are coming from. It is hard to face disappointing your parents, especially if you are economically and emotionally entangled with them and rely on them for practical support, like you do.

For me, the biggest helpful realization has been that I don't owe my parents anything. The decision to bring another human being into this world and to raise it is a free, voluntary decision, whereas a baby can hardly decide if and to whom to be born. Parents owe their children, not the other way around. It is not your responsibility to make your mother happy, if you could even theoretically do that for another person in the first place.

I have the same situation in that my mother lives very close by and is very up-to-date as to the goings on in my life. And since I've never been able to lie to her very well if at all, she immediately caught up on the whole poly thing. She has reacted a bit differently to each of my relationships;

1) Sweetheart; "What an irresponsible twat, to start sweet-talking another woman while his wife is left to take care of the kids"
2) The Sweets; "You are being used, moron, to pepper up somebody else's worn and tired marriage, and will be discarded in all due course"
3) VanillaIce; "I don't want you to be seen anywhere with HER. I mean, why can't you just get healthy already? Get yourself a nice man and two kiddos and make me a Grandma"
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 06-13-2011, 07:52 PM
PolyInNJ PolyInNJ is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 24
Default

I "came out" to my mother a few months back. I don't think she quite understands the complexity of it, or that my feelings for my BF are very real - but she's supportive. I think she's convinced it's a phase, though. Oh well. It is what it is.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 06-16-2011, 07:25 PM
utahpolyfam utahpolyfam is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 6
Default

We have friends whose family found out about them and they are still dealing with the backlash six months later. It basically showed us that we never want our parents to find out about our poly relationship. The backlash from it would be devastating. In my mind it is better to keep it a secret.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 06-16-2011, 08:49 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

This is something I have thought about a lot. When I was poly involved I really wanted to introduce my mom to all of this.. I wanted her to know who I love.

I think she would be interested, and maybe even happy for me, while at the same time, think I am nuts for wanting to open up my heart for heartbreak.

My mother is.. the most loving person you could meet, but also the most monogamous. She has stuck by my fathers side, in death for the last 12 years. She found her soulmate, but is completely accepting of everyone around her..

I visit in August, I will likely bring it up in passing. She knows about my BDSM and even my ummmm.. happy indiscretions with my ex, so this will probably not come as a surprise. Besides Pengrah creates a lot of scandle in my family so she probably already can guess.. hahaha

As it stands, my aunts and uncles know (they were swingers and lived through the 60's).. their default response.. "we did that too, but it was too hard, sex was easier" or the "it was a phase for us".. yes, that was a weird conversation to have at my cousins wedding while I was trying to pick up an ex of ours.. haha...
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 06-16-2011, 10:25 PM
swingers swingers is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 46
Default

my mom asked me at age 14 what i was interested in. i was open and strait forward with her... i wanted a 3 sum with 2 bi women. she seemed fine with it and supportave. "what ever you want sweety" now, 13 years later, i konw i CAN tell my mom im a swinger and llking into poly, but my wife would be too freaked out if she knew. and she would feel bad that she couldnt tell her mom

(hispanic orthodox catholic)


so... we limit it to a fiew non-alternateve lifestyle friends that can handle the truth. but even then if we start to talkabout it, they usually ask us not to go into any detail... thus is y im here, one of the only venues i can get to and talk to people about our ACTUAL life.

i feel like i have this big secret i want to announce to the world, like money burning a hold in my pocket that just needs to be spent.

i cant wait untill american society is open enought to accept ALL human walks of life and thought.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 06-17-2011, 05:20 PM
Moonlightrunner Moonlightrunner is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Tampere, Finland
Posts: 5
Default

We've told my father and he wasn't at all shocked about it. Well, quietly positive would probably be the best description.
He said that it was our life and we could choose our own relationships like we wanted.

He has yet to actually meet BlackUnicorn and VanillaIce but I don't really have any fears about it and I'm sure they'll get along just fine.
My sister was a little more skeptical about the situation but was willing to wait and see how it works out.

We haven't yet directly told Windflower's parents but her mother kinda knows we're poly as she noticed we belong to a polyamory group in Facebook. Windflower said she'll break the news eventually but for now she still wants to keep it her own sweet little secret
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
coming out

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:03 AM.