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  #1  
Old 10-26-2009, 04:38 AM
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Default Freedom? Or fear of intimacy?

I've been doing some major soul searching and would like to begin by sharing some of what I've come up with. I usually do this sort of thing in my journal, but three of my friends, (all of which I have been involved with at some point) read the journal and I need complete freedom to say what comes up without startling them.

I've searched and searched myself in every way I know how as to why I've had the kind of tumultuous relationships I've had the past several years.

I've gone the self-help route. My father was absent and verbally abusive. So, I did tons of work, (EFT, breathwork, letter-writing, counseling, affirmations, forgiving) to heal this. I figured I attracted abusive, unstable partnerships because that was what I knew.

I'm thoroughly convinced that this part of my life has grown tremendously and is not the reason I am still attracting men who are "unavailable".

I am beginning to wonder if it's because I simply do not want to be in a conventional relationship. It is so much easier to pull away from someone who has their prickles up, rather than pull away and hurt someone I really love.

In other words, what I really want is a lot of independence. I just love thinking about the person I'm in love with being off on their own, doing their thing, playing, whatever... and then knowing when I see him/her it will be genuine, sweet and s/he will tell me all about it!

Complete honesty, but no ownership.

I'm searching to see if this is an intimacy issue within me. Afraid to commit fully, afraid to be "tied".

Or, a unique shade of grey where my relationship preferences fall.

I am tending towards the latter. I don't shy at all from very honest, vulnerable, scary conversations or blubbering cry sessions or elated, joyful expressions either. In fact, they invigorate me.

I do, however, get very sick of being touched, sick of talking, sick of seeing any one face for too long and need my space after a while. I've been this with way with every single person in my life, no exceptions, regardless of our type of relationship, (romantic, friendship, family member...).

I also have some particular and specific daily routines that are largely attributable to a chronic illness I've had for 7 years.

It is so hard to find someone who can both fulfill my need for connection; long, intense conversations about the mysteries of the Universe and how much love there is in my heart... But also feel safe, loved and secure when I take off and flutter around a bit.

I need to be with someone who isn't easily hurt or jealous when I take off. And who can articulate when they are hurt or jealous so that we can maneuver around it. And who can go off and flutter around themselves.

I remember one time at a bar, with my high school sweetheart, over a decade ago. We were both flirting with other people all night, having fun on our own, dancing. I was supposed to sleep over at his place that night and by the end of the night, when we met back up, I was soooo in love with him. The feelings that came with my sense of freedom, while also knowing I was loved and had a familiar bed to come home to were amazing!

So, I'm beginning to wonder if really, it's not that I'm attracted to unavailable men. But, that I have not "come out" as polyamorous and have therefore not created the types of relationships that would support this type of lifestyle.

Phew, it feels good to get that out. Thank you.

roly
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Old 10-26-2009, 04:48 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post

So, I'm beginning to wonder if really, it's not that I'm attracted to unavailable men. But, that I have not "come out" as polyamorous and have therefore not created the types of relationships that would support this type of lifestyle.

roly
[/SIZE]
I'd say you are right on the mark with this assessment!! You're probably seeking the "wrong" type of person. Get out there and look for like minded people..they do exist!

Good luck and thanks for sharing
Mono
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Old 10-26-2009, 05:18 AM
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Default Oops, no there's more.

Thank you Mono! (Why the nickname "mono", by the way, if I can ask?).

I realized after posting that there's a second chapter to this train of thought...

This new man that I have met is triggering a lot of this soul-searching. I was pretty much done dating after my last relationship ended. Finito, I'm a very happily single chick!

Then, he tapped me on the shoulder, I turned around and kapow! Every time I ran into him, my body did internal summersaults.

Three days ago, I picked up a book off his table. It was a blog-style book about gay life. There was a chapter about "Fucking..." something-or-other and I made a joke about it. He seemed defensive and asked not to be judged by the book. I said, "Hey, one of the books on my shelves is The Ethical Slut, so who am I to judge?".

He turned around and pulled The Ethical Slut from his bookshelf. I screamed out, "YES! No way! That's so cool!".

So, I'm a single woman in my 30s. Never married, no children, never pregnant. I've come crying to my family time and time again about another failed relationship and another frustrated attempt at meeting "the right person". Every time, I've felt frustrated by my inability to find a straight, monogamous, committed, serious relationship that produces children.

I phoned my aunt today and told her, "He's gay and I don't want a relationship with him". She said, "Oh well. Sometimes, people like that make the best kinds of friends", which is all very true, but, that's honestly not what I want in my heart.

I am feeling a lot of pressure to "smarten up" and reject these kinds of unclear, fringe circumstances. There seems to be an underlying assumption that, "Of course you're in such crazy relationships, you don't see the signs". For example, this man said at one point, "I joke around that I'm a bad date". I think his reason for feeling this way is that his sexuality, etc is not straightforward.

If someone tells me they're a bad date because they are unkind or unavailable to share themselves, well then, yeah of course I'll end it there.

But, if he says he's a bad date because he's feeling insecure about his ability to fulfill a relationship role, or his confusing levels of attraction towards women, or his changing relationship needs, well, then I'm intrigued and want to explore that with him.

What I really, really want is this.

I care deeply about this man. Being around him brightens my day. I want to continue getting to know him. I fully understand that his sexual preference seems to be with men, but that he is attracted to women and attracted to me. I don't know if he is capable of falling in love with a woman. But, what I want is to explore the possibility of some kind of intimate relationship with him. I want to know that I can love him to whatever degree I feel and not frighten him. I want to continue sharing with him, while taking lots of space, giving him the space to continue living his life as he does.

Most of all, I want this to be accepted by my friends and family. I want them to understand that although I may get hurt, this lifestyle makes me H-A-P-P-Y!!!

roly
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Old 10-26-2009, 05:31 AM
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My nickname is due to the fact that I am wired monogamously. I'm not poly although I am in a poly relationship.

Acceptance is a very tuff one. Some people are not even phased by different relationship styles. Usually they are the ones most comfortable in thier own aproach. Other people will judge because you are not conforming therefore you are doing something wrong and will never achieve what they believe is success.
Exposure is what can defeat discrimination. Be you always, be as open as safety permits, push people with who you are and those that are truly concerned about you will stand up and stand beside you
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Old 10-26-2009, 05:34 AM
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Thank you Mono! I think I'm going to feel right at home in here.
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Old 10-26-2009, 07:15 PM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
My nickname is due to the fact that I am wired monogamously. I'm not poly although I am in a poly relationship.
Which is why his post count is almost twice that of any of the poly's on the board...he's doing it all himself, where as the poly's have 2, 3, 4+ people to help them out.

Ok...going away to remove tongue from cheek now.
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Old 10-26-2009, 07:25 PM
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Haha!
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Old 10-26-2009, 07:29 PM
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[QUOTE=ImaginaryIllusion;10074]Which is why his post count is almost twice that of any of the poly's on the board....[/QUOTE

Somebody has got to be the voice of reason I can't have you all thinking everybody is poly....now who's tongue is in thier cheek
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Old 10-27-2009, 06:10 AM
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i thought rolypoly might of been asking about the WHOLE meaning of your name Mono my love.... but it seems she wasn't.
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Old 10-27-2009, 06:12 AM
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i thought rolypoly might of been asking about the WHOLE meaning of your name Mono my love.... but it seems she wasn't.
Some secrets are better left unsaid I wouldn't want to embarass you
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