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  #111  
Old 02-08-2012, 04:01 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Very sorry to hear things are getting worse. Perhaps your return was construe as something it was not. You don't have to settle...you shouldn't settle. Trust me lives too short to live (?)amount of the time in pain and anxiety. You know what feels good, or right ...and you know what feels bad and wrong. Go find the good and right fitting. This might never really work for you no matter how much time, therapy, behavior modification techniques are used.

Trust your gut on this...

The numbers actually work in your favor.....millions and millions of women want to be the sole focus of their husband/partners romantic interest ...go find one of them.
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  #112  
Old 02-08-2012, 04:10 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Hi Bangel,
Sorry for you. I can relate, somewhat.

We're living under the same roof while my husband carries on his wild romance with his gf. I realized that our marriage is over. It may have worked differently if Sun had been more honest with both me and his gf, but it took the course it took and that is that.

We have hired attorneys, we are working on a dissolution of the marriage.

It is so hard to see him come and go every day, my ego has a hard time knowing he has chosen her over me. But -- I have chosen me over HIM! I can't be the woman he wants and needs right now, and I cannot accept things as they are(/were/would likely continue to be) in this relationship. I can't believe how much personal growth and transformation I have experienced since he started seeing her. Most of it through excruciating pain.

An interesting thing just happened over the weekend. I had a revelation, to look at Sundance as a brother, instead of a husband or a lover. My entire perspective has shifted. I feel more loving towards him than I have in MONTHS. I'm kind of playing tricks on my brain. It seems to be working. (I'm going to post some of this on my blog, too).

Hugs, B. I hope things work out for you soon.
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  #113  
Old 04-11-2012, 12:38 PM
Bangel Bangel is offline
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Well it is official, we willbe getting a divorce. She cannot be with just one of us. It is all or nothing for her and since I cannot get my head and heart around this she has decided to call our marriage quits. It is hard and hurts very much knowing I cannot make this better for her. Also the man upstairs is also moving out. We are all going our seperate ways. It is sad knowing that something so good has to end this way but we all have to follow what are hearts are telling us. We have not started any of the divorce porceedings yet and realy haven't talked about it at all accept that she wants to go our seperate ways.
I want to thank all of you for our concern and words of advice and encouragement. You have all been so nice when dealing with me and my situation. I cannot tell you how much it has meant to me. THANK YOU ALL!!!
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  #114  
Old 04-11-2012, 01:17 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I am sorry Bangel.
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  #115  
Old 04-11-2012, 01:18 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Very sorry your marriage is ending. I hope that process goes smoother then the lead up to it. I know you're hurt and depressed and possibly apathetic but you need to separate those feels from the business of divorce. She decided...she wants....she needs........you need to stand up for what's fair and what YOU want....don't hurt yourself further by rolling over because the pain makes you not care right now. Wait if you have to.

Good luck in the future. D
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  #116  
Old 04-11-2012, 07:14 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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So sorry, Bangel.

My marriage is ending too. I moved out last week. It's so weird, I thought I would be the one who could share, but I couldn't. Well, not with his lying, anyway.

One thing I learned through this, I was not happy in my marriage. I swept a lot of things under the rug, always just trying to "look at the bright side." Guess what? It's a lot brighter, here in my new house!

I hope you will go on to a good life. My heart goes out to you.
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  #117  
Old 04-12-2012, 10:45 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Oh I am so sorry to hear that Bangel. I'm sorry you are hurting, you and Carma.
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  #118  
Old 04-12-2012, 11:36 PM
nllswing nllswing is offline
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I have been reading thing thread for the last few days. So much to learn, and so depressing to read. I reminded me of how grateful I must be for what I have and how fragile file and happiness can be!

Carma and Bangel, I hope and pray that life will turn better for both of you in the near future. Thank you both for sharing.
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  #119  
Old 08-08-2013, 02:28 PM
Bangel Bangel is offline
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Well it has been over a year since I last posted or even been on the site. Here is the update. We have not gotten a divorce yet but I did move out again in Dec. She continues to see him and myself and they have started a sexual relationship about a month after I moved out. She has also started to spend the nights at his house as well. There is almost no communication about this unless I ask and then it usually starts some sort of fight between us. This is just becoming so tiring. She gave me a letter a few weeks ago that was addressed to both me and him which basically said her choice was both of us and that we needed to make our choice of if we wanted to stay or leave. Maybe I am just holding on to something from the past and need to learn to let it go. I told her that I would stay and fight for us because I still believed in us. I love her so much and it is hard to let go of your heart. Things just seem so unbalanced now. I have no idea of what she is doing from day to day, I have no insight to her life. She is living two separate lives and the two will seem to never meet. I feel for her and her heart, she hurts so I hurt. I did try going on some dates but I just felt worse like I was cheating on her even though nothing happened. I could not have any connection with them at all. They were nice people but I still want my wife. I feel guilty, should I? Feel lost in the shuffle.
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  #120  
Old 08-08-2013, 03:56 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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So at this point in time...
  • You and wife have been at this and struggling a bit over 2 years.
  • You and wife have not filed for divorced.
  • You and wife live apart.
  • Wife has given you and BF (your former best friend? How's your relationship with him?) a letter saying she wants be with both of you. And if you are not willing/able to participate that way then you could choose to leave.

So you seem to be at a new assessment point in your life. Well...


Are you willing to partcipate in a polyship and enter it with joy in your heart?

No. You don't seem to. You are wondering if you should leave and let it go.
Are you able to participate in polyship and enter with joy in your heart?
No. You don't seem to be able at this time.
  • Is it from a personal limitation? (and you need a change of mind, belief, heart, or outlook to become more able?)
  • Is it from lack of support from your polypeople? (and you need a change in their support level to become more able?)
    Is it from a lack of interpersonal or intrapersonal skills? (In you or the in the others and need to grow them to become more able to polyship well together?)
  • Is it from a a combo of things?

I do notice you have spent a long time now struggling. I see you are 2 years in and kinda "surviving" in this polyship but not exactly THRIVING in it.
Are you thinking of choosing to stay in it because you enjoy polyshipping?
No. You don't seem to enjoy this. It seems more because you are holding out for her to change her mind and return to "just us" (you + her). You call it "fighting for us" but you actually don't fight for "us" -- there's an "us" already in the polyship "V."

You seem to be fighting to hang on to that hope for an eventual "Just us" shape that you want with her and that she does not want to participate in. Limit reached.

You seem like you cannot imagine life without her and the future seems scary. Yet... you are starting to think of letting go of wanting "Just Us" because things are tiresome for you here hanging on to that want.
Is that where this is at? If so, I'm sorry you continue to suffer.

But you do sound like you are progressing toward acceptance though -- and working on your "I am willing to let go of that want."

In time the "I am able to let go" could follow if you choose to cultivate that. I would suggest doing that.

What that means for the polyship only you know.

But if you are not willing/able to be in polyship like this and enjoy doing it? Could change something. Either how the polyship runs, or within self, or being in polyship at all.

But signing up for MORE of this with NO changes? That's choosing to continue to suffer same old thing, different day. Could not do that. Could not agree to stay in same ol' polyship. Agree to be friends maybe, but could not stay in a polyship form that doesn't not bring you joy.

If you are not ready to consider "freedom to start new relationships" then maybe consider "freedom from tiresome and suffering" at this time... like a smaller step in the process? Could not rush into dating other people right now if that's more than you can chew right now. Could heal first. Only take on portions you can handle one thing at a time.

Could choose to get on with the work of "UN-suffering" and do the things that move you closer to that "willing and able to let go" place. And that could start by telling her "No, thank you. I decline your offer to carry on polyshipping like this. I love you, but I don't love this shape, so I rather work on being friends and love you in a shape I can deal with."

It's up to you what you want to choose next for yourself.

How could people help support you right now as you consider your options at this point in time?

Hang in there!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-08-2013 at 08:24 PM.
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