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Old 06-04-2011, 05:42 PM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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my wife and I have been married for 8 years. Dec of last year she reconnected with an old high school friend. they did alot of what I thought was harmless talking. then she asked me what I thought about an open marriage. I wasn't really sure what to think. my mind went straight to casual sex with others and 3 somes. giggity. at first, it seemed she was thinking the same thing, slowly it moved away from that and I found out she had fallen in love with this other guy but she said she still loved me. I was heartbroken. I thought my world was over. every emotion I could feel, I felt it. anger, fear, jealousy. they were all there, all the while I was trying to figure out where I went wrong. I'm slowly starting to get over those feelings. I'm not completely happy with her wanting to sleep with another guy and she knows it. she keeps telling me that people change. all the while, she still says she loves me. I'm hoping it all works out for the best. I really am. I am madly in love with her. we have 2 awesome kids. maybe I should take her seriously when she says I should find a GF too. I welcome any feedback you guys have to offer. thanks.
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Old 06-04-2011, 07:27 PM
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First off, finding a girlfriend when you feel as you do is not recommended. Adding people to an already precarious dynamic does not make it better, it makes it more precarious. I suggest dealing with this new info first and then seeing how you feel.

The news is that you are not alone. There is a lot written that has come before that could help... do a tag search and see what threads come up. The ones tagged are the ones with the most info.

Good luck.
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Old 06-04-2011, 07:52 PM
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I would ask yourself why you felt at first that it would be perfectly fine for your wife to be casually engaged sexually with someone else, but not to have feelings for them. She is more than just a convenient slit for someone to cum in. What is it exactly that would threaten you and "break your heart" for her to feel deeply for someone else? Doesn't she have deep feelings of love for family, friends, and so on? Her loving others does not take away from her love for you. Personally, I never understand the rationale that a husband would approve of someone using his wife's body to get off, but not to have a loving relationship with her, as if she is property specified only for certain uses. Isn't she of more value as a human being that she deserves tenderness and loving in her life, wherever she finds it? Or would you rather she be seen as just an unemotional set of genitals for someone to diddle with? I think it would be good for you to pursue a relationship with another woman. If you open yourself up to loving another, and not just fucking them, then things will become more clear that love isn't something to be stingy with.
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Old 06-05-2011, 05:30 AM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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maybe I should clarify. I used to look at an open marriage as exactly that. a marriage that brought others in strictly for sex. I always heard love your spouse, everything else is just sex. I am now looking at it from the loving others stand point. it broke my heart because after 8 years, I was no longer everything she needed. all of a sudden she needed more and I didn't know why. was I doing something wrong?? no, I don't believe I was. she just developed feelings for someone else. sometimes I still believe that all she was doing was ask for permission to be unfaithful but I'm working through that. I don't have the option of pursuing another relationship right now. I'm deployed to the middle east. my biggest issue right now is that she hasn't slept with him yet, but she plans on doing it while I'm gone. she knows I want her to wait until I get home but she refuses. I have always thought something like this should be enjoyed as a couple. maybe it's jealousy, maybe it's selfishness, I'm not really sure.
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Old 06-05-2011, 06:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by transitapparent View Post
I always heard love your spouse, everything else is just sex. I am now looking at it from the loving others stand point. it broke my heart because after 8 years, I was no longer everything she needed. all of a sudden she needed more and I didn't know why. was I doing something wrong?? no, I don't believe I was. she just developed feelings for someone else. sometimes I still believe that all she was doing was ask for permission to be unfaithful but I'm working through that.
Sorry, but who ever perpetuates this myth that I bolded above is full of shit. It's fucked, seriously, to think that peoples bodies come together in an intimate way and there won't be some kind of transference of energy.... connection energy? Really? I suggest that if people don't want to fall in love or care about those they have sex with don't engage them in that way. In my experience it almost always ends in unwanted feelings that are inevitably life changing. The choice is in moving toward more of those feelings or less. That is the decision that couples make when involved sexually with others.

She isn't REALLY asking for permission to be unfaithful. She is not the culmination of your coupledom.... she is an independent person. She isn't really asking permission so much as seeing what your reaction will be. She has ever right to do as she wishes, she is her own person, not joined at the hip with you... but as she has committed to you, she is asking you to engage in possibilities that she wants to pursue.

I'm pretty sure that is hard to fathom independence in committed relationships. Especially as a person who has grown up in a monogamous culture, where we were raised to believe that we should strive for co-dependence with our partners rather than walk together in life independently. The idea of poly is to support and encouraging each others life path and love them regardless of the pressure that builds when they do something that makes us think that they will leave us. All of in the realization that they are their own person and we have no hold on them and what they feel they need to do. At least that is what I have surmised.

Its hard, I know it.... there isn't one person on this forum that doesn't get that. The up side is that you get to be independent too and be completely safe and secure in the knowledge that when you do actually let go of trying to mold her to what works for you, that she will likely be more in love, more faithful, more willing to stay with you and more complete, confident, and have a bigger self esteem, because her life and yours will be your own... no more responsibility to the other in terms of "making" them feel better temporarily by doing as they say.... not many feel better in the end with that way of conducting relationships, it usually ends up in resentment and sometimes even divorce.

(by the way; the quote above? It seems to me that those in the military use this idea often to justify cheating while they are on tour.... if only there was more tolerance for loving and sex than ruining marriages through cheating.... sad really)
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Last edited by redpepper; 06-05-2011 at 06:45 PM.
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Old 06-05-2011, 10:01 PM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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I have never tried to mold my wife. I have let her do whatever she wants to do. I have sent her to school when she wanted to go. whenever she gets bored with a job, I encourage her to fiind another one if thats what she wants. she is quite the opposite. when we first met I was a smoker, a drinker, a partier, I was rude and unruly and very non religious (I'm a sailor, it's the status quo) since we have been together, I have quit smoking and partying. I still drink on occasion. we go to church every sunday and I have done my best to be a nicer person. of all the things I've tried tochange, thats the hardest. I am not the person I was when we met. I'm the person she wanted me to be and I do like myself alot more.

I was in the navy before we met and spent alot of time overseas. I did alot of partying and slept with alot of foreign women (again, it's the status quo.)
since then, I have been on multiple deployments since we've been together. 6months away is a long time. you have to learn to be independent. I never cheated on her though. old habits are easy to fall into but I always stayed faithful.

I know alot of people who live by the love your spouse everything else is just sex motto and it works for them. she want's another relationship and I'm fine with that. I never thought something like this would happen but it did. for me, she fulfills all of my emotional needs. she fulfills my sexual need. I don't need anything else to feel complete. she is the one who says I should find a GF. I never said I wanted one. however, with my past, I don't have any problems with casual sex and I have her blessing.

as much as I always try to avoid sounding like an ass. it always comes out and I hope you don't take this wrong. your experiences are exactly that. yours. mine are totally different. I probably have your opinion is no better than mine and vice versa. I do thank you greatly for your point of view though. please don't hate me
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Old 06-06-2011, 03:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Personally, I never understand the rationale that a husband would approve of someone using his wife's body to get off, but not to have a loving relationship with her,
I think part of it is then the other guy is "using" her, while the husband retains his role as provider, of emotional as well as material needs. It's still about control, but there is also some honor stuff going on, don't you think? Like, "Hey, I'M the guy who stepped up to the plate, not him! I'm the one who signed on, and I pride myself on that. I am not using her, I am also giving to her, I am in LOVE with her, not just fucking her." Pride is a tricky one. It's really makes poly complicated.
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Old 06-06-2011, 03:31 PM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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honestly, I can't begin to tell you what they might be thinking. all I can go by is what they tell me. they meet a couple (or a single guy or girl), have dinner and talk, if they click they go to the bedroom. guys with girls, girls with girls, trading wives etc... is there any love involved?? I can't say. do they invite them back again?? can't say. what I can say is they tell me it's just about sex. where is my path going to lead?? caIn't say. maybe I'll stay mono and let her be the poly. maybe I'll find someone. I don't know. all I can do is take it one day at a time.
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Old 06-07-2011, 06:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by transitapparent View Post
please don't hate me
no hate

I have a boyfriend in the navy. I am not unfamiliar with what you say... I didn't man to say you were trying to mold your wife btw... I was meaning the bigger YOU... out there who can relate kind of thing...

funny, I have not really run in to people who have done well with the whole love your spouse the rest is sex thing unless both agree and then I have found it mostly damaging... ESPECIALLY in the military. At my age, pretty much all the people I know who practiced that idea, either knowingly or unknowingly who had a spouse in the military are now divorced. I am remain unconvinced that it works for the long haul.... mind you I don't think the military works of many levels sooooo.... ya. Don't get me started,

I admire your attempt to deal with this actually. I admire anyone who believes in and is monogamous by nature dealing with a poly person as a partner. It's all so tricky. Being away from home and having to adds much more trickiness.

Faithfulness is not up for debate though in this I don't think... poly people have just as much potential to be faithful as mono people. Just saying. Cheating and affairs and casual sex are not really part of the equation with poly...
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Old 06-07-2011, 11:10 PM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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it is hard to manage a marriage in the military, especially during sea duty. being away from home sucks. I miss my family but obviously I'm not the only one.

It is possible that I was trying to control what was happening between my wife and her new BF. I am starting to realize, especially be reading alot of the posts on here, that I can't do that. it puts a strain on her and on our marriage itself. I just need to let them do their thing.

my biggest problem still is that she is very reluctant to try and set boundaries. I'm not really sure what kind of boundaries should be in place but I know there has to be something. it's hard enough managing a marriage, throw in a BF, a possible GF and it's gotta get even more complicated.

I'm still trying to figure all this stuff out. I'm glad I found this website. I'm already starting to understand the things I need to change in order to make it work but I still have a long way to go.
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