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  #41  
Old 06-18-2011, 05:17 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Red face Fears...

Bangel, I have just recently entered a poly-mono relationship where my wife has started a relationship with one of my best friends. She has felt poly for years, but have just recently admitted to herself and to me that she does in fact love someone else with the same intensity as she does me. I had very many of the same reactions you are having. And I still struggle, oh believe me, but I have already learned a few things:

- Why am I not enough for her? You ARE. Or rather, YOU are. You can be everything she needs from YOU, but not everything she needs in life. Noone can. And some people have the amazing gift to not only feel "like" and "appreciate" also intense love for another person. This does NOT mean you share her. I have still get that feeling over and over, and the only thing I can do to cope is to tell myself the truth. I do not SHARE her. She has two very distinct and separate compartments in her heart. I am in one, here OSO is in the other.

- Can you not choose to not love someone? Ask a parent of two or more kids, "who do you love the most? Pick one, give the other one away. You can only pick one." I think most people would consider that inhumane and cruel. At some point along the way, we lose the ability to feel this. We are programmed into monogamy.

Now, it seems you have had an extremely rough start, but I would highly recommend trying the following:
Tell your wife in a calm and positive manner that you don't understand her point of view, the concept of sharing her scares you, and you have flailed at her. Ask for her patience and tell her you love her.
Then, go get yourself a book. Not a computer, but a notebook and a pen, and start writing. If you are adept at writing on a computer, it won't help you. Start writing down how you feel, what scares you, and if you use the word "jealous", stop right there, and spend time examining what the word means. I bet you a cold beer you can replace it with "afraid" most of the time. There are some VERY wise people on this forum, listen to them. It has already helped me immensely.

And make peace with your friend. You'll need him. And he needs you. Your wife needs you too, but for every time you flail and confuse and scare her, you push her a little bit further away. If she is truthful about choosing you as her primary, if she IS really poly, this is terrifying for her too.

I have used rivers as an analogy to explain to my partner what I feel. I see her in front of me, and a river flows between us. It's deep and wide, warm and calm, yet can still be frothy and steaming. Between her and her OSO, in another direction, the river is churning, frothing, overflowing and intense....and narrow...and shallow... :-) I know it's difficult to pull yourself away from that river, cause it looks more exciting, and yes, right now it IS, it's the new car smell. Live in the knowledge that it fades, that river will calm down too. It may, if you're lucky, merge partly with yours, or it might not. But trust in your own river, pour yourself into YOUR river, don't try to swim their river. You are not a part of it. Just remember to be a part of yours. And love yourself. You are not defined by her love for you, but by YOUR love for yourself!

When you have written all of this down, tidy your fears into wants and needs, what can you live with, do you trust yourself enough to trust your wife? What is the bigger picture? What does she want in the long run? Asking her what she wants in the long run, in a CALM setting, non-confrontary, non-sulking, can give you surprising answers...

*hugs*

Last edited by ClosetPoly; 06-18-2011 at 05:23 PM.
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  #42  
Old 06-23-2011, 06:14 PM
Bangel Bangel is offline
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Well her is the latest, the wife went away on vacation last week and has come back with she will not pursue this because she feels it is ripping our "FAMILY" apart, this includes the Friend. I thought I would fell happy about this decision but I am not as happy as I thought I would be. I am not sure why. With all of this I have been putting myself and my relationship under a microscope and am not liking what I am seeing about myself. I do have some fear issues I need to work through, I do need to work on my insecurities as well. Wondering if therapy would be my next step. Also given alot of thought about the word Family lately. If a family is health and happy they show affection towards one another in the forms of hugs and touches and kissing. Maybe if I were to think of it this way maybe I would be okay with this type of affection. Maybe this would be enough for everyone involved. At least it would be a step in a new direction. I do not want them to think they cannot be affectionate at all, if we are a family I want us all to be happy, and a happy family is a loving family which shows affection. I myself need to be comfortable with showing affection and be comfortable with affection being done in front of me. What do you all think?
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  #43  
Old 06-23-2011, 09:37 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Bangel...

In my personal experience... I'm finding that any issue that comes up with poly isn't related to the other relationship itself, but is a light shining on where there is work I need to do. For myself... nobody else. I'm realizing I spent a lot of time not dealing with things completely, and they're finally coming back and begging for attention.

This is a GOOD thing.

It might be best not to try to do nonmonogamy while you and your relationship is not on a sturdy foundation... or maybe it is. We're working with both right now, and it's doable, but then I've been nonmonogamous in mindset for a long time. What I'm finding is that this is an opportunity for me to delve into what's going on with me. What's causing my insecurities and fears, what have I not been dealing with. Nowadays I'm a bit more stable, but it's up and down right now, and I think will be as I work on myself more. But I think sometimes, had we not chosen this way of life... I could have gone on for years pushing through emotion instead of experiencing it, and clinging to my partner instead of cherishing him and learning to cherish me.

How sad would that be?
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  #44  
Old 06-24-2011, 02:35 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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may I suggest the reason you don't feel as good as you thought is because you can't un ring the bell. Her desire to be with someone else is still there....she just doesn't want to lose the family over it. And your still left reconciling the why wasn't I good enough type questions.... or will this come back in the future?....is this really dead? ....or just kicked down the road.
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  #45  
Old 06-24-2011, 02:39 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
may I suggest the reason you don't feel as good as you thought is because you can't un ring the bell. Her desire to be with someone else is still there....she just doesn't want to lose the family over it. And your still left reconciling the why wasn't I good enough type questions.... or will this come back in the future?....is this really dead? ....or just kicked down the road.
This.
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  #46  
Old 06-24-2011, 02:42 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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You can very well turn this around, by taking this opportunity to talk about it.
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ationships.pdf

Check out attachment 2, Fourteen steps to opening a monogamous relationship. As dingedheart points out, the need is probably still there. Read the steps together, give your wife a copy, talk about them...do this for yourself.
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  #47  
Old 06-24-2011, 02:46 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
may I suggest the reason you don't feel as good as you thought is because you can't un ring the bell. Her desire to be with someone else is still there....she just doesn't want to lose the family over it. And your still left reconciling the why wasn't I good enough type questions.... or will this come back in the future?....is this really dead? ....or just kicked down the road.
I second this.
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  #48  
Old 08-26-2011, 03:48 PM
Bangel Bangel is offline
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Default Not so New but Still Scared

Well it has been awhile since my last post, the world around me is falling down. The wife has decided that she cannot handle trying to make everyone happy and be supportive of everyone else. She has been in a terrible mood these last couple of days, always anger not really talking. I feel like I am walking on eggshells all day around her so as not to upset her. I feel that if I do one more thing wrong that will be the straw. In many ways I just want this all to end. I have never felt so depressed and uncomforable in my own home, and it seems the same for everyone else. Our house use to be fun and happy and has turned into this house of sorrow and contempt. Relationships are falling apart and I see my future being alone left with nothing but this deep feeling of disapointment. The freindship with the friend has become very little if anything at all. Now the other friends are getting wind of what is happening in our home and they have rather strong feelings about the situation. All are against this and cannot belive I am still in the house or the marriage. I love her so much but I am now wondering if I am the one for her. It just seems I keep messing up and she just gets more and more upset with me. Maybe I am just not cut out for relationships at all. IF this marriage cumbles and falls apart I do not think I will do this again.
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  #49  
Old 08-26-2011, 04:51 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Is it possible for you and the kids (if any ) could leave ....let her figure out what's important and how she sees her future and what role she see you having.

I wouldn't worry about walking softly as to not upset her....she angry at herself ....at you .....her life choices....your life choices....if you haven't already tried this....marriage counseling. Her not talking will make this hard to solve.
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  #50  
Old 08-26-2011, 09:19 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Bangel, I don't see why you can't talk to her about this and tell her everything you wrote in your latest post. If not, what about therapy?
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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