Ethics in Poly/Mono dating.

[Kella]

Originally Posted by Legion

As for married people or people in otherwise mono relationships, I say if the attraction is there, perhaps they aren't as mono as they think they are. I don't want to be a part of a deception, so if a monogamously engaged potential partner wants to pursue something with me, it needs to be above board.

Yes!

I didn't even know poly was a thing until about 4 years ago. A poly couple (very close friends though we live in different cities) came out as such to me and my husband. Of course it quickly became apparent that the guy would be quite happy to get closer to me if we were open to that, heh. Nothing doing because RugbyMan wasn't (and still isn't) okay with going there, but it sure opened my eyes to what's inside me!

So to my mind there is a huge awesomeness factor in being the poly person who sits down with a married/mono person or couple and says, did you ever know there was another way of doing this stuff...? It might lead to nothing or else be the biggest gift you ever gave someone (self-knowledge, acceptance, and not feeling like a messed-up deviant freak anymore, just to be going on with). But it's like starting a marble rolling down a mountain, it's going to take a while to get there if it ever does, and any sort of rushing or pressure to open up would be massively creepy.

It seems important to add that I'm not saying to go recruiting or proselytizing in general; this is in reference to what Legion said about seeing or sensing attraction/flirtation from a married/mono person.

[lovefromgirl]

Originally Posted by Gecko

My question is for the people who fell for the mono married people....especially if you were single, or already an experienced poly.

The causes and flaws of monogamy seem to be used often when people describe how they ended up in a poly relationship and I can see how a married person would identify with these things when falling for an outsider.
But what if you are poly and meet someone who is mono married. Do your personal beliefs about relationships lessen your perceived impact on pursuing your way into their lives?

Did that falling-for-taken-people a few times. Actually, realizing that I didn't want them to leave their partners was how I began to understand the difference between a poly mindset and a mono one. (Exception: the abusive partner to a very nice man. Everyone they knew wanted her gone.)

I had to learn that yes, it's wrong to disrupt a relationship that is monogamous/closed by choice. And in the one case where he divorced his wife, he revealed a lot about himself that gradually turned me off him. He was suddenly available... and not worth the trouble.

That's hard. But I learned. And I haven't made that mistake since. Unavailable is off-limits. Too much heartache if I think any other way.

[turtleHeart]

If someone is in a closed relationship, monogamous or otherwise, I wouldn't pursue them. I need to know that whatever partner(s) the person has are ok with me seeing them, and preferably I'd like to gain new friends via metamours.

If it seems like they're about to split from their current relationship(s) then I'm less interested in being with them, as I'd prefer to wait until the dust settles and they're in a good place in their life before venturing forth myself.