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  #21  
Old 06-09-2011, 10:21 PM
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River River is offline
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Maybe what I've written here makes my point more clear?
Sure! But you weren't really unclear to begin with. I merely wanted to point out that while we can bring all kinds of particular meanings to sex, sex itself has its own meanings independently of what we bring to it.

Oftentimes, we bring meanings to sex which we've not considered carefully at all -- such as the one where sex = loving (of a particular kind) which must be exclusive in order for it to be "real love" -- or expression thereof. That can be shown to be false, if we're willing to examine it carefully -- since "romantic" love of the most satisfying kind can be sexually and emotionally non-monogamous (which is a fact, not a speculation). That is, it is a fact if we can accept the testimony of the MILLIONS of people who experience it as such.
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  #22  
Old 06-12-2011, 03:33 PM
Bangel Bangel is offline
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Default Rough Day

Yesterday was a great day for me and the wife, went to the beach to help her parents with the cottage. A day filled with laughter and love. Today woke alone in bed and I knew where she was, upstairs with the friend. All my emotions came running back, why can I not remove these feelings? Why do I feel so alone in this? She is going away on vacation this week, I am sure it is to decompress from all that is going on in our lives right now. I tried to get her to talk the other night but she just shut down on me. I needed her to talk about her fears in this but she just does not want to talk about these things. Maybe I think it would help me if I knew shehad the same fears as I do, or if she has any fears about this. I find myself sitting alone in our apartment like a benched player waiting to be called into the game. Do any other Monos feel this way?
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  #23  
Old 06-13-2011, 03:21 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default sports and poly

Bangel,

There are all sorts of potential reasons why your wife shut down recently. It might be she is overwhelmed with feelings and can't process any more, even if you need her to. She may not want to hurt you by openly discussing what's going on with her, your relationship, the relationship with the friend. (Gecko has a recent thread that touches on this.) She might be so anxious and fearful (losing you, losing the friend, losing the life she knew) that she shuts down.

I know I shut down when I can't process something anymore - because of pain, or exhaustion, or just too much-ness. I wish I had something more immediately helpful to suggest than being as patient as you can manage. And, yes, she needs patience with you too.

Also I was struck by the analogy of being the benched player waiting on the bench to be called in. You were the star player, lets say in basketball, and you're good, so there was no competition. Now, you are still a star but not the only one. To extend the analogy, your wife is asking you to be a team player more than you ever have been before. This is very, very hard.

Also, there is the point at which the analogy breaks down. If you and your wife are working towards ethical non-monogamy, you are NOT actually in competition with the friend for your wife. I have no doubt that it feels that way. But you are not replaceable; you can't be swapped out with a new model. You contribute something unique and irreplaceable to your relationship with your wife. Perhaps once your wife can process and talk things out with you, that will become clearer.
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  #24  
Old 06-13-2011, 03:30 AM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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personally, as well as talking to my wife, I've found that talking with her BF calms my nerves sometimes. it's one thing to hear from her that everything is ok. it's something completely different to hear it from him. he and I have become fairly decent friends. I think we'll be better friends once I'm back in the country. hope this helps.
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  #25  
Old 06-13-2011, 06:20 PM
Bangel Bangel is offline
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I seem to be having issues with wanting to remain friends with him, I have such anger towards him, i know that my wife get frustrated with me because she feels no matter haow many time she tells me that she loves me and will not leave me she seems to think I do not listen. I here her but the words are hard to swallow. But i guess that is the Mono inside me, if she truely loved me would she not want to be with me and only me. But then I guess the same arguement can be made at me that if I truely love her would I not want her happy and get everything she wants out of life? I really question if I can do this or not. I see alot of success stories but also some pretty bad disaters. I think that sometimes I am the lone man here, 2 for 1 against. Majority rules. Having another hard day if you haven't noticed. Sometime it is nice to vent when I know the other two don't want to talk about it. Sorry I rant like I do but I have to get this out otherwise it festers and turns into another emotional outburst. THank you all for listening ( READING) to me.
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  #26  
Old 06-13-2011, 06:42 PM
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Default A Bun Dance -- Rather than Scare City.

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Originally Posted by Bangel View Post
.... if she truely loved me would she not want to be with me and only me? ....
This is our present culture's default setting assumption, to use computer talk. So, it is understandable that you might have difficulty imagining any other approach as valid, virtuous and real.

I can't help wondering if the myth of God creating Adam and Eve (rather than Adam, Eve, Steve, Robert, Anne, Jenny, Lary, and Joni ...) in the mythical original Garden isn't the basis of this fantastic notion about love. What could have caused us to cling to this dyadic image of the one and only "true love"?

Love is not like pie or cake or cookies. Unlike these, giving some away doesn't cause one to end up with less. One more often has more love when giving it to several than less. And why does one's wife's love of another seem to suggest she loves you less? These two facts are not necessarily related at all. I can appreciate huevos rancheros AND spaghetti maranara -- equally (and I do).

The source of love is a lackless awareness, really. It overflows with itself in abundance.

Which is why, I think, we should hold more bun dances. Dancing our buns we can learn to eradicate illusory scare-city.
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Last edited by River; 06-13-2011 at 06:45 PM.
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  #27  
Old 06-13-2011, 07:11 PM
curley5363 curley5363 is offline
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Default Hi from Northwest, FL

Hello everyone,

Obviously I am new here. My husband and I have been married for almost ten years now and have always had an unusual relationship. Both being musicians he gets hit on a lot so our agreement has always been as long as you bring them home to share. We recently ended a live-in situation with another female as things were not working out on her end.

We have only lived in the area for a year and find it difficult to find like minded people. Would love to meet local people for friendship or???
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  #28  
Old 06-13-2011, 07:33 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default bun???

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Originally Posted by River View Post
Which is why, I think, we should hold more bun dances. Dancing our buns we can learn to eradicate illusory scare-city.
River,

What's a bun dance? Is it shaking one's booty? I love doing that but have yet to achieve greater comprehension of the universe, or myself.

Bangel,

You do not need to be best buds with the friend. It's not required. In fact, you do not need to like said friend. But you will have to deal with him respectfully and honestly if you want to build a healthy non-monogamous relationship with your wife.

I feel sometimes that when I tell my spouse that I love her and will not leave her, my words go into a black hole where they disappear and have no effect. She does not believe me. It's frustrating when a loved one seems not to believe in one's love, even when openly and often stated and shown through deeds, not just words.

There are some things I cannot 'fix' for my spouse. Difficulty with accepting love is rooted in her internal mental, emotional and spiritual landscape. I can't make her feel secure by words, and not immediately at least, by deeds. Ultimately, you are the only one who can provide security for yourself. This does not mean your wife has no impact on you or does not have to do anything to help you feel more secure. Also the friend has a part to play in this as well. Not talking to you does not help at all.

However she may be experiencing similar frustration I've had over the years. Reassuring you may feel pointless if there seems to be no outward effect. Perhaps you can ask her what would be something you can say or do to indicate that you heard her - truly - tell you she loves you and will not leave. And, of course, she should not expect full acceptance or understanding overnight, or even anytime soon. But perhaps some token that you heard her, even as poly/non-monogamy is very undecided for you.
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  #29  
Old 06-13-2011, 08:18 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
You do not need to be best buds with the friend. It's not required. In fact, you do not need to like said friend. But you will have to deal with him respectfully and honestly if you want to build a healthy non-monogamous relationship with your wife.
Just for clarification purposes, the guy already was Bangel's best friend:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bangel View Post
My wife of 4 years has recently told me that she is in love with my bestfriend who lives upstairs from us . . . I have not spoken to my best friend in a week because I feel that if he was my friend he would have stepped away.
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  #30  
Old 06-13-2011, 08:25 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
You do not need to be best buds with the friend. It's not required. In fact, you do not need to like said friend.
I think this may be part of the problem. If I read it correctly, he was Bangel's friend first. I imagine it might feel like the wife stole the friend and the friend stole the wife, so two losses at once. Logically, we know that's not really how it is, but gut reaction and emotions are not always ruled by logic and fact.

Sorry, I don't have any advice to offer.
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