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  #11  
Old 06-06-2011, 07:44 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Phew, well I don't need to go on about how fucked up that situation was.

I am going to say, whether this relationship works out or not, that you need to get a handle on some serious communication skills. Especially as you said the answers you gave to questions he asked were different because it wasn't just you and him talking, and she was present. I think poly success really needs people to give the same (honest) responses about what you think no matter the situation or people present.

Well obviously you needed the braveness and boldness to say HEY wait a minute, I'd like to talk to you in private. This 24-7 itinerary for the three of us isn't going to work, I would like some time alone with you, which is why I am here. Of course hindsight being 20-20 and all... It sounds like a lot of honest communication really needs to happen here. I don't blame you for having the emotional reaction you did to walking in on them having great sex, but your reaction might have been just as much about the emotional roller coaster the whole thing was causing.

It is a shitty thing that they had thought about it and talked about it and had an itinerary planned, but you were left out of this and surprised with it. You didn't fly out that weekend to be invited to be in a relationship with them. I am guessing in general you probably can deal with their sexual relationship much more objectively, but some people don't want it in their faces, and it sounds like you need to let him know that is the case for you now. I wouldn't say that means that poly is not right for you at all. I'd say being thrown into group sex with a stranger when you had no clue your bf was interested in that happening or bothered to mention hoping that would happen on your visit isn't right for you.

Again, to beat a dead horse - there seem to be a dozen times in your story where you would have benefited from being honest and upfront and saying you didn't like the situation, weren't comfortable, that things were moving too fast, that you wanted to spend some time alone with him to discuss what was happening... Hard thing to do for some people, especially in the middle of a tornado like that.

I don't know if you didn't speak up because the situation was SO crazy and overwhelming, because you wanted to make a good impression on her, if you were worried about not being liked if you didn't go along with the plan, if you had some sort of obligation to go along with it since he paid your way there or what. If you are going to keep on with this relationship, I'd sit down and write some of these things you need to say out ahead of time so you could be prepared to stick to the script, and get the difficult things said. Ask for what you want. Speak up if somebody is trampling on your boundaries or feelings.

Wishing you luck, it sounds like you have something with him you hope are working out, so I hope you're able to sort this all out.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 06-06-2011 at 07:55 PM.
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  #12  
Old 06-06-2011, 11:05 PM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Well obviously you needed the braveness and boldness to say HEY wait a minute, I'd like to talk to you in private. This 24-7 itinerary for the three of us isn't going to work, I would like some time alone with you, which is why I am here. Of course hindsight being 20-20 and all... It sounds like a lot of honest communication really needs to happen here. I don't blame you for having the emotional reaction you did to walking in on them having great sex, but your reaction might have been just as much about the emotional roller coaster the whole thing was causing.

You're absolutely right. I should have spoken up way before I let things progress that far. The OSO seemed to be uncomfortable as well (this is her first attempt at poly as well), but neither of us said anything. Honestly, I would have been OK with meeting her and spending the day together, but would have preferred to have the nights with him. After all, she has him all the time... is that selfish?Again, to beat a dead horse - there seem to be a dozen times in your story where you would have benefited from being honest and upfront and saying you didn't like the situation, weren't comfortable, that things were moving too fast, that you wanted to spend some time alone with him to discuss what was happening... Hard thing to do for some people, especially in the middle of a tornado like that.

I don't know if you didn't speak up because the situation was SO crazy and overwhelming, because you wanted to make a good impression on her, if you were worried about not being liked if you didn't go along with the plan,

All true here. I was concerned that me voicing my discomfort would be an indication that I am not open minded enough for the relationship which is not the case. I just need time to process things... If you are going to keep on with this relationship, I'd sit down and write some of these things you need to say out ahead of time so you could be prepared to stick to the script, and get the difficult things said. Ask for what you want. Speak up if somebody is trampling on your boundaries or feelings.

Wishing you luck, it sounds like you have something with him you hope are working out, so I hope you're able to sort this all out.
This was such good advice! He has backed off and let me have my time to think. In the meantime, I am sure he has spoken with his OSO about the situation.

I have realized that:

1) If I am going to travel to see him, I will NEED one on one time with him. If he wants to have a dinner or something with all three of us from time to time, that's fine, but I don't see why we have to be bosom buddies

2) I am not opposed to exploring my curiosity about women with someone he is not emotionally attached to. I already know that I can't deal with watching him have sex with his OSO in my presence. I am aware of it, but I don't need to see it (does that go against true polyamorism?)

3) He should not have forced his fantasy on either of us so quickly. I am not saying that I may not grow to like or respect (maybe love) her at some point, but I need to do things on my own time...

Now my only concern is trying to get the images and sounds of them making love right next to me out of my brain. I think it's going to effect my sexual encounters with him in the future. The memories don't drive me to tears anymore, but they still sting...

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  #13  
Old 06-07-2011, 01:05 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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This was such good advice! He has backed off and let me have my time to think. In the meantime, I am sure he has spoken with his OSO about the situation.

I have realized that:

1) If I am going to travel to see him, I will NEED one on one time with him. If he wants to have a dinner or something with all three of us from time to time, that's fine, but I don't see why we have to be bosom buddies

2) I am not opposed to exploring my curiosity about women with someone he is not emotionally attached to. I already know that I can't deal with watching him have sex with his OSO in my presence. I am aware of it, but I don't need to see it (does that go against true polyamorism?)

3) He should not have forced his fantasy on either of us so quickly. I am not saying that I may not grow to like or respect (maybe love) her at some point, but I need to do things on my own time...

Now my only concern is trying to get the images and sounds of them making love right next to me out of my brain. I think it's going to effect my sexual encounters with him in the future. The memories don't drive me to tears anymore, but they still sting...

That's good that you're getting some time. You seem to have figured out some of your needs in a very straightforward way! That's awesome.

Not being able to watch and hear and see them having sex does not mean you not poly. And there isn't a true polyamorism. There is what works for the people involved in each individual relationship.

I have a hard time watching my baby with someone else, unless it's someone we are both involved in and there's mutual affection and respect. Which has only happened once. I've been in the same position with someone where there wasn't that mutual thing, and it sucked ass and I felt horrible because I could sense that there was no attraction between us, and it wasn't handled honestly. It really depends on the situation, the timing, the people and your experience in general.

I think you have got a good plan, and really the only way to see if it passes, is .. well, to wait and see if it passes! It's only been a few days, though. Perhaps after speaking with him about this and some time passing and another experience just with him, you can relegate this to bad judgment and learn and grow from it. If not, that's okay too.

and P.S... standing up for yourself, your wants, your needs and your limits by no means makes you not openminded. It makes you a strong, independent human being. It's a good thing.
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  #14  
Old 06-07-2011, 01:39 AM
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River River is offline
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I've only really had time to skim these posts here, so I won't yet have much to say. What I did want to say is it's very nice to see the emotional intelligence reflected in some of the responses. There are a lot of folks "out there" who treat sex so very lightly. And it seems to me quite immature and irresponsible to treat it lightly. Not that it can't or shouldn't be light--it should. No one enjoys heavy in that arena. It is play. But it is serious play. Respect and kindness, and good timing, are called for.
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  #15  
Old 06-07-2011, 02:29 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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What I did want to say is it's very nice to see the emotional intelligence reflected in some of the responses.
I'm afraid my response was emotional but not very intelligent -- I simply cursed the guy out! My bad.
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  #16  
Old 06-07-2011, 04:10 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
I already know that I can't deal with watching him have sex with his OSO in my presence. I am aware of it, but I don't need to see it (does that go against true polyamorism?)
I consider myself somewhat kinky, but my husband isn't. The one "kink" he has enjoyed in his life happens to be group sex. I have no interest (at least not in the 8 years since trying any poly relationship in the first place) in group sex, except for fantasies.
I don't have any interest in watching him or anybody have sex, whether he loves them or not. No interest in having sex in front of others. I don't consider that stuff to have anything do with poly. I consider sex mostly a private thing. I also don't consider it non-poly of me to be consumed with jealousy now and again at the thought of him being intimate with somebody else, as long as I feel compersion other times.

I really think it's great you do have a clear idea what you want to ask him. I hope he's either realized or will quickly realized that everybody involved has needs they want met. I personally might start an email correspondence with his girlfriend (though maybe you wouldn't think it's needed yet) and let HER know that she is nice and all but you aren't interested in that now, and that you'd love to spend time with her sometimes but that if possible you'd like alone time.

If she is as uncomfortable as you think she was, she'd probably be grateful to know you're both on the same page, and maybe that will help everybody lay out their boundaries to the bf. I think his communication skills might need a lot of work, so in this case if I was in your shoes, I would want to be making sure I communicated directly with the gf to get information first hand until I felt he was accurately aware of both of our wants and needs, so no situations like that occurred again. Normally I wouldn't do that, but I figured if I've been in bed naked with somebody, it's ok for me to email them
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 06-07-2011 at 04:13 PM.
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  #17  
Old 06-07-2011, 04:16 PM
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. . . I figured if I've been in bed naked with somebody, it's ok for me to email them
<snorts coffee all over keyboard>
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  #18  
Old 06-08-2011, 01:31 AM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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<snorts coffee all over keyboard>
I second that!!!! HILARIOUS!!!!!!!
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