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  #51  
Old 10-30-2009, 05:50 AM
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There have been quite a few more since I joined the boards, but I still feel the absence of many voices when discussions like this come up. Not just this one particularly, but in general.
Just to address this point...Honestly after being ASKED to share my point of view on some things, and writing a rather long post about it, and then NO replies, I'm a little discourraged and feel like wtf is the point of me saying anything when I'll just be ignored. Especially one with so much meaning and me exposing my feelings on quite a few things. I'm an introvert by nature and that was a bit difficult for me to do in the first place.

Addressing this issue... when I was married, I NEVER took off my ring. It wasn't my marriage, but it was the symbol for it, like some of the other ladies have said. When I DID take it off, I was serious and the marriage was really over.
I would never expect either SG or AB to take off their rings. Just because they were married and THEN I came along. My joining the relationship doesn't diminish what they have, so why should they have to give up something important that symbolizes their marriage. Eventually I would like to have something for all three of us. But again, that would be in addition to their current rings.
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  #52  
Old 10-30-2009, 05:57 AM
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that would be in addition to their current rings.
That's perfect! I can't imagine anyone having an issue with this. I will eventually get my own ring...an addition to my existing tattoo ring In have. I just have to wait for Redpepper to be comfortable with it. Lots of time!!
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  #53  
Old 10-30-2009, 07:03 AM
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Is it the issue of the rings that's the problem or is it the feelings that it has brought up?

Sounds more like there are three people with different wants, needs and desires and you haven't found a common ground. If the symbolism of a ring is important, it should be considered with the respect deserved.

Going for a drive to capture a little bit of one on one time, Hell Ya! Every kind of relationship needs alone time, one on one and 'family' time to remain in a healthy balance!

Kids,,,,,big issue! If opinions and desires to have or not to have are so different you need to back up the truck and properly address this. A child isn't given the choice of what type dynamic they are birthed into. We are the parents of 6 now adult children between us, they may be 'raised' but we are parents for life! This is one issue that can not be put aside, it won't go away,
and the ramifications can be far reaching!

I truly hurt for you Violet, I have known many of the same feelings. I wish you all the best and hope you can find what is right for the three of you!

Hugs!
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  #54  
Old 10-30-2009, 07:48 AM
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oh I have so much to say....

agreed- the ring thing to me indicates bigger fish to fry...

The issue over marriage and babies?
Babies are forever, marriage isn't.... it's by far a bigger commitment...!!!! Be careful with that violet. You my think that it means something to be married to HMA, but if he were to have a kid with Anne, by default his attention would be going there. At least it should be going there.

Ceoli- I remembering you saying to me once, after you dated that couple, that you would like to have a "V" as I have. I suggest to you that perhaps you are feeling misunderstood because you don't have what you seek yet. It seems to me that the other "thirds" on this forum are largely happy with their position and are quite comfy and feeling loved and needed in their situations. Aussielover seems so and I know Mono seems so... (okay Mono, lets face it, this thing we have is pretty damned close to a triad in terms of what we speak of anyway). Perhaps you need to listen to that in yourself and begin seeking out primary relationships. This man you are getting to know on the west coast cannot offer you this situation. He sounds lovely and you sound excited and perhaps I am reading too much into your investment here, but he is just good while you could be seeking GREAT! Because you are seeking out good, you are maybe wasting the time you should be using to have GREAT!

Further more, .......and I'm so sorry for taking over this thread violet, but I have been thinking hard about you Ceoli and have finally thought what this might all be for you.... I think that perhaps because you have so much hard earned experience and wisdom about being a third, that is largely what you share on here. I would ask if maybe that keeps you in it? You are a strong advocate for the rights of thirds for sure, but perhaps you can let that go a bit and think about what direction you want to go now.

one last thing to violet, to get back on topic, and for the record...... I am a little shocked that you would allow anyone to tell you what you can and cannot do with your wedding ring. Once that sucker is on your finger, it's yours and for you to do as you will with it. I have been wearing mine on my right hand as I have lost a lot of weight and it doesn't fit, not to mention out of respect for Mono,,,, although it occurs to me of late that it looks like we are married when we are together and I like that.... a lot..... heh
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  #55  
Old 10-30-2009, 11:26 AM
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Ceoli- I remembering you saying to me once, after you dated that couple, that you would like to have a "V" as I have. I suggest to you that perhaps you are feeling misunderstood because you don't have what you seek yet. It seems to me that the other "thirds" on this forum are largely happy with their position and are quite comfy and feeling loved and needed in their situations. Aussielover seems so and I know Mono seems so... (okay Mono, lets face it, this thing we have is pretty damned close to a triad in terms of what we speak of anyway). Perhaps you need to listen to that in yourself and begin seeking out primary relationships. This man you are getting to know on the west coast cannot offer you this situation. He sounds lovely and you sound excited and perhaps I am reading too much into your investment here, but he is just good while you could be seeking GREAT! Because you are seeking out good, you are maybe wasting the time you should be using to have GREAT!

Further more, .......and I'm so sorry for taking over this thread violet, but I have been thinking hard about you Ceoli and have finally thought what this might all be for you.... I think that perhaps because you have so much hard earned experience and wisdom about being a third, that is largely what you share on here. I would ask if maybe that keeps you in it? You are a strong advocate for the rights of thirds for sure, but perhaps you can let that go a bit and think about what direction you want to go now.

I'm going to respectfully disagree with that assessment. As I have said repeatedly, I have no issues with healthy triad relationships working for others even though I know that such a situation wouldn't work for me. However, what I haven been saying seems to be being viewed through a different lens. What kept me in the debate initially was that SG seemed to be viewing everything I said through that lens and continually took issue with things that I neither said nor implied. Other issues I've been bringing up have to do with issues I see in their dynamic, not issues I have with the dynamic itself. And acknowledging that there's a huge piece of this dynamic that people are missing yet still judging on. It seems that trying to create an equal triad is placing a lot of strain on the relationship and it seems that forcing this relationship into that specific structure is causing a lot of pain for Violet and probably for the other members too. This is not the same as fighting for the rights of the third.

This isn't about me or my search for a primary. I'm very happy with where I'm at at the moment and happy with what relationships I have budding. I don't expect that part to be understood. This is about recognizing and calling out some very serious issues that I see from my perspective and that's it. And apparently it's a lot of work for that perspective to be understood and not lambasted at times. But since it's not about me, I don't take it with me off the page. If you have any further questions or issues about it, feel free to PM me.

Last edited by Ceoli; 10-30-2009 at 11:45 AM.
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  #56  
Old 10-30-2009, 04:49 PM
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Nope, no questions. It was all just a thought and none of my business, so I will leave it. I hope I haven't offended. That wasn't my intent either. I just have a feeling there is more going on for you than we read here. Its not our business and you certainly don't have to talk about it here. Of course I could be completely wrong. It wouldn't be the first time I hope you understand that I ask out of caring, not out of judgement or anything else. I'm sorry I said anything. Carry on...
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  #57  
Old 10-30-2009, 04:54 PM
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No worries and no offense taken! I've laid my relationship stuff out there, not much more to tell really
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  #58  
Old 10-30-2009, 06:01 PM
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Just so you know Ceoli I would PM you if I could from my phone. It doesn't sound like there is more to say anyway. unless you have something private to add.
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-30-2009 at 06:04 PM.
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  #59  
Old 10-30-2009, 09:47 PM
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Originally Posted by aussielover View Post
Just to address this point...Honestly after being ASKED to share my point of view on some things, and writing a rather long post about it, and then NO replies, I'm a little discourraged and feel like wtf is the point of me saying anything when I'll just be ignored. Especially one with so much meaning and me exposing my feelings on quite a few things. I'm an introvert by nature and that was a bit difficult for me to do in the first place.
I know for me-I look for all the new threads-but particularly this last week NONE of the threads show up dark (used to be all new ones showed up darker and any that had new posts since I'd viewed them did as well).
So I'm left scrolling around endlessly trying to recall if I've read something or not. Put that together with 2-3 days when ALL the first page and some of the second in a few places were new. Heck-Run out of time then!!
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  #60  
Old 10-30-2009, 09:57 PM
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I know for me-I look for all the new threads-but particularly this last week NONE of the threads show up dark (used to be all new ones showed up darker and any that had new posts since I'd viewed them did as well).
So I'm left scrolling around endlessly trying to recall if I've read something or not. Put that together with 2-3 days when ALL the first page and some of the second in a few places were new. Heck-Run out of time then!!
It was the post I wrote in the Relationship structures, triads, unicorns and all that... thread.
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