Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-08-2013, 09:04 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 145
Default Being Open about Being Open

I posted this as a comment in a thread, but would like to isolate here for more general comments.

I belong to a pretty active poly community in a major city (not going to specify). After researching, this particular group appears to be the only active community in the city for younger people (there's one other for older, married couples, not intentionally, just so happens that most of the members seem to be such).

I have not been able to get to any of the meetups or such for the one group, as they tend to be in the suburbs or places you need to drive, but as for the one in the city....of all the people I've met, NONE are open about it, save for a few close friends, perhaps some family...

I, mean, not a single person. Now, I don't know them all, maybe some are. But I've also never, in passing, met someone who said, "Oh, by the way, I'm poly" or even, "I'm dating this married woman." The only open relationship I've heard of, really, has been Newt Gingrich. Every time I've explained to someone I'm poly, they get confused (apart from my one friend with a swinger friend. she had to have poly explained, but was able to understand much quicker, though she is still impressed I've chosen a "complicated" situation, instead of a nice single guy.) I've even had someone from my poly group tell me, "But wouldn't it be better if Such and such were single?" I can't make him understand his marital status is truly not important to me (aside from his wife makes him happy). And he's POLY (though he's started admitting he's not "really" poly, just sort of open, actually, not even sure if he really WANTS to be open.)

As an example, I started a polyamory facebook page, just for fun, invited a few, but, as i sent it out to friends, added, "If you don't want to join, I won't be offended," assuming, as it turned out accurately, that most would be hesitant to openly support polyamory. Most of my friends got back to me with, "I'd love to, but I don't want my family or friends asking me questions, and I'd rather not have to lie to them...." Totally understood. Heck, I won't even publicly like my own page because I'm not ready.

What I want to know is, who is completely open about their poly lifestyle. As in, if I went to a family gathering with you there, and I went up to your aunt and told her about my married girlfriend with the caveat, "but it's okay, we're poly like So and So," would get a response like, "Oh, well, that's cool. So, what do you do for a living?" Or if I were to have a birthday party, I could invite you and your various SOs (attached or not) and introduce them to my friends. Or, you put, "It's complicated" as your Facebook status

Last edited by Flowerchild; 08-08-2013 at 09:07 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-08-2013, 09:41 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 4,811
Default

We are. There are others on here who are as well. There are at least two fb groups I am in that while the groups are private, many of the members are not. It is in my "about me" on my fb that I am poly. I regularly post lovey dovey and sexual content to Maca's fb and GG's as well.
Most of my online friends are poly and out as well. Though on the whole they tend to all be in Western Canada (Vancouver area) and Washington state.

I have a professor at school who is.

Maca and GG are out to coworkers as well (I dont work).
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-08-2013, 09:45 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,176
Default

FYI, Gingrich was not in open or poly relationships. He is your stereotypical serial cheater. And people do somehow seem to understand that more readily than ethical non-monogamy of whatever flavor (poly, open, swinging).

If you search for coming out you may find some thoughtful threads on why and when or if people chose to be out and poly proud.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-08-2013, 09:49 PM
Inyourendo's Avatar
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: sw missouri
Posts: 528
Default

I'm open an always have been. Family, friends, coworkers all know. Now while my ex and I were poly, I no longer talk to him so I don't advertise the fact that I still am to him because I don't need any baby daddy drama from him. My 14 year old knows, we don't hide it from my younger sob (j spends the night sometimes) but we also don't talk to him about it
__________________
Sue, in a vee with my polysexual husband Nate and my mono boyfriend Sam
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-08-2013, 10:44 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 145
Default Sorry :-p

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
FYI, Gingrich was not in open or poly relationships. He is your stereotypical serial cheater.
I meant that to be more sarcastic, and, that was a bit my point, that that is what people think of when you say "open marriage" and "poly" when the truth is, well, CAN be, much different. Truthfully there are people who use the guise of poly to cheat or replace partners. But I'd like to think that represents a small minority.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-08-2013, 11:04 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 522
Default

Well, I don't tell people with whom I merely associate, but are not friends. However, if I were monogamous I wouldn't share details about the relationship either.

A lot of my former coworkers (I just changed jobs) with whom I became close know. It was a big shrug for them. My mom knows, but she had poly tendencies herself. I have other family that learned about it directly from me after after a cousin decided to spread rumors. I told them straight out. Decided they could accept me or not. They accepted. Shrug.

I guess for me it depends on the degree of closeness - but as I said, I wouldn't talk about a mono relationship with most people either.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-08-2013, 11:09 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 4,811
Default

Bookbug-we are similar. We dont wear signs saying we are poly. But we live in a small community. People see me holding hands or kissing one or the other guy in public and questions arise.
We answer.
But usually we just say open or alternative relationship style because its too much wasted time trying to explain poly to every random store clerk who inquires.
If they are closer acquaintances I will add, "google polyamory".
Gives them food for thought.

But it is certainly not secret. Anyone who doesnt know is blatantly trying to avoid the info. Cause its all over fb and our social network of friends most of whom are mono.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 08-08-2013, 11:17 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Toorak living by choice.
Posts: 789
Default

We were out, and almost everyone knew--including my oldest baby. Did I just tell every random clerk at Waitrose or the server at Clos Maggiore? No. Only people who mattered or played a significant role in my life. There were quite a few people who did not know like people on the job (could not lose my livelihood), grands and great-grands, etc. It would have been no issue to mention poly to certain people. We were out but not shoving it down people's throats.

Things have changed quite drastically now. We are no longer open/out and never will be again. My DH has now flat out refused to be out. He took it another step and said that he did not want our children to ever be associated with or around poly again. During counselling, he told me that I was free to do what the hell I wanted but that I could not and would not drag him or our children down that path they never wanted to go down in the first place. He is the mono partner, but sadly, he and my baby paid the price for what was basically my and my ex's decision to be out. With this decision, my loved ones have dismissed that part of my life like it was a phase and filed it under DND; do not discuss.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 08-08-2013, 11:21 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 522
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Bookbug-we are similar. We dont wear signs saying we are poly. But we live in a small community. People see me holding hands or kissing one or the other guy in public and questions arise.
We answer.
But usually we just say open or alternative relationship style because its too much wasted time trying to explain poly to every random store clerk who inquires.
If they are closer acquaintances I will add, "google polyamory".
Gives them food for thought.

But it is certainly not secret. Anyone who doesnt know is blatantly trying to avoid the info. Cause its all over fb and our social network of friends most of whom are mono.
I notice that you and I do share some similar philosophies. . I suppose it really does help that I don't care what others think about me. (INTJ here.) That said, I am not going to make an issue of it either, by telling more than mere acquaintances need to know.

And while I have not had this happen, if I told someone and that person could not accept it, then I don't need them anyway.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 08-09-2013, 12:19 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 4,811
Default

Lol. I am ENTJ.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:15 AM.