Polyamory's Image Problem

[kdt26417]

Hey, boring is good. (amirite)

[lovefromgirl]

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin

And that pretty much describes the way people would perceive me, too. I think quite a few poly folk think I/we we quite boring for that reason.

Darling, you're not a bit boring. <3

I'm not sure what to make of my experiences. I have met, well, CdM who was willing and able to take me as I am. Men tend to complain because I'm cautious, I won't go to bed with them before commitment, and I expect them to look after themselves in very basic ways (if jeans, jeans that fit; your shirts do not all come from Hot Topic; cut your darn hair). I don't like doms. I don't have the patience for neo-hippies. I will open a can of verbal whoop-ass on an arrogant academe. [cough] Frankly, though I'm only biromantic, not bisexual, women seem to be the more appealing option at this point! They don't care that I don't fit anyone's stereotype.

Bear in mind that these are only my experiences, but I am sharing them because I'm curious as to whether they resonate with anyone else.

[Alleycat]

Originally Posted by nycindie

One of my biggest complaints about the most popular local poly group here in NYC is that they always promote our events to the kink and so-called sex-positive community, but never to mainstream folks. So, for someone who is more vanilla than not, going to the monthly Poly Cocktails event is... uncomfortable, mostly. It doesn't have the kind of vibe that "regular folks" would find appealing, I think. It feels like a kinky meat market. A few months ago, a few guys got naked at the party - this was in a restaurant/lounge! The guests who show up are always talking about FetLife and "play parties." I told this to one of the organizers. I said, "Why doesn't the group promote our events, send speakers, and make our presence known at places like the Society for Ethical Culture or even The Learning Annex? Take part in mainstream workshop/conferences on relationships, etc.? Why just reach out to kink groups and set up a table at a kink event (they did this at some "leather group" street fair) and only leave it at that?"

He told me that maybe a cocktail party is not for me and I should go to the lectures or conventions instead. Now, in my lifetime, I've been to plenty of weeknight cocktail parties for all sorts of groups and no one has ever gotten naked at them before, so why make it my problem for wanting a party that accommodates non-kinksters, too? In my view, if we want mainstream society to accept polyamory as just another choice for relationships and not a kink, we need to "infiltrate" mainstream events where "regular folks" hang out.

I would think the promotion of events to those groups would be because of the overlap between BDSM communities and other sex-positive communities with the poly community.

Frankly its an easy way to get attendance or at least feedback with a audience that already may have a positive or semi-understanding bias.

Speaking as a kinky person, getting naked at a public venue like a lounge/ restaurant is totally unacceptable and completely detrimental to all groups involved. And whichever camp those two guys primary came from surly looks worse for their behaviour.

In another thread I mentioned the quote "Whatever you do, do so with class" Which are some words I live by.
Yes I am a pervert who's known to play with ropes, floggers, canes, rubber chickens and the like, and I do openly engage in multiple relationships in addition to my marriage, and my religious practices and beliefs are defiantly dark and alien, But -god damn it- I'm such a respectable bastard.

Are some of the things I do generally uncommon? yes.
Am I some kind of freakshow? No.
Do the generally uncommon things I engage in seem more acceptable to "mainstream" people because of how I conduct myself otherwise?
well, I've been told they do.

Bringing speakers in, and possibly getting in touch with things like the mentioned "Society for Ethical Culture" and similar organisations isn't a bad idea, seminars of any nature for anything is a great way to get information and education out there, It is however a more difficult task and less likely to draw attendance, which is something anyone organising an event is ultimately focused on.

[redpepper]

I find that some of our poly events seem to be BDSM heavy or sex positive heavy too. I just don't go if I don't want that vibe and host my own events. After three years I run a pub night, a women's group, a relationship discussion group and various other random things.... if it doesn't exist then I create it. I figure I am not the only one that thinks something is missing and most of the time I'm right. I usually just post an event on fb and polyeventsallover calender site, reserve whatever needs reserving, invite everyone to bring someone along and away ya go. I don't hold any responsibility to how it goes or what happens. People look to me to be facilitator quite often, but I deligate wherever possible. Otherwise I don't have a good time because its like work then,

By the way Ceil, you aren't boring. I've met you. You aren't... Anyone that is willing to meet a random stranger in a strange city from a forum on the internet is not boring. That was what, two years ago now....? so glad to see you back on here!

[CielDuMatin]

Originally Posted by redpepper

By the way Ceil, you aren't boring. I've met you. You aren't... Anyone that is willing to meet a random stranger in a strange city from a forum on the internet is not boring. That was what, two years ago now....? so glad to see you back on here!

*blushing* Why thank you, kind lady.

I have been accused on being vanilla quite a few times, the implication being that I was rather ordinary and boring, because I didn't do BDSM or SCA or Pagan things. I happen to like the flavour of vanilla when it's done well!

Yes, that was two years ago, walking through a VERY interesting part of town trying to find a place that was nowhere near where I thought it was with a bad back to meet two perfect strangers! Turned out great, though!

[urmila]

the movement has just started and as we start forming local groups, with of course secrecy, it will definitely spread. As it attaons, what is called the critical mass, it will have to accepted by the society irrespective of who is controlling the media. This is how now the gay lesbian relationships have come out and accepted now

[lovefromgirl]

urmila, do you have a blog on this site? Would you consider starting one? I for one am very curious to see how poly happens (both community-level and personal-level) in such a very different culture from my own, and I'd love your perspective.

[urmila]

Originally Posted by lovefromgirl

urmila, do you have a blog on this site? Would you consider starting one? I for one am very curious to see how poly happens (both community-level and personal-level) in such a very different culture from my own, and I'd love your perspective.

Hi love
I am writing about myself and my developing relationships in my thread - relationship in quad. Since i am busy now with some work there r no new entries since a week. I will hopefully writing some time next week
urmila

[urmila]

Originally Posted by metallicagurl84

That's depressing. The one place you think would make an attempt to find various types of successful polyamorous relationships to have in their magazine. A place that should be a sanctuary for people of "non mainstream" sexuality & lifestyle, but turns out to be just as bad at portraying reality as any sleezy tabloid...
Well, there you go, why don't the people on here with fulfilling, successful polyamorous relationships, write about the types of people involved & how happy you are being together & request an interview & article in all the "alternative lifestyle" magazines??? That would be a good start, wouldn't it? ESP those of you in families. And tell how fond of the loving family your children are.
Blessed be,
Fey

I fully agree with this. Instead tagging on to other groups' magazine, It would be best if the people who r r having a successful and happy relationship start an exclusive magazine and invite contributions and moderate the entries.
Then it can be kept clean and informative and can provide guidence to others

[Questioning]

This is an interesting topic. The image of polyamory. I for one would love to see public understanding and acceptance of polyamory for my partners sake. Some folks just don't need the judgement. I do not know how other poly folk feel, but she feels a certain stigma attached to who she is.

A story to tell to the public, perhaps a movie, was mentioned earlier in the thread. It was also said it needs to be an insider writing it. Yes and no. It's not a poly movie for poly people, if it's about improving image to the mono community... It's a poly story/movie for mono people - so they understand.

The fact the poly community might contain a higher than normal percentage of 'fringe' personalities is not really relevant. The sex is not what poly is about - obviously for some it's a very nice 'fringe' benefit. But, in my understanding, correct me if I'm wrong - polyamory is not about sex, it is about love.

It needs to be a love story.

So you got two people, mono and poly, to give the viewpoints of both. A mono man I think, to throw stereotypes out a bit.

A love story has 2 who meet, fall for each other, but there is a protagonist, something between them that drives them apart - the other man she loves - polyamory! He thinks she's cheating, and she thinks there's something wrong with her ("why can't I be normal"). Both are terribly hurt and they split and return and cling on, he trying to understand the huge incongruity between her personality and what he judges as 'bad behaviour'. She supports him, still visits the other love, he is losing it at times, not eating right, smoking too much, self medicating. She wants to be with him more but watching a trainwreck is disturbing. He puts his foot down with himself. Therapy, research, websites, more therapy, torn but knowing there is an answer to all this incongruity. He finds a polyamory site and begins reading....

The audience will be rooting for her to change her ways, but instead he changes an outdated mysogynistic religious based value system, introduces her to the concept of polyamory, she recognises herself, he accepts her, she accepts her, and the endings happy. I can flesh the rest of it out easily, it's my story.

Not saying use this story, probably some better ones. But to change the image you might need a monos thoughts (the bulk of the audiences thoughts) and the monos evolution of thought as he learns about and accepts poly. Plus you need the portrayal of two (= three people) loves. This would be a valuable tool for the poly community. And a damn good movie to boot, anyone got the hollywood hookups?