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  #51  
Old 09-02-2011, 03:47 PM
Bangel Bangel is offline
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Dingedheart,
There are no kids, but what I do worry about and I find that most of my day is now filled with this is that he lives right upstairs from us, so me leaving just feels like I am giving them what they would want which is unlimited time alone. I feel I would just be forgotten about. I know I need to start worrying more about myself and working on trying to make myself happy, but she has been such a big part of my life for so ling that now my happiness is connected to her's. I have approach the subject of counseling but she feels she would not get anything out of it but I should probably go because she feels I could us it. Maybe she is right. This whole thing has made me question what kind of man I am, do I stand strong to me beliefs and ideals or do I pretend that I am okay with this for her sake. Then I worry would I be able to come around or just quitely hold everything in just for her sake. Where do I go from here?
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  #52  
Old 09-02-2011, 04:30 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I think it's pretty telling that she feels this is your problem.....deal with or don't she's made up her mind. I think you should go talk with a counselor if for no other reason to get your happiness untangled from hers.....and there are such things as deal breakers. Maybe if she is unwilling to go as a couple ....at least she could put things on hold until you had a few sessions to talk with someone....perhaps run that by her......this will also give you an indication on how willing she is to negotiate ....and/or her commitment to your relationship.
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  #53  
Old 09-02-2011, 05:00 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bangel View Post
I have approach the subject of counseling but she feels she would not get anything out of it but I should probably go because she feels I could us it.
To me this says, she just doesn't give a shit about your relationship. I agree with DH, go and get your happiness untangled from hers. Unfortunately, I had to make counseling our deal breaker. It was literally "We have an appointment on Wednesday (it was Monday), go with me or divorce paperwork is filed on Thursday." He went.
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  #54  
Old 09-02-2011, 05:00 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Bangel,
Do you really feel you would "just be forgotten about"?
Do you feel you've made no impact on her life, on her heart?
Do you believe she could be happier with the man upstairs?

If you believe these things deep in your heart, leaving may be something to consider. But if you doubt them, I'd say stay. Stand firm, if you really believe your marriage is worth it. Focus on you and try to be patient while she figures it out. Pick up a new hobby to keep your mind occupied. Would that hurt you, to do something you're interested in?? And I'd definitely go to see a therapist, whether she goes or not. I've never heard of anyone regretting their time spent talking to a counselor, trying to discover more about themselves. It can be VERY beneficial.
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  #55  
Old 09-02-2011, 05:06 PM
Bangel Bangel is offline
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Carma,
Thank you for the insight. I know I have made a impact on her life because on many occasions she has told me "If I wanted to leave I would" I know she loves me. And I hope she would not leave me for the man upstairs. ( I like that) As for coming up with more hobbies it is hard for me to concentrate on other things while living in Limbo like this. I think I will see about getting an appointment with a counsler if anything for my own benefit.
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  #56  
Old 09-04-2011, 09:56 AM
sugarhigh980 sugarhigh980 is offline
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IMHO, your wife should definitely be willing to see a therapist with you. Even if you begin to see a therapist on your own and bring her to a session or two (my therapist has offered this as an option when I talk about problems with my husband). If she truly loves you and wants to continue in a relationship with you, she should be willing to work through this WITH you. I have no experience in poly, but have begun to consider it and I believe my husband is mono like you (I haven't breached the subject with him yet), so I would really like to see things work out for you! The fact that you are still with her says a lot about your love for her, and I think that could be your "bargaining chip" to get her to a therapist with you. "I'm still here, and I'm still trying - please do this with me, for us" or something along those lines. Please keep us updated.
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  #57  
Old 09-05-2011, 05:25 PM
hoorayjeebus hoorayjeebus is offline
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Bangel,

I've glad you've found a forum with so many supportive people.

I am also a mono husband who has had difficulty dealing with my wife's poly inclinations. (but the other guy wasn't living upstairs...yikes!)

I don't have much more advice to give you about your relationship. It sounds like you're doing the best you can to understand your wife's feelings and to be accommodating to her. Don't blame yourself that you honestly feel distressed about sharing her with someone else. Some couples take years before they feel comfortable opening up their relationship (and some couples can't do it at all - that is OK too)

Try to love yourself and be good to yourself. I know this situation is freaking you out, but it's not the whole of your life. You can keep a kernel of self-love alive in even the most desperate times. Try to find that in yourself, and keep that going.

Instead of picking a hobby to distract yourself (i.e. pretend the situation doesn't exist), maybe try an activity that drives you deeper into yourself? Something that lets you focus on yourself, give free expression to, and release some of that pain. I've personally found physical exercise (jogging, weight training, yoga) as well as meditation, and creative activities (playing a musical instrument, writing in a journal, sketching, drawing, etc) to be very helpful. If I had to pick 3 things I would say that yoga, journal writing (sometimes after a few beers), and meditation have been the most helpful.

The more you can love yourself, and be a friend to yourself, the easier this transition will be.
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  #58  
Old 09-08-2011, 03:47 PM
kateslove kateslove is offline
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Hi Bangel, Your posts have really struck a chord for me.

My husband and I have been married for seven years. We have definitely had our ups and downs. For the most part, we have a very good marriage and happy family. We have a son (2), a daughter (6), and another daughter (15) who is mine from a previous relationship but considers my hubby her father.

Through the years I have developed feelings for other men (twice to be exact). The first time this happened I ended up cutting ties with the other guy in order to keep my marriage intact. I also have to mention that I never had physical affairs with either of these men. Currently, I have met another gentleman who I find intriguing and interesting. We have much in common as far as our interests go and this is how we happened to meet each other. After over a year of texting and chatting over the internet (he lives in another state, but we have all met in person as well) our relationship evolved. It was completely unintentional and actually seemed quite natural. Behind my husbands back we began having some pretty heavy conversations about our desire to take things further. Included in these conversations was my desire to be honest with my husband and an evolution of my beliefs on monogamy etc. I have pondered open marriages/relationships in the last few years, but this is the first time I seriously started considering it and actually began voicing it to someone (which felt amazing and freeing). Unfortunately, my husband found out what was going on before I found the courage to be honest about what I was thinking and feeling. Included were some pretty explicit photos said gentleman sent me on my cell. When my husband found out what was going on I leveled with him immediately. I think he and I both love each other very much and we are both very committed to our marriage, this helps very much as each of our feelings get much consideration. I am not saying we haven't had moments of anger, fear and irrationality but in the end our love does bring us back to neutral ground. I do not want to lose him, but I have to be honest. I am afraid if I am not this will be a continuous cycle in our marriage. I honestly believe we will be able to achieve some common ground, but this process is scary most definitely.

The first thing we did was order the book "The Ethical Slut". We have been reading the book together. I think it is somewhat helpful, but the hubby is having a really hard time understanding it all as he is also a "mono guy". To be quite honest it has been hard for me to digest it at times. Thinking about it, is much different than acting on it. I am still in contact with the other man, but we have cooled it quite a bit. We both feel it is pertinent that we give my husband the time he needs to make careful and rational decisions in this situation. I have no intention of acting on these feelings until we are all on the same page, I am not sure at this point if that is even an achievable goal. My husband has had a very difficult time with my unwillingness to cut things off completely with the other gentleman until we figure this out. I will not commit to that as I feel it is very important at this point to be painfully honest, part of that is the fact that I want to continue a relationship/friendship with said gentleman whether or not we are ever able to take it to the next level. There is a physical attraction but beyond that and prior to all of this he and I had established a pretty solid friendship. On the flip side of that, if my husband demands that we have no communication in order to save the marriage I will conform. My husband and children are my world and I am willing to walk away if I have to, but I feel in all fairness and for my happiness and benefit this is something that needs to be explored in order to ensure we don't create anger and resentment in our marriage. I also truly believe in the end, if we allow it, we will only be closer and have a much more honest foundation. I have truly felt relief and closer to my husband since sharing these feelings. I'm out of the closet and I am ready to be honest about this.

The reason I am sharing this with you is because, much of what you have stated here are the exact fears my husband is experiencing. I believe you two have much to offer the mono partners here, also each other and to others here that are seeking a polyamorous lifestyle. Although I understand where my hubby is coming from, seeing how you were responding to all of this helped me gain more insight into what my husband is going through. I want to go through this with him. I don't want him to feel alone as you have, he and I are just learning about this .... it's going to take time and I am more than willing to take things slowly. We aren't in a hurry. After all we are adding (or maybe not) an entirely new dynamic to our relationship and it needs careful consideration and intense dialogue so all involved can be comfortable and informed.
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  #59  
Old 09-12-2011, 11:17 AM
Allstar Allstar is offline
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Bangel I hear what you are saying. Fellow mono here. I am not married and kind of ended up in this by pure happenstance. I went through the same issues. Analyze every thought and feeling. Really it will take time but in the long run it will help. Read Read Read and Talk Talk Talk. I lost my mind before my SO saw her other partner once, she barely even talked to me for the weekend. It was horrible when I went through it. I managed to find out the roots of my problems, fear of being replaced/left and am I enough. Talk to her about your fears. Tell her they are very real and ask her to explain things to you. Hearing how different the other relationship was helped me out. I am in no way 100% ok with it, probably 80-85%. Tell her what you will need out of the relationship if she is going to be with the other person. I am not saying you ever have to get on board, you are within your right to tell her this isn't for you. But if you are willing to try here are some readings that will help, xeromag.com and The Ethical Slut. I like the Ethical Slut, in the chp about jealousy they actually wrote about the arguements and pain, it let me know that I am not crazy and I am having a normal reaction. It seems like you have done what I did. I was angry and lashed out. Rightly so, but try to filter (extremely hard for me) what you are going to say. Let that angry snappy phrase roll around in your mind for a few seconds before you fling it like a dagger at her. Most likely you will change the wording so you don't hurt her. She isn't doing this to hurt you, remember that, so don't try to hurt her just because of the way you feel. I learned this the hard way. Feel free to message me if you want to talk.
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  #60  
Old 09-19-2011, 02:20 PM
Bangel Bangel is offline
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Every day is getting harder and harder for me, I now realize I am probably the most disliked person in my house. Think of taking some time away and seeing where the cards fall. I know she loves me and I love her but have such difficulty thinking of her with someone else. If she would be at least happy with him then maybe that is where she belongs. I do thank you all for your support and kind words of encouragement but this is not the life for me. I wish all of you the best in your love and lives and hope all of you find happiness.
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