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Old 10-27-2009, 11:04 PM
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ladyjools ladyjools is offline
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Default for those with closed structure?

This came up in another post but thought it best to start a new thread,

i have never thought of my relationship in terms of structure, - until now when i read the post about structure and had a think about it,
i have also never considered closing my relationship(s) so that it is polyfi

perhaps at the moment i think i have no room for anyone new, and i am def not looking for anyone else becuase i don't have enough time,
but i never say never, and its def not closed, if someone totally amazing comes into my life i would not turn them down,

what i am curious about is asking those people who do have a closed structure how that came to be,
did you go about things always with the intention of having a set number of people in the relationship, or did you get to a certian point in you're relationshps and then decide to close?

do you ever meet someone you think you might like to date and feel like you are missing out?

i know these questions are personnal and understand if not everyone is ok to answer,

Jools
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Old 10-27-2009, 11:25 PM
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For myself-I don't feel I NEED a closed relationship. But both my men do.
In general they satisfy me and so I don't much think on it at all.

It isn't "closed" to just us three, it's closed to me having both of them and they each have the abillity to have a girlfriend. If hubby wanted to share, so be it-but right now my heart is... not ready for a woman. Yes I'm bi-but emotionally not there.

When I was younger and my NOW bf was still a virgin, I was dating a woman. The three of us talked quite seriously about moving together (she had to move for school). She and I talked about her desire to have a baby (I already had a daughter and they were helping me raise her) and her thought that she wanted him to father it. She wanted to verify if it was ok with me since officially I was her girlfriend. Of course it was ok with me.

We had intention of having a closed triad. I love(d) them both and they both loved each other and me. C wasn't sexually involved at that point-but there was no doubt in our minds he WOULD be.

It never came to be for completely other reasons-but for us why it would have been a closed triad was because they both are mono by preference and while they could handle the idea of three of us-they couldn't handle the idea of anyone else having someone they were in love with.
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Old 10-27-2009, 11:42 PM
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"For myself-I don't feel I NEED a closed relationship. But both my men do. "
that makes a lot of sense and iv never considered this,
i am wondering if one of my partners would feel like this was a better option, but then i would wonder why they needed it to be closed,

and there is a part of me that does not want to feel pinned down as soon as i am told that i am not allowed to be a certian way especially if someone is trying to make me act against my own nature then i feel uncomfortable,

like there is a need to escape the rule

which brings up some intresting things for me because obvioulsy there must be a reason why i feel that way,

Jools
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Old 10-27-2009, 11:56 PM
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I am personally FAR more comfortable with a "closed" polyfi relationship. The difference happens here for me:

When you have a primary couple, where both either see the same third/fourth/fifth person, or where both members of the couple have flings/FWB/whatever on the side, there is no reason for it to be closed off. You have FWB. They don't require a whole lot more maintenance than a normal "friend", and yay! more people to fuck. When sexuality is as important to you as it is to me - that's a big deal! lol The main point here is you can have a TON of friends, not even necessarily with benefits, and maintain your relationship with all of them.

When you have a primary couple, and you begin dating another seriously - time is NOT an infinite resource. Take my relationship. HMA and I were in an open relationship. He got booty-called a couple times, I took a few girls home, it was all good. It didn't infringe on our "couples" time at all. Then, we added Anne. She is dating both HMA and I, and is considered my equal in the relationship. The amazing amount of strain on all three of us to maintain equality, honesty, communication, happiness, ensure everyone's needs are met, blah blah blah - is HUGE. It's mind boggling. I can't imagine adding another "equal" partner. NO WAY. Three is hard enough!

As far as my triad goes - when you're completely equal, and have 2 other partners who complete you, are your best friend, and give you everything you need - why in FUCK do you need more?! There comes a point where I feel it just gets greedy, lol. I'm not bashing anyone in a quad or anything, it's just how I feel. You don't need more, more more more MORE. Polyamory, to me, isn't about collecting lovers. It's about building a strong relationship with more than one partner. And there come a point, time-wise, where that just isn't possible with a large group of people. It's just not. And it comes across as selfish.

For me, I am either in an "open relationship" where there is a clearly defined Primary Couple, or in a "polyfi" triad/MAYBE quad where everyone is devoted to one another monogamy-style. Make sense?
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Old 10-28-2009, 12:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyjools View Post
"For myself-I don't feel I NEED a closed relationship. But both my men do. "
that makes a lot of sense and iv never considered this,
i am wondering if one of my partners would feel like this was a better option, but then i would wonder why they needed it to be closed,

and there is a part of me that does not want to feel pinned down as soon as i am told that i am not allowed to be a certian way especially if someone is trying to make me act against my own nature then i feel uncomfortable,

like there is a need to escape the rule

which brings up some intresting things for me because obvioulsy there must be a reason why i feel that way,

Jools

I love these two men too much not to consider their feelings. C has always been at least as it appeared very very mono. Things could change in light of the new dynamic, having a tight family here (myself, sister, C, the kids and Maca) who all are accepting poly as ok (yes even the kids) may change that.

But as it stands he's mono and Maca is on the fence. So if what they need to be able to give me the depth of love and safety and security that they provide is for me to not have others-so be it! They keep me quite busy anyway!
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Old 10-28-2009, 12:03 AM
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yes that does make sense violet
and i agree with you on time issues,

"why in FUCK do you need more?! There comes a point where I feel it just gets greedy, lol. I'm not bashing anyone in a quad or anything, "

this is actually something my mum said to me about being poly in first place, why do you need more than one,
the answer is not need, but want, i don't need to be in a relationship at all, it is a choice,

i also don't try and treat all partners equal, because C aka montianboy has been with me for nearly 6 years and we live together he has a diffrent type of relationship with me than R has, becasue thats a new relationship, but i treat them fairly i respect them both and there is the potential for R to to an equal part of my life if our relationship takes us that way,

with M, who is just a friend at the moment,
i am not sure what i want, its confusing, i just know i want him to be a part of my life but i am not sure in what sense,

and then there is B
who is a dear friend but also more, i wish there was a word for friends that are more than friends but not actually partners, and she is someone who will be a part of my life always too, but who i don't devote as much time too becuase that is how our relationship developed

at the moment i think i am managing time ok
and i am not looking for anyone else because i dont' have enough time, but i dont' know what the future holds and i would never rule it out completly,

Jools
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  #7  
Old 10-28-2009, 12:04 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by violet View Post
I am personally FAR more comfortable with a "closed" polyfi relationship. The difference happens here for me:

When you have a primary couple, where both either see the same third/fourth/fifth person, or where both members of the couple have flings/FWB/whatever on the side, there is no reason for it to be closed off. You have FWB. They don't require a whole lot more maintenance than a normal "friend", and yay! more people to fuck. When sexuality is as important to you as it is to me - that's a big deal! lol The main point here is you can have a TON of friends, not even necessarily with benefits, and maintain your relationship with all of them.

When you have a primary couple, and you begin dating another seriously - time is NOT an infinite resource. Take my relationship. HMA and I were in an open relationship. He got booty-called a couple times, I took a few girls home, it was all good. It didn't infringe on our "couples" time at all. Then, we added Anne. She is dating both HMA and I, and is considered my equal in the relationship. The amazing amount of strain on all three of us to maintain equality, honesty, communication, happiness, ensure everyone's needs are met, blah blah blah - is HUGE. It's mind boggling. I can't imagine adding another "equal" partner. NO WAY. Three is hard enough!

As far as my triad goes - when you're completely equal, and have 2 other partners who complete you, are your best friend, and give you everything you need - why in FUCK do you need more?! There comes a point where I feel it just gets greedy, lol. I'm not bashing anyone in a quad or anything, it's just how I feel. You don't need more, more more more MORE. Polyamory, to me, isn't about collecting lovers. It's about building a strong relationship with more than one partner. And there come a point, time-wise, where that just isn't possible with a large group of people. It's just not. And it comes across as selfish.

For me, I am either in an "open relationship" where there is a clearly defined Primary Couple, or in a "polyfi" triad/MAYBE quad where everyone is devoted to one another monogamy-style. Make sense?
Excellent break down Violet! Just excellent.
I think I completely agree. If I weren't married with children I would likely be a butterfly (my term) and flit around whereever I felt the desire as it came upon me and I know I would definately have FWB with a number of the friends I already have in my life and if I moved-hell I'd hit on some more from here!
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  #8  
Old 10-28-2009, 12:12 AM
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I'm a part of a polyfi quad. How we got there or chose to be closed? Well, I'm not sure I can tell you exactly since I'm the only one who didn't think we needed to close things up.

I'll admit that it has helped cement the new relationships and made sure there has been plenty of time to work on the old ones.

This wasn't something we were looking for. Tech and Kitten were closer to it than us because they were looking for some good friends to swing with. They thought they'd find all they were looking for in 2 or 3 couples. Not everything in one. Gator and I were not looking for that much of a serious relationship. Friends was ok to a point.

Then Gator and Kitten fell in love. Fast forward a bit to the other three not even wanting to swing any more. Majority ruled on that. And we've been exclusive ever since.

I haven't had each of them be able to truly explain what their reasons were but here's my take. None of us expected this. None of us were prepared for this. And the new couples were not secure in their trust in one another the way they were in their marriages.

There are varying degrees of whether we should open up at all. I'm fine with it. Be it swinging or another poly relationship for my men. However, time management would be what I would have to have the biggest discussion about and where I would need boundaries. But I'm the only one who has assured anyone that they are free to do this. I just want to know before they search.
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  #9  
Old 10-28-2009, 12:18 AM
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ladyjools ladyjools is offline
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"And the new couples were not secure in their trust in one another the way they were in their marriages. "


this really made me think,
it takes time to build up that kind of trust and security.

when i start a new relationship, i have hopes that we will work on that relationship and build it before that person then introduces another person, becuase i feel more insecure about R who i haven't been seeing long, having a relationship with someone else than i do about C - (montianboy)

why?
becaues with montianboy i trust him 100 percent, and so there is very little insecurity on my part that he will decide that he likes the new partner more than me

but with R
we have not built that kind of solid fondation and trust (yet)
and so i am not ok with him starting another relationship until we have that

establish one relationship fondation at a time,

in the long run, i am happy for all my partners to have other partners, but actualy this has made me think about having a chat with R about my feelings on this becuase even though we have touched on it we have not went into depth, he says at the moment he is happy with just me but i think we need to have a think about how we want things in future and how long we want to take to establish the relationship we are currently building.

Jools
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  #10  
Old 10-28-2009, 12:23 AM
violet violet is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyjools View Post
[I]when i start a new relationship, i have hopes that we will work on that relationship and build it before that person then introduces another person, becuase i feel more insecure about R who i haven't been seeing long, having a relationship with someone else than i do about C - (montianboy)

why?
becaues with montianboy i trust him 100 percent, and so there is very little insecurity on my part that he will decide that he likes the new partner more than me

but with R
we have not built that kind of solid fondation and trust (yet)
and so i am not ok with him starting another relationship until we have that

establish one relationship fondation at a time,
This is a FANTASTIC way to put it. One relationship foundation at a time, indeed! Personally, I then take it from there as you can only build and maintain so many at a time. Time, like I said, is FINITE.
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