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Old 06-05-2011, 01:22 PM
charis charis is offline
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Default surprised to find my bf is poly

My bf has recently come to me discussing the possibilities of an open relationship. I was initially open to the idea and very excited about it. I had no idea what i was in for and am now very confused.

He started to see another woman that i have previously met at a social function. she came came to him looking for an open relationship and i okayed it as long as he took it slow and made sure she knew exactly what she was getting into. Apparently she lied about her age, found out she is only 18 after they started dating. He is 30 and i am 36. She was originally going to be involved in our relationship until i found out her age. She has become jealous of me and i of her. They go out on dates multiple times a week and any night they are not dating, they are texting each other hours on end.

I would like for us to find a third person in our lives. I believe that we can have a great thing. My problem is this specific person. She does not comprehend my relationship with my bf and does not like me. She will not speak to me and even makes negative comments about me to him.

I don't feel threatened by her but i am trying to find a balance. I have requested that they don't text while in my house. I understand it may have to happen on occasion but it can not be daily. I have also requested that my time comes first and i can not continue to alter my plans for her and not the other way around. We can't even plan a night out anymore because she may want to do something that night and our plans will get canceled.

I know he loves me and this is new to the both of us. I know that i am jealous and a bit demanding but i need to stand my ground. I also know that this is new to him and he is very excited. I can't handle the age nor the amount of attention she gets.

Am i asking too much and how do i handle the inital jealousy? We have had an amazing relationship up until this point and he has always been very open and honest with me. I am so scared and confused right now...
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Old 06-05-2011, 02:14 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Hmm, balance is definitely something it sounds like you guys need.

She is very young to be the mono(?) in her first polyship. Lying about your age (heck, about any major personal detail) is a major red flag for me, but obviously your partner has made his peace with being lied to.

Are both of them unwilling to compromise on time? Say, you get two date nights per week and she gets two. The constant texting can be extremely annoying, and I think you are fully within your rights to ask him not to text her for the few hours a week you have designated as 'just you two'-time, but what's with the 'not in my house'-thing? Do you live separately and he comes to hang out at yours and keeps on texting her? That is just bad manners. If he lives there too, isn't it his house too? How long have they been involved? The worst of NRE can take a few months to cool off. And if you can't wait for it to slow down on itself, you can always try texting him yourself . If you do it from the next room it should alert him to you feeling a bit neglected.

I would suggest agreeing on certain week nights beforehand, or if you have too versatile lives for that, to agree on a Sun afternoon who is going to get which night next week. And to not change plans unless there is a major life crisis (i.e. someone is in the hospital). Although some people dislike fixed schedules per se, you can't really afford that if you are trying to handle multiple romantic relationships at a time.

What were bf's motivations as to continue his relationship with her even after the age hoax was out in the open? And for yours to back away? I fear that you would be happier if you started to pursue relationships with both men and women on your own rather than trying to find the perfect match for the relationship you have with him.
Me: bi female in my twenties
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Old 06-05-2011, 07:07 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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You know... this could go two ways for me. I can see advocating for negotiating boundaries with her, but would you really get anywhere? She is young and immature in terms of what relationships are about... how could she possibly know what it means to have a deep meaningful relationship of any kind of depth. Ya, she likely think she does, but she just doesn't have the years in to convince me. You all need to sit down and be grown ups and talk about what is and isn't working and where the line of respecting each other is... of this I would insist I think.... or I would be done with him. I just find that if there is no communication and petty bad mouthing going on in a relationship dynamic then there is no point being in it. That is a result of age and maturity I think... been there done that, never want to go there again, such a waste of time and very, well, "highschool" to me. Ya, doing that with her peers is great, acceptable, and where she should be, but with an over 30 couple? Bah, waste of time

I think if this were me I would just let him go.... Go do whatever that is. I think I would consider him away on holiday and not even around and get about doing my own things. I find it works much better to occupy my time with my own life than it does to try and control anothers. It seems that these things run their course and the partner either ends up figuring out that it isn't working and leaves the other person or misses me in their life enough to insist that boundaries be worked on and respected... perspectives change when I make myself scarce in the NRE phase.

I'm not saying be cold and uncaring... just kind of vaccant and keep saying, "go ahead sweety, I have got other things to do with so and so... no I'm okay *smile sweetly* I can see you are having fun.... you go and enjoy yourself." That kind of thing...

As to the texting? If trying to create boundaries around when is okay fails... I have been known to just pick up and leave to go grocery shop... I even walked out and left my partner once as he was too busy texting to get ready... "meh, he can find his own way there" I figured. I did come back to get him, but I made a good point. His relationship NRE affects me and I will not sit around and allow that to happen. I will go on without him. It doesn't take long before the message is across that we all have to consider each other and by putting someone out, there will be consequences.

I know this sounds harsh, but sometimes enough is enough...
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