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  #11  
Old 06-09-2011, 05:01 PM
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vixtresses vixtresses is offline
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Ooh! Another person! (I'll get over the novelty of having actual people commenting on my blog one of these days, I suppose. For now, I'll continue being a dork about it. )

Yeah, I'm kind of liking that way of approaching things with OG myself. I'll probably do it something like that when DF finally decides "OK, let's do this".

I've been talking to DF some more today and last night about the timing of this whole thing. He told me he is just processing right now, that he's not feeling bad or uncomfortable or scared, it's just a lot to think about right now. He did say that he intends to give me the go-ahead soon, though, and that he's not going to try to have me hold out until he finds somebody.

You have a really good point about the whole temptation to cross boundaries thing. Things were easy and fun last night with OG, but the easy/fun aspect of things are a perfect environment for two people to grow closer and more intimate... which tends to lead to temptations to do things which would definitely be crossing boundaries right now.

I think he might not be actually on the prowl. I was just teasing him about the bounce in his step and the prettying up.

Anyway, I'm glad you think we're having a good start!

(And by the way, I like the set up of your siggy. I might just borrow that later on, if you don't mind).
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  #12  
Old 06-09-2011, 05:16 PM
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Oy, your blog is a pleasure to read! And I am happy things, and communication, are moving forward.

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Originally Posted by vixtresses View Post
(And by the way, I like the set up of your siggy. I might just borrow that later on, if you don't mind).
Go right ahead. I stole it from TruckerPete, myself .
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  #13  
Old 06-09-2011, 06:56 PM
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Why thank you! I'm quite pleased with the moving forward and communication stuffs, myself.
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Old 06-10-2011, 11:44 AM
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Developments!

First on the OG front. We went out for coffee last night, and then chilled at his place for a couple of hours. Lots of cuddling ensued. I fell asleep. He lay awake and later told me he wasn't sleeping, he was just happy and content. He was reluctant to see me go, and said something that made me think "hmm..." He was (mostly?) joking, I'm sure. "We need to arrange some kind of time share thing so you don't have to always go home!" I didn't say anything, since DF hadn't given the OK to go ahead yet, but MAN I wanted to ask about that. Ugh! That would've been a perfect opportunity to open up a conversation. Oh well.

And on the DF front, he did give me the official OK to go ahead last night, after verbalizing some specific concerns. He said he just wanted to make sure that I wouldn't be neglecting him for OG, that he still needs attention and affection (and other stuff ), and just to remember that he's there. I pretty much said that I have every intention of nurturing our relationship, but to pleasepleaseplease let me know if I'm forgetting to give him the attention he needs.

His other concerns involved what to tell other people, specifically our nosy roommates, and also some concerns about OG's feelings (aww!). I don't think we need to run around telling people, but I don't think it should be some Big Secret, either. And I think it's so sweet that DF is concerned about OG's feelings. I have some of the same concerns, but I think we'll just take it slow and see how it goes. I mean, whatever happens with OG may not even develop into a whole romantic relationship type thing. It could just stay a friendly thing, just with extra cuddles and the occasional sleep-over.

So yeah... Squeeeeee! I have the OK from DF to go ahead!

My poor therapist. I just told her last week about my attraction to OG. I'll be seeing her today with some major updates.
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Old 06-10-2011, 01:09 PM
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Yay!

Just to be clear; what did you and DF agree that could happen? Is it dates or sex or sleep-overs or can you start eventually calling OG your boyfriend or what now?
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  #16  
Old 06-10-2011, 01:59 PM
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Well, when we've been talking about this whole thing, we pretty much decided that trying to establish specific "do this, but don't do that" wouldn't work out very well for us. Since what we're pursuing is a relationship, not a fling or fuckbuddy, we thought that those kind of restrictions would sort of impede the natural development of a relationship.

I did want to make sure there were no "unspoken rules" or one-sided "understandings" about it, though, so I included the possibility of sex and sleep overs in our discussion. I said that while I was planning on taking it slow and just seeing how it developed, it could go faster than anticipated. Clear as mud?

I mentioned sleeping over, and he said he would be OK with it as long as I wasn't spending weeks at a time over there and never spending time with him. I reassured him that I was only thinking about something like a night every week or two at this point, and reiterated that I wanted to make absolutely sure he's not feeling neglected.

Really, all that's going to happen at this point is I'm going to probably mention to OG the whole "Oh, so DF is OK with us cuddling" thing and see where that goes/how he responds. DF knows that I am open to that leading where ever it leads, up to and including a relationship that could include sex. I haven't used the word "boyfriend", I don't think, DF and I have been using words like "relationship" and "loving other people".

Clear as mud?

Last edited by vixtresses; 06-10-2011 at 02:02 PM.
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Old 06-10-2011, 05:38 PM
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Hmm. Interesting. DF and I were talking again during my lunch break and happened up on a possible hitch. He had kind of assumed that by the time we get married (which is still up in the air, we've been talking about anytime between August this year and maybe April next year, but it's soonish), we'll be monogamous again, or I would have "quit my wandering" by then. Hmm.

We talked some more about it and I let him know that since we'd been using terms like "relationship" and "love", I had thought that we were talking about more potentially long term things, that wouldn't be simply cut off after our wedding.

So... potential big issue, but no apparent hurt feelings? There were no tears, no insults, there was no arguing. I mean, there was an obvious disagreement, and we're both going to be thinking about it and probably talking about it again.

He does seem to be hesitant and apprehensive about other people knowing what's going on. That's another potential issue.

He also is pretty uninterested in reading or joining this forum to learn more. He said he'd done a little reading online, though...

I'm a little concerned. So far, all of our interactions about this whole poly thing have been good. No apparent hurt feelings, no tears, no arguing. Almost too good. DF does have a tendency to keep quiet about things that bother him until they bother him TOO much, and it'll all come spilling out later on (usually it seems to coincide with a night of drinking). I've been trying to take care to offer him ample opportunity to voice concerns or fears or worries or hurts, and I've let him know that it's OK to feel any particular way that he feels, and he keeps reassuring me that he feels OK, that he's OK with this, that he wants me to be "free to explore who I am" and stuff.

I almost wonder if I should take him drinking to see if he suddenly spills his guts and tells me he hates the idea or something.

This is actually quite worrying, and I'm not sure if it's just me and my usual way of over analyzing things or if there's an actual reason to worry.
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Old 06-10-2011, 07:04 PM
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Adding to that, I had already talked a little bit (online, facebook IM) to OG about the cuddling thing and such. Jeez, a tiny little conversation and BAM! NRE kicked into OVERDRIVE.

It's DF's day off today, and especially with the potential issue in my previous post, I feel like I need to spend some quality time with him today. That's in direct conflict with my desire to go spend time with OG. Bah. Stupid NRE. Shuttup and let me sooth my fiance.

Anywho. I'm going to my therapy appointment in a bit (boy, that'll be interesting), and then afterwards I'll probably go get dinner fixings and try to cook dinner with DF. Priorities. Priorities. NRE can wait.

ETA: And I should probably turn off my phone. A text from OG will probably be VERY distracting.

ETA2: Does it even count as NRE if there hasn't been an official "THIS IS A RELATIONSHIP" conversation yet? Cause I'm totally all fluttery, and I'm pretty sure that counts.

Last edited by vixtresses; 06-10-2011 at 07:09 PM.
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  #19  
Old 06-12-2011, 02:22 AM
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Default I don't understand why this is going so well

(NOTE: I'm officially dubbing OG "Knight" in my blog. It suits his persona, and is much more flattering than "OG". I'm going to call DF "Romeo", which is an alteration of his middle name and sounds romantic and cute. )

I don't know what's making this go so smoothly, but please, for the love of whatever is holy out there, let this continue!

Romeo and I have continued talking (and talking) about this thing. We've addressed the assumption about postponing the marriage, and it was not something he was adamant about, it was just an assumption. We've still not set a date for a wedding, but we're not intentionally postponing one, either. If by the time we do get around to wedding planning(we're abysmally lazy and procrastinate like crazy), we're seriously involved in other relationship(s), our marriage will include those other relationships. We're most likely going to cut the "forsaking all others" bit out of our vows, or say them with a wink

On the Knight front... Gosh, I can't really separate the Knight thing from the Romeo thing. Let me just tell you all about yesterday and today.

Yesterday was Romeo's day off, and also my therapy appointment. Let's start with the therapy appointment. My poor therapist. LOL. Every time I come up with a potentially life-changing topic, of the sort that usually must be tiptoed around carefullly and examined from all sides, I end up bulldozing my way through it on my own from one week to the next, with great success. Same thing happened when I brought up reinstating contact with my father, who had been cut out of my life for 8 years until just recently, but I digress. So last week I had told my therapist about my attraction to Knight, and briefly mentioned poly. I had verbalized some apprehension about the potential for Romeo being intimate and loving with another woman. This week, I told her that Romeo and I have decided to give poly a try, and that I'm going ahead and pursuing the Knight thing, and that Romeo and I are going to maintain WIDE open lines of communication throughout this whole thing. She was definitely accepting, but a little confused as to what it was I was talking about. At first she thought I meant opening our relationship to sex with other people, not love. Once she realized I meant actual loving relationships in addition to my relationship with Romeo, she sort of understood, but still didn't seem to think of the other relationships as being "full" relationships. All the same, though. She was accepting, but baffled.

I really don't need to be in therapy, I don't think. We've mentioned more than once that it's probably more a security blanket for me than anything else. I intellectualize and analyze everything to an almost absurd degree. I really like having the validation, I guess. It's not really that I need help figuring things out or processing my feelings, it's just a sounding board where I can get another perspective and sort of double check that I'm not nuts. We talked (as we end up doing often) about whether to continue our sessions, and I decided that since starting this poly journey is likely to be something like inviting a roller coaster into my life, it's probably a good idea to hang onto my therapy sessions for the time being.

The rest of the evening, I spent time with Romeo. We went to dinner, talked and had great sex (that's been happening more often lately than usual). He asked me if I wanted to go spend the night with Knight. I asked if he was sure that was OK, and he said yeah, it was fine, he'd planned on staying up late playing Star Trek Online (S.T.O.) with the male half of our roommates anyway. I told him I'd keep my phone on loud, and made him promise that if he decided he was too uncomfortable with things or if he started hurting or anything, to call me and I'd come right home.

So... I texted Knight with my usual message, "poke". I waited. And waited. And waited! Torture, I tell you. He finally text me back when he got out of work around 11pm, and I asked if he felt like company. He said sure. I washed my face, put on my night cream, brushed my teeth, braided my hair (my usual bedtime routine), kissed Romeo goodbye, and headed over. We watched "The Jacket" together, all snuggled up. By the time the movie ended, it was really late. We stayed snuggled up for a little while, and I took my glasses off and started to doze off. After a few minutes he asked "... So, does this mean you're sleeping here?" I replied "If that's OK with you". He said of course. We settled down, cuddled up, and went to sleep.

It took me a little longer than usual to actually fall asleep. He held me close, and I was just absorbing it all. OMG holy crap, I'm sleeping in Knight's bed. Romeo is at home, he knows I'm here, and he's actually OK with that. I did finally get to sleep, though. And, I'll have you know, we were just sleeping together, not having sex or even making out or anything. Just.... cuddling. It was great!

In the morning, I woke up early, at about 7:30 am. Not usual for a Saturday morning. I poked and pestered Knight to wake up, and we goofed around a little (poking or pinching or tickling) and then I checked my phone. Romeo had just text me a few minutes before I woke up, and asked about breakfast. I text him back and asked what he wanted for breakfast, we settled on our favorite restaurant, and I asked him if I could bring company. He said company was fine. So... the three of us went to breakfast together!

There wasn't any strange tension or anything between Knight and Romeo. They know each other, haven't been particularly close, but they've generally always gotten along and joked around and shared a similar sense of humor. This morning was no different, they joked around a little and generally just kept things light and easy. Breakfast went great, and as I was driving back, I assumed I was taking Knight back to his apartment so I could spend some time with Romeo. As I passed the intersection leading back to Romeo's and my apartment, Romeo asked "wait, aren't you going back to the apartment?", so I turned around and went back to the apartment. We all hung around for most of the day. Romeo played his video games, I did some laundry, Knight switched back and forth between offering a running commentary on Romeo's video games and surfing the internet.

I think my roommates raised an eyebrow at seeing Knight here so early... I'm not sure if they know I spent the night over there or not. Romeo and I would just as soon not tell them anything just yet, so... We didn't say anything, they didn't ask.

Later on, Knight and I went to the grocery store to get lunch fixings, and Knight fixed some sandwiches for all of us. Basically, it was a really good day. Every now and then, if I had a moment alone with Romeo, I'd ask him really quick "How are you doing, A Cutie, is everything OK?" (My pet name for him is a Cutie. Don't ask me why it's "A" Cutie instead of just Cutie. No clue, it just is. ) And he'd reassure me that everything was fine.

It was a really great day! I spent time with Romeo AND Knight, at my apartment, with no weird tension, AND I got a bunch of laundry done.

Knight had to go to work at 5:30, though, so I took him home to get ready at around 3:45. (Knight doesn't have a car, don't know if I've mentioned that before). We ended up with time to spare, so we snuggled up some more in the meantime. He rents a room in a house, and one of his best friends rents another room in the house, so he's technically a neighbor, but I'm just going to call him his roommate to keep things simple. His roommate drops by at random all the time, and has been utterly convinced for the past couple of weeks that Knight and I have been fucking. Today, I guess I just couldn't wipe the silly smile off my face, and he must have figured it was the sex kind of silly smile. He said something like "Oooh, girl you've been bad, it's written all over your face". LOL. If only he knew.

On the way to Knight's job, I talked to him a bit about our... Well, I'd mentioned at some point that our cuddling and such was a breeding ground for attractions to grow, sexual or romantic. I mentioned that again, and reiterated that Romeo was OK with things, and that I had no intention of hiding anything from Romeo. I said that there was a certain "forbidden fruit" factor to my attraction to him before I'd opened up to Romeo about it, and that I wanted to be sure to remove the forbidden fruit factor from the equation so that anything that might develop would not be based on anything questionable. There's more to it than that, we had spoken yesterday online a little about the whole attraction thing and a potential issue he might have with it, but bottom line is there is an open line of dialogue between us about it now. And it seems very healthy to me. He expressed appreciation for my sincerity and openness, and said that it was a rare thing. He also doesn't like secretive situations.

So... Knight and I aren't officially "together" or anything, I'm hoping we can take it pretty slow in the physical sense. One thing I've noticed since opening up to Romeo about Knight is that the sexual tension has... not died off, not gone away, per se, but it's lessened, and it feels less urgent and nagging. Now when I snuggle close to Knight, it's happy and peaceful instead of "ooh, is this wrong? Should I not be doing this? Hmm, the possibly naughtiness of it is kinda turning me on..." I'm not sure what that means. There's definitely still physical chemistry, though. Plenty of it. It's just not so pressing that I'm fighting myself to keep from jumping him and making out or anything. I'd rather enjoy things as they happen, as slowly and teasingly as they happen. I hope they happen.

I think this is going well! Squee!
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  #20  
Old 06-13-2011, 11:47 AM
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Things are still going obscenely well. Seriously. When things go this well, I start worrying the universe is just fucking with me.

Spent a good bit of the weekend with Knight. Talked lots. I actually showed him this place and this blog, since I thought it would give a bit more insight than I am able to verbally articulate into what my intentions are.

Romeo is still doing fine. He went drinking with a couple of our friends and told them about opening up our relationship. That went better than he expected. He was pretty much expecting to be met with disgust and a lecture, but they were quite supportive, if not entirely understanding.

They really didn't seem to understand the concept of poly AT ALL, though. They are utterly convinced that Romeo and I are trying new things out of dissatisfaction with one another. I spoke to one of them on the phone afterward, and he pretty much said that "well, obviously there's something missing in the relationship if you have to try this to save it". I was like... I tried explaining it to him, but he just really didn't get it. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Poly really is pretty outside the norm, I guess.

Romeo was pretty drunk after the night out with those two friends last night, though, so I figured it would be a perfect opportunity to see if his feelings while uninhibited are true to the feelings he's expressed sober. Yep, he's definitely OK with this. He even said something I thought was sooooo sweet I almost teared up, "Just don't break Knight's heart". He's concerned about Knight's feelings! Knight is concerned about Romeo's feelings! They're not behaving like rivals!

I'm just... I'm just over the moon elated right now. I don't know how this is going so well, but I'm incredibly grateful.
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