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  #101  
Old 12-20-2011, 04:50 PM
Bangel Bangel is offline
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DH,
I moved back in a week ago due to the fact that my friend I moved in with had to start charging me rent. I don't blame him but I could not afford to pay him rent and pay for the house that J lives in. She did ask me to come home but warned me nothing had changed.
As for the torture at first it wasn't so bad, she spent alot of time with me but I could see her getting sadder and sadder because she wasn't spending time with him. It is funny, when she asks to spend some time with him I do say yes to make her happy. Like I have repeated many times in this thread I do not want to take away the friendship. I actually miss my friendship with him too, but I am not okay with where they wantt to go with this.
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  #102  
Old 12-20-2011, 05:37 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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how long were you gone? I know you struggled at first how was it last week? Wasn't that the period everybody was going to reflect and make their respective decisions....doesn't look like anything has happened. Sounds like you're getting sucked back into a situation you don't want because of financial considerations.
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  #103  
Old 12-21-2011, 01:51 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Counseling. Do it. It sounds like you still have things to sort through and that will help you find clarity. We're 3 sessions in. I don't think our marriage will be saved but at least we'll know why. Poly distracted us from the problems in our primary relationship that were bound to tear us apart if we didn't resolve them.

My husband lied to me too about how far their relationship had gone. He sent a picture of her and her kids to his MOTHER. He told his sister she was his "good friend" and that I had left him! He was lying TO EVERYONE. I feel I can never trust him again. I also feel I should have never trusted him to begin with. Because his lies were bold-faced and unconscionable. He tells me sometimes, "I don't have a girlfriend." Bill Clinton much??? (Hillary might have left too if he sent pictures of Monica to his family!!!)

Now I think I'm just in the way. Although he says he will fight for the house and the kids, I think he will dance off into the sunset to be with her. Which is actually something I can accept, at this point, because he really will be happier and so will I. No more living a lie!!!

Good luck B. All situations are different and I hope you find some peace in yours.
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  #104  
Old 12-21-2011, 07:15 PM
Bangel Bangel is offline
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DH,
I guess nothing had happened with people making decisions and I was only gone for a month. I guess nothing happens in such a short time.

Carma,
I am sorry for where your marrige is going but I too hope you find peace soon as well. We will be going to counselling in the near future, the wife got a number for a new therapist and will go to her first to find out what she is like. Then I will start going with her. I hope to learn more from this.
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  #105  
Old 02-07-2012, 04:36 PM
Bangel Bangel is offline
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Latest update,
Well I have been home for more than two months and things just keep getting more uncomfortable by the day. It seems they are now making plans with each other without her even talking to me about them. She says she does not want to say anything to me until she knows the plans are set because of how upset I get about it. I sm thinking I am not cut out for what she wants. Joy is now telling me that if she cannot be with both of us she does not want to be with any of us. I feel so stuck, and so angery. We did go away for the weekend and it was great, probably becasue there was no outside influences. We are now back home and I feel the anxity again. I am just waiting for the next time for her to ask if she can see him. I probably made a mistake last week when they both took the day off together, this was the plans I did not know about until the last minute. Before I left for work I knew she had the day off, did not know he did too, I asked if she would like me to take a half day and take her out for lunch. That is when I found out about the plans. When I got home from work they were both upstairs together. So I decided to go and see my wife, well that did not go well. She got so mad at me and did not talk to me for the rest of the night. I do not know what to do anymore, do I give an ultimatium? Do I just leave? I feel I have always bent to her wants and needs and she has not done the same for me. I just feel so lost and uncertain anymore. Please help.
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  #106  
Old 02-07-2012, 09:35 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I am sorry to hear things are going badly still. I don't have time to reread to make sure I have the fact straight, so I cant think of a lot to suggest but wonder if you've tried making a schedule? Say she will only make plans with him on T/Th/Sat or something, so you can go on the assumption they will have plans, and if it doesn't work out, then she wont have plans? Then to ask that M/W/F is for you, and you don't have to worry about her making plans on those days? Some variation of that might work with some negotiation among you all. Then at least you'll know what days you don't have to stress about what the plan is.

If she is not willing to negotiate something like this (even a compromise that favors one of you heavily, but some compromise ability is a must in any healthy situation that involves more than one human being), well, if a partner wasn't willing to compromise with me, I would not see much of a future in the relationship.

So did you start counseling?
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 02-07-2012 at 09:38 PM.
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  #107  
Old 02-07-2012, 10:09 PM
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Alleycat Alleycat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bangel View Post
Latest update,
I feel I have always bent to her wants and needs and she has not done the same for me. I just feel so lost and uncertain anymore. Please help.
Speaking from some experience, I'm sorry to say it sounds to me like your getting hedged out by the other two, And for how terrible things seem to be going for you emotionally, -which is to say your needs are not being met or fully addressed- This ultimately may be the healthyist course of action for you. If your being forced into a relationship model that actually does not provide you any fulfilment or comfort, Or worse, one where your input is not welcomed or respected, then do yourself a favour and get out.

Theres no "I" is polyamoury, but there is in Interpersonal, Intimacy and Informed.
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  #108  
Old 02-07-2012, 10:36 PM
opalescent opalescent is online now
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I can just hear the pain in your posts Bangel. I don't have any suggestions to offer but just wanted you to know that your pain is heard and acknowledged.
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  #109  
Old 02-07-2012, 11:25 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I'm so sorry you are hurting. If its become unbearable then it might be time to say goodbye. It doesn't sound like anyone is benefiting by this continuing as is.
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  #110  
Old 02-08-2012, 07:21 AM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Sorry to hear about your situation, Bangle.
<long post removed>

For me, it comes down to a simple question: Is it worth it?
If not, be your own primary and protect yourself...
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