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  #81  
Old 07-26-2011, 05:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
That's young to me! Though my new beau is even younger than that, haha!
Hee. Well, it's all relative, I suppose.
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  #82  
Old 07-27-2011, 01:23 AM
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Knight resurfaced. He's been essentially silent since calling things off and sending me a sappy music video in some semblance of an apology (Jason Mraz' Absolutely Zero, if anyone cares) a couple days later. I'd been trying to both give him space by minimizing contact, and also emphasize that I understand that he wants to be friends by sending him a message about a funny thing that happened in class that related to a show he likes (i.e., non-romantic, no pressure, just plain friendly). I've pretty much left him alone after that, and he ignored it. Well, he sent me a message yesterday with a bunch of stuff about how I must be pissed, and he's being bone-headed, he hopes I don't hate him, etc. I called him to reply, and we talked a bit. He basically said that he didn't feel right about things between us right from the getgo.

That fucking pisses me off! I didn't really process it until after the phone call ended (I did tell him I was irked at how he ended things, but that no, I don't hate him), but now I'm really pretty pissed. So he didn't feel right about things from the beginning?? And he decided to play along like he did? And he fucking FUCKED ME while "trying" to be into it so he wouldn't "hurt my feelings"? WTF?? I generally try to be very understanding and see things from different points of view, but I don't see how this could be OK.

At the end of the phone call, he said he still had something he needed to express, that he hadn't quite figured out how to express, so he'd call me later about it. Later that night, he sent me a message saying he'd call me today. Well, it's the end of today, and nothing.

For all his talk about how he values honesty and believes honesty is the best policy and whatever, he sure didn't portray that in his actions. First by acting and speaking as though he did feel right about things, and second by not letting me know in person, in a timely manner when he decided to end things. Ugh!

He said that he has trouble with anxiety and is clueless about dealing with people/emotional stuff, and that's why he couldn't just tell me the way he really felt. OK, acknowledgment is great and all, but that's no excuse. I made it EASY to be honest. I was right upfront about everything, and I was never pushy or confrontational about it, either. If he didn't want to get into a relationship with me, or explore one, or whatever, he should have said so.

Ugh! The more I think about it, the more pissed off I get. I honestly don't know if I can be his friend anymore. Friends don't DO that kind of thing to each other.

I feel almost guilty for being so angry, but doggonnit, I think I'm right to be angry. I'd be FINE if we had just plain and simply not worked out, IF we were honest about it. This sly, cowardly shit is what pisses me off.
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  #83  
Old 07-27-2011, 05:00 PM
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Right... ahem. So that was a rant. Anyway. Moving right along...

So the kissing/nekkid-pics-that-weren't/roommie's brother/dude-who-I-hesitate-to-name has been either busy or withdrawn, somewhat. He hasn't said anything about the links I sent him. Good sign, though - after a day or two of mostly silence or short answers, he was back to being flirtatious via text message last night. I like the flirting. I hope we can arrive at some sort of agreement to let things just be what they will be.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, though. His sister was rabid when she talked to Romeo about her suspicions that night last weekend. She hasn't said a damn thing to me, or I would have pounced on the opportunity to tell her that we're adults and that's personal.

I'm apprehensive about talking to the roommates. It needs to happen soon, though. The lease ends August 31, and I believe we need to let the leasing office know by July 31 if we're not going to renew the lease. I haven't been getting any promising results from roommates.com, either. At this point, though, I'm almost willing to temporarily move in with Romeo's stuffy parents just to get away from the roommates. Almost. Not quite.
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  #84  
Old 08-01-2011, 01:10 PM
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Right, so... ahem. Still not naming him. Right now we're not officially anything. We just both enjoy one another's company and are exploring our mutual attraction, and right now that involves sex. I'm not reading into it or trying to force things into some kind of serious/committed relationship, but I like where things are right now.

It's nice being with someone who is experienced and has no problem using condoms. Actually, not only does he have no problem with them, he simply wouldn't think of going without unless he were in a serious relationship or married.

I'd like to be more physically affectionate with him (so far, contact is mostly exploratory or some type of foreplay, not just pure affection), but I don't want to alarm him. From our conversations, he seems wary of getting really emotionally entangled. I think I'll mention it once, though, just to feel out his response.

I think things are going well, though. We've had some really awkward conversations and covered some pretty important stuff, and that hasn't killed the attraction or anything, so... I think we're good.

There was a bit of a hitch between Romeo and I, but we're OK now. Something I did made him feel rejected and like he wasn't a priority to me, and I hadn't anticipated that. Once he explained how the situation looked from his point of view, I understood why he felt that way and apologized. He's not un-hurt just because I apologized, but we're moving forward and I'm making extra sure to make him feel like a priority. (Yes, I'm being vague on purpose. Sorry. Don't feel like sharing the details of this one.)
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  #85  
Old 08-02-2011, 12:10 AM
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How is the roommate/living situation? Make any decisions?
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  #86  
Old 08-02-2011, 12:17 AM
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Things are quiet on the roommate front. No decisions... which, likely as not, is going to end up meaning a decision to stay. The roommates.com profile didn't yield any viable results... I messaged some people, but they all declined. I think it was just too much of a stretch to imagine finding a place for a couple with two pets on a roommate site.

I browsed the rental ads some more, but the places in our area are way too expensive for us, especially with Romeo's job going the way it is. They've been cutting his hours dramatically. This month he's only going to be working a total of 7 days, which he's going to try to supplement at another store as much as possible, but it's a really shaky situation.

Much as we all pretty much despise the living situation, we're essentially stuck here for another year.
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Old 08-03-2011, 02:45 PM
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I'm feeling pretty down today. Romeo and I got into a fight last night. I had a really hard time keeping up and figuring out what the fight was even about. It seemed like every time I started to get an idea what he was upset about, he'd switch topics and bring up something else that he was upset about, but continue on as though it were the same thing. I was very confused and frustrated.

We didn't come to any resolution, I guess we're going to have to keep talking about it today. Snuggling with him this morning was comforting. I don't look forward to re-opening that can of worms, but it is clear we have things we need to talk about.

I think the bottom line was that he felt that I don't take his feelings into consideration. Rather, as he put it, I don't think about him at all. Which I feel is patently untrue, but any time I tried to explain that, he'd bring up more of what he felt was evidence, and he'd say that actions speak louder than words. Any attempts I made at explaining myself were disregarded because I was "just trying to rationalize" my actions.

So yeah... I'm feeling pretty crummy today, actually.
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Old 08-03-2011, 03:09 PM
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((HUGS))

I know how crummy that can be. I read a good book (with a bad title), called Why Men Can't Commit. Stupid title, had nothing really to do with what the book was about. It was written by a male psychologist who worked with primarily male clientele. And he talked about how most men don't even know how to describe their emotions, let alone figure out what the problem is. Many will react with anger to any vulnerable emotion-- so while they may feel sad, what you will see is anger.

He also said so many men can't sit there and say "hey, I'm feeling (sad, unhappy, depressed, vulnerable), why is that?" and then figure out what the deep root of the issue is. Us women spend our whole lives doing that, so it's like second nature to try to figure out what's wrong, but men don't necessarily work that way. A lot of times they will just "feel bad/want it to stop", so if someone is making me feel bad, I want them to stop or go away, or whatever it takes to stop feeling bad.

Anyway... not sure that helps, but for me it helps sometimes to remember that when I'm getting a bad reaction that comes out of the blue and I have no idea why.

Honestly... this is why we have counselors. Because if your Romeo is like my hubs... he needs a third party to focus him because he won't listen to me AT ALL when he's upset.

Hope you feel better today.

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  #89  
Old 08-03-2011, 04:52 PM
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((Hugs!))

Complete sympathies, just finished a fight this morning via text (how messed up is that), but feeling better now.

I'm notorious for switching topics in the middle of a fight and using past incidents as ammunition for the current argument (not doing this anymore - or really trying), so I'll try to explain where Romeo is coming from. If you can remember the incidents he brought up, make a list. Each one of those items are things that are unresolved and are eating away at him. When all is calm, you guys will have to have a discussion about only dealing with one topic at a time (google non-violent communication).

When my husband will try to "explain" his actions, without apologizing first it comes across as he is trying to justify his behavior and doesn't need to apologize or even admit there was a misunderstanding. I need the apology first in order to diffuse my defenses. We are still working on this one.
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  #90  
Old 08-03-2011, 09:47 PM
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It's a terrible thing when someone starts to tell you about concerns, problems, or issues that are bothering them, and then the list keeps coming. To me, the things that are being talked about are actually less important than the fact that he kept it all bottled up inside him.

If I were you, that is what I would address -- it is not acceptable to let things slide and then explode with a shitload of crap that has been festering. It becomes ammunition -- and it is a way to throw someone off-balance. Of course, you didn't know what to say, of course you were thrown by it all, of course you were overwhelmed and confused -- you were bowled over by a tactical strategy he probably didn't even realize he was using.

Here you were, all this time, going along your merry way trusting that he was okay with stuff when he wasn't. That is not fighting fairly. What needs to happen for things to be resolved is that he talk about it when it comes up, so you can see it and work on it. I would tell him if these are things he feels are important, he needs to bring it up when it happens, when the feelings arise, not stuff it down and save it for another time. Because every time he does that, it becomes a mark against you that only he knows about, and eventually builds resentment. If he can feel that it's okay to talk about stuff as it occurs, those talks will likely be level-headed and honest, rather than big blow-out fights, which are so unnecessary. You can't tackle, or even see, everything that's bothering him when it's a surprise attack.
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