Girlfriend just revealed one of her friends sexually assaulted her years back

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dgmon174

New member
I have been dating my girlfriend for several months now. We are really close do a lot together, and know each other's friends. Some of these friends, a couple(Let's call them jimmy and Nancy) I particularly liked. We went on trips and double dates together and both couples always hit it off.

Recently, my girlfriend and another friend found out Jimmy had cheated on Nancy. My girlfriend and the second friend met with Nancy to tell her everything, and there has been chaos for the past couple of weeks. Apparently Nancy doesn't believe them and took his side over theirs.

I found this a bit odd, considering that they have been friends with Nancy for over a decade. In the process of asking some questions, it came to the surface, that along the evidence of Jimmy cheating, my girlfriend had also told Nancy about a story that happened years ago one night in which they were all drunk. I did not know my girlfriend or her friends at the time.

The story goes my girlfriend stayed over with Jimmy and Nancy one night after a night out because they were all too drunk to drive. Apparently after they all went to sleep in separate rooms Jimmy left Nancy in her room past out drunk, went into my girlfriends room, and started touching her private parts while she slept. My girlfriend allegedly woke up, told him to go away and went back to sleep. Jimmy went away, only to sneak back into her room later. My girlfriend woke up to Jimmy ejaculating on her chest. Jimmy left the room again, brought her a towel to wipe herself and went back to Nancy.

Up until now, my girlfriend had never said anything to Nancy. Supposedly, Jimmy would do smaller things after this she claims. She says he would occasionally flirt with her while Nancy would go to the ladies room, and that in one occasion he grabbed her butt, and in another, walked in on her while she was in the bathroom. This was all before I met her.

I have known jimmy and Nancy for a few months now. Him and I have hung and gotten drunk together and he always seemed like a decent guy. While he doesn't seem like someone who would do this, I want to believe my girlfriend.

Part of me is mad that she introduced me to this guy. She watched me drink with him and hit it off and kept this to herself all along, knowing that I would not want this guy in my life had I known about this. I feel betrayed that I became friends with someone like this. I feel like I was tricked into being his friend. Part of me wants to hear his side of the story, but I don't really want to find out or hear more details.

Nancy is now mad at my girlfriend and doesn't believe her. I completely understand her. I'm having a hard time understanding how she could keep this for so long. My girlfriend would even hang out with Nancy and Jimmy at times I was busy and couldn't make it. She had many opportunities to tell Nancy, or confront Jimmy about it, but she never said anything. They would all go out and drink and to me it was fine because we were all friends. Her and Jimmy seemed to always get along just fine .

I asked my girlfriend if maybe her and Jimmy got drunk and didn't realize what they were doing but she says she is sure it wasn't consensual, and felt insulted that I asked. I told her that if this is the case, that she should press charges, to which she replied that she doesn't want to ruin their lives.

I am really upset now, not only about this but about her introducing me to this guy knowing that this happened.

I want to support her and be there for her now that her best friend is not talking to her but I'm also mad, feel stupid and betrayed about being left in the dark like this. It almost feels like I got cheated on. I don't know how to process this.
 
Hello dgmon174,

There could be various reasons why your girlfriend didn't tell you the truth about Jimmy. Starting with, she may have originally felt like it was her fault, therefore she was ashamed and didn't want to admit what happened. Then maybe later on she realized that it wasn't her fault, and that changed things. But honestly, you would have to ask her to find out the real reason.

I know you are feeling hurt and confused right now. Try to give your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt, I don't think she's lying though I could be wrong.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
I asked her this.

I did ask her if she felt guilty and she assured me that she never doubted that this was his fault and not hers. She claimed that she has hated him ever since this happened, but you would never know. They seemed to get along pretty well to me in the months that I have known them. Only a couple of days ago did she tell me that I was not to see him anymore.
 
I don't mean this judgmentally, dgmon, but I really suggest you do some reading and educate yourself about sexual assault and the ramifications for victims/survivors who speak out.

Often, the reason they choose NOT to is because of just this reaction: they fear not being believed; they fear being ostracised by friends and family; persecuted and treated with suspicion by police, the courts, the perpetrator and worst of all, friends and family who often refuse to believe them, or blame them for the assault in some way.

As you may know, most sexual assaults are perpetrated by someone known to the victim - often a loved and trusted family member or friend. This plays havoc with the person's ability to trust their own judgment and sets up a cognitive dissonance of sorts, wherein they KNOW what happened was a crime, but their sense of loyalty and protectiveness makes it difficult if not impossible to contemplate "ruining" that person's life by reporting it to authorities, telling the person's significant other and the like.

As you read and listen to the stories of women (and men, possibly even more so) who have been raped, assaulted, molested, you'll notice how common it is for the person to feel a great deal of shame and conflicted feelings, that often result in them shutting off memories of the incident or actively choosing not to "rock the boat" by hringing the subject to light. Not only does a survivor often employ silence to protect the guilty, it is also a method of self-protection, almost as though they can block it out or pretend it never happened, if they don't speak of it.
 
I'm sorry all of this happened.

I am really upset now, not only about this but about her introducing me to this guy knowing that this happened.
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You could express to GF that you wish she had revealed this sooner. But are very glad that she told you now.

I want to support her and be there for her now that her best friend is not talking to her
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Then be there. You both could cut ties with Jimmy and Nancy.

You don't sound like you want to hang out with him any more. Nancy's not ready to hear it. But you are not dating Nancy. You are dating your GF. And your GF sounds ready to call it what it was -- assault.

but I'm also mad, feel stupid and betrayed about being left in the dark like this. It almost feels like I got cheated on. I don't know how to process this.
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I would imagine it's taken GF time to deal with the assault and time to trust you to tell you about it. It's not something you bring up on a first date. It's also not something you "practice and get better at." Like telling some "practice people" about it over and over in just the right way so it doesn't upset "actual people" when you tell them. YKWIM?

Even though you might wish she told you sooner, and not acted "ok" around Jimmy...

I think these mad/stupid/betrayed feelings you could process with a counselor rather than with GF.

I don't think your GF was out to do something malicious TO you. I think she might have still have processing of her own to do. "Pretend all is normal" may have been her default way of coping for a time.

Perhaps seeing individual counselors/couple counseling could help you both figure out next steps for how to heal from all this? I think this is one of those times where seeking professionals could be best.

Galagirl
 
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So, we have Jimmy, Nancy, DG, & Other.

Having read the post twice, I need directions to where any of this becomes nonmonogamy. Nevertheless, I'll proceed.

Nancy had at least one thing right: she discounts tattling.

Nancy probably didn't do it for the proper reason: if there's tattling, there's likely other deceit as well.

I suspect that Other still hangs out with Jimmy because that incident gives her a feeling of power/control over the reputations of Jimmy & Nancy, selectively released in order to coalition-build.

Maybe Other had this tendency before the incident, or maybe it's an expression of resultant emotional damage -- note that NEITHER is healthy. Rather than clinging to it, she ought to take steps to regularly visit a therapist, perhaps first consulting a rape crisis center for suggestions & for an overview of her legal footing (which, honestly, is about zero, unless other women with similar experiences can be found).

All 'round, anyone who clings to sickness is sick... & will soon enough make nearby people sick.

My advice to DG: someone really needs to step up & be an Adult here. Clearly, the whole mess bothers you, so it appears you should either quit it entirely -- end it with Other -- or begin speaking to the various individuals straightforwardly, asking simple questions & re-asking them until simple suitable answers emerge. Anyone who refuses & who responds to your persistence by shunning you has thereby solved THAT problem AND saved you the effort of cutting them off from your life.

Your choice consists of setting how sick you want to be. If the answer is "zero," & you're not just bloviating, then start spreading the cure -- honest, open communication, no behind-the-back gossip.
 
dgmon174 said:
Recently, my girlfriend and another friend found out Jimmy had cheated on Nancy. My girlfriend and the second friend met with Nancy to tell her everything, and there has been chaos for the past couple of weeks. Apparently Nancy doesn't believe them and took his side over theirs.
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dgmon174 said:
I found this a bit odd, considering that they have been friends with Nancy for over a decade.
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Yeah, this is a very shoot-the-messenger response. Sometimes people just aren't ready to accept the information that could potentially blow up their lives. It looks like Nancy has prioritized keeping the relationship above believing her friends, even though they are only looking out for her in this case.

dgmon174 said:
Part of me is mad that she introduced me to this guy. She watched me drink with him and hit it off and kept this to herself all along, knowing that I would not want this guy in my life had I known about this. I feel betrayed that I became friends with someone like this. I feel like I was tricked into being his friend. Part of me wants to hear his side of the story, but I don't really want to find out or hear more details.

Nancy is now mad at my girlfriend and doesn't believe her. I completely understand her. I'm having a hard time understanding how she could keep this for so long.
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Okay first, and I don't mean this to be harsh at all, try not to make what happened between your girlfriend and Jimmy about you, including her not immediately telling you about it. The things she has described to you are sexual harassment and sexual assault. When something like that happens - speaking from experience - and ESPECIALLY if it's coming from a friend, the person it's happening to is feeling all sorts of confusing feelings, including guilt and shame, even if they're not sure exactly how they invited the unwanted behavior. This must have been even more tricky for her because of her friendship with Nancy. Many women remain silent when they are assaulted in situations like this do to the fear that they won't be believed, and now that's exactly what's happening. The chaos you've described in the friend group since, and the doubt which is revolving around her rather than Jimmy - it's likely that this is the exact nightmare scenario that kept her quiet in the first place.

That's all just to say that while it's definitely understandable to be upset that you weren't immediately told, especially when you formed a friendship with someone who you've since found out might not be as decent as you thought, don't forget that in essence we're talking about something that happened to her. Not immediately speaking up - I can almost guarantee - was not meant to be a personal slight to you, or a betrayal.

dgmon174 said:
My girlfriend would even hang out with Nancy and Jimmy at times I was busy and couldn't make it. She had many opportunities to tell Nancy, or confront Jimmy about it, but she never said anything. They would all go out and drink and to me it was fine because we were all friends. Her and Jimmy seemed to always get along just fine .

I asked my girlfriend if maybe her and Jimmy got drunk and didn't realize what they were doing but she says she is sure it wasn't consensual, and felt insulted that I asked. I told her that if this is the case, that she should press charges, to which she replied that she doesn't want to ruin their lives.
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Notice how Nancy is not only unwilling to believe that Jimmy did these things to your girlfriend, but also that he cheated on her, even though your girlfriend AND another friend confronted her with "evidence"?

As I said before, it seems like Nancy prioritizes her relationship with Jimmy over her friends (and even over the truth), so it doesn't surprise me that your girlfriend said nothing until now and tried to go along as usual without rocking the boat. This is all happening inside her primary friend group, it seems. Her support system. And Nancy is already denying that anything happened so imagine trying to press charges with no support and your friends turning on you.

dgmon174 said:
I want to support her and be there for her now that her best friend is not talking to her but I'm also mad, feel stupid and betrayed about being left in the dark like this. It almost feels like I got cheated on. I don't know how to process this.
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I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. It makes perfect sense that you're upset. This would probably be a lot easier if you didn't know Jimmy at all, but the fact that you've formed a relationship with someone who may have assaulted your girlfriend makes it all very confusing.

First, as you said, that all happened before you met your girlfriend. So you weren't cheated on. She didn't go behind your back. And honestly ::gentle voice:: even if it had happened while you were together, she is talking about something that wasn't consensual. So it wouldn't have been cheating anyway.

Is it possible that the feelings your describing - feeling stupid and betrayed - are just as much about Jimmy as they are about your girlfriend? After all, you two have become friendly, and he never mentioned any of this. From what I understand you haven't spoken to him about it yet.

Ps: Has no one mentioned any of this to Jimmy? Is he aware that your girlfriend and their other friend believe he cheating on Nancy? Is aware that your girlfriend told you and Nancy about what he did to her? I'm just trying to understand how his side of the story hasn't been told yet.
 
I am angry with Jimmy and also want to hear his side of the story. Part of me is secretly afraid that his side will be that it was consensual.

As far as I know, he is aware of the cheating accusations but not about the sexual assault being disclosed.

I believe the reason I feel betrayed is the fact that they had this secret between them that I wasn't aware of.

A few days before all this, my girlfriend said that I was not to speak with Jimmy anymore, and that he was sneaky. When I asked why she only mentioned something completely unrelated to both the cheating and the incident in question.

I really want to speak with Jimmy but at the same time I feel like this would hurt my GF and violate her trust. At the same time I could never forgive her if it turns out she is lying about this.
 
dgmon174 said:
I really want to speak with Jimmy but at the same time I feel like this would hurt my GF and violate her trust. At the same time I could never forgive her if it turns out she is lying about this.
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You are 10 months in, do you really think your girlfriend would lie about something like this? That she would blow up her friendships? That she would hurt Nancy on purpose?

Jimmy might very well think or tell himself that it was consensual. A lot of people who rape don't realize what they are doing, as crazy as that sounds. He was very drunk. He very well might remember it differently than your girlfriend.

I was raped by a friend. I remained friends with him for YEARS. He stayed at my house. It wasn't until he apologized to my partner for the 2nd time (the first time was about 1.5 years after it happened and I still thought it was my fault and felt extra bad for him feeling bad about it) about raping me, that it finally sunk in what he had done and how I had be justifying and hiding it from myself so I didn't have to painfully cut him out of my life.

People respond to rape in socially acceptable ways. Pretend it didn't happen and move on. It seems so much less painful than admitting the violation, blowing up your friendships and dealing with the aftermath. Often the last thing you want to do when you are violated and hurt is stir up drama and pain. You want your life to be normal again... and you can't do that if you lose your friends.

I think you should believe your partner.
 
Dude, none of this is your girlfriend's fault. You need to support her.

Her experience is sadly common--a woman is sexually assaulted by a guy in her friend group, and she keeps it to herself rather than destroy her social group. Because what exactly is she supposed to do? The guy is dating her friend. Telling people would destroy her friend's relationship. Plus no one would believe her.

And, her own boyfriend would be mad at her.

Stop blaming her, dude.

Sure, you can ask Jimmy for his "side" of the story of him ejaculating on a sleeping woman. (How will he explain that?) Or, you could just believe your girlfriend, and ask her what you can do to support her.

(Also, I'm not sure why you're posting about this on a polyamory forum? Who is polyamorous in your story? But that's a separate issue).
 
Ok now I'm about to lose it. What is making the situation even worse is that I'm currently away from my GF and all our communication is happening via phone. Last night she told me she would be hanging out with her friend and I agreed because I didn't want her to be alone in this situation. (This is a female friend that lives with her boyfriend)

Today she tells me that last night, her and the friend went to a bar (she says she did not drink). She wanted to go to bed early. Her friend however, was drunk, and told her that she could go ahead first and offered her boyfriend (who also wanted toleave, to give her a ride.

My GF then proceeded to go to her friend's place alone with her friend's boyfriend, and go to sleep in the living room. She does not understand why I am upset and tells me that this is a different situation because this is someone she trusts.

I'm sorry but I cannot support her and be there for her is she is assaulted again. I'm not saying what happened was her fault but the fact that she can't see where I'm coming from leads me to believe that there is something seriously wrong with her judgment, and if that is the case, this relationship is not going to work.

I really wish I could be there for her but I'm not going to sit around waiting for her to get raped because she thinks it's ok to put herself in these situations.
 
If you are sure on this, then you need to tell her you are not willing to watch her put herself in these situations. And then end it with her.

Galagirl
 
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So, correct me if I'm wrong; what you're saying is that, since she says that she was assaulted by the boyfriend of a friend once, that means she is exercising poor judgement by trusting any man ever again? That she should not allow herself to be alone with a man she knows, because she should realize that there is the possibility of sexual assault?

WHAT?????

With that reasoning, she should have never trusted you, since you're a male?

I really hope that my before-coffee brain just didn't understand this properly. If what I understand is, indeed, correct, you two are far better apart. For her sake.
 
Your (former) girlfriend's judgement may be flawed, or not.

The fact remains that YOU do not trust either her judgement OR her story, from what you say about wanting to get Jimmy's side of the story, and then more recently, not being able to deal with the possibility of her being alone with another male friend.

I realise this has all come as a shock to you, but truly, dgmon, you do seem to be making it all about YOU. Don't forget, this woman you claim to love, or at least like enough to have spent an enjoyable 10 months with, has been sexually assaulted by someone she trusted and has now lost the support of her best friend (Jimmy's gf Nancy). SHE is the one who needs support and understanding here.

If your relationship was otherwise trouble-free and built on mutual positive experience, the least you could do would be to a.) believe her, b.) show compassion and c/) try to support her through this distressing period.

Though if you really cannot manage that, and/or do not totally believe her claims, I agree you two are better off apart.
 
As nicely as I can possibly manage, your attitude is why it's so hard for women to come forward after being assaulted or raped.

She put herself in that situation
She flirted with him a bit
Her clothes were too revealing.

Stop it. If someone assualts someone else, they are the problem. Not the person that got assaulted.
 
UPDATE: I don't know how to update the post so I am adding this comment.

Obviously I'm ill-equipped to deal with this situation and my emotions are getting in the way of my rationality. I spent a lot of time going over everyone's comments, and did some online research on the subjects of rape and sexual abuse.

She opened up more and explained that this wasn't a one time thing. He touched her in other occasions and behaved inappropriately for a long period of time. She cannot remember all the instances or when exactly they happened because she has blocked them from her memory and they happened at times when alcohol was involved.

She was afraid of him trying to retaliate for her speaking out, she was afraid or ruining her friendship, and her reputation, and when she met me, she didn't feel the need to tell me about her past trauma.

I called the National Sexual Assault hotline last night (800.656.HOPE (4673)) and discussed the issue with someone. Me not wanting her alone with male friends is apparently a common reaction of the victim's loved ones becoming over-protective. Her wanting to do this is a common reaction of victims to reassure themselves that not everyone is going to hurt them.

We will both be cutting ties with Jimmy and Nancy, and will seek counseling to help us cope with the situation. I want to thank all of you for your input.
 
Obviously I'm ill-equipped to deal with this situation and my emotions are getting in the way of my rationality.
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If you are ill-equipped and keep adding to her load by throwing your upset at her? Then I think it is better you stay apart. Take a time out to cool off or totally break up.

It is ok to be upset by the news. It would be upsetting to anyone. But it is not ok to keep dumping your upset at her.

You could express your upset to someone who is NOT her.

We will both be cutting ties with Jimmy and Nancy, and will seek counseling to help us cope with the situation.
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If you are going to try to get through this together? Then I think this is a good place to start. Cut ties with those people. Seek professionals to help guide you. She has her process to do. And you have your process to do. Then there is the other process of trying to move forward as a couple.

Perhaps make some appointments, and then maybe agree to only talk about this at appointments with counselor present to help guide the conversation. At least to start? So you aren't taking things out on each other?

I hope things work out so healing can happen.

Galagirl
 
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