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Old 06-04-2011, 03:27 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

MMD, you're a bit off, I feel. First of all, LostSailor doesn't own his wife, so he isn't "letting her" date E. They came to an arrangement together. Meyesekrit is also a member here and you can read her posts (Intro is here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=61338). To imply that she is using LostSailor because she doesn't want to give up a long-term loving relationship with her bf is a bit harsh. She only sees her lover twice a week, and is now expected to stop having sex with him after a year because LostSailor suddenly has developed irrational fears? There are feelings between Meyesekrit and E. to be considerate of, just as much as the feelings between LostSailor and Meyesekrit, and it seems clear to me that LostSailor has insecurities but it's not fair to say it is Meyesekrit's fault.

LostSailor, you say you have ADHD, which probably means you hyperfocus on things that bother you, that someone without ADHD probably would not be fazed by.

Have you worked with any counselors or found a system to help you develop coping skills? I have ADD tendencies and have found ADDitude Magazine (online) helpful, although some of their articles are a bit too fluffy or cut-and-dried in their approach. I found one article about what happens in a marriage when a husband needs to have lots of order and control in his life in order to cope with ADHD, and the consequences of his trying to exert that control over his wife. It mentions differences between how men and women approach relationships. For the guy, it advises:
"Own your behavior. You need to realize that your over-controlling, over-structured habits are compensatory and that angry acting out is not fair or acceptable. It helps to develop a self-deprecating sense of humor about it too (e.g., "If I didn't have my head screwed on, I'd probably lose it too."). Over-controlling types can be very hard to live with, but a husband's personal insight and good humor will make his wife feel a lot better."
Well, I'm not really on board with the self-deprecating humor, but a sense of humor in general goes a long way.

In your intro thread, LostSailor, you wrote:
Originally Posted by LostSailor View Post
She goes and spends the night a couple times a week, and now Jay (jealousy) is raising his ugly head. I don't understand it, and I sure don't like it. She's very supportive and helpful, but doesn't have direct experience. This is all complicated by the fact that it only bothers me when I'm in emotional turmoil for some other reason (she and I have a fight, for example, or, much more commonly, work is making me insanely stressed). When "I'm good," I miss her, but it's not a "problem" for me.
I bolded the statements that stood out for me. This is all an inside job, it would seem, as I am sure Meyesekrit has been honest and compassionate with you. Giving an ultimatum... well, sometimes that approach is necessary for someone who has to deal with a partner who has ADD/ADHD.

Are you worrying a lot, about a lot of things? Have you been full of anxiety and/or procrastinating? These are ways in which ADHD-ers respond to stress. But it may not necessarily be the stress of your relationship that's doing it. Do you have an increase of stress at work or other areas?

Over and over again, I read that the most important thing for a souse with ADHD to do, when all these worries set in, is to LISTEN. Listen to Meyesekrit when she tells you how much she loves you, and how much you mean to her. The sex is just another form of communication; keeping her from being sexual with E. isn't going to accmplish anything. You need to come to terms with you.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Last edited by nycindie; 06-04-2011 at 03:47 PM.
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Old 06-05-2011, 05:01 AM
LostSailor LostSailor is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 10


Thank you for this note. Today was not a good day, to say the least. We went out last night, had a great dinner, then had a huge misunderstanding when we went to bed, and I ended up getting very upset when meyesekrit didn't mean anything (she had responded to something in her sleep, and I thought she was awake and meant it - stupid).

You are absolutely right that this is an inside job. But I was not in a good place today, and I should have just refused to talk, but I did. Again, I need to learn to see when I'm not centered and not discuss how I feel. So the hurt jealous afraid part of me was in control, and no matter how hard I try, it says things it shouldn't. She was going to spend the night with E, and when she was getting ready, she shaved - and the knife twisted in my gut. Then she put on matching red undies and bra - and the knife twisted in my gut. I used poor judgement and told her how I felt, and she was hurt and angry. Not surprising.

Then, about an hour after she left, I got a text from her. E was out on a date. He had blown her off to go out with another woman. Meyesekrit felt she couldn't come home.

Needless to say, I feel horrible. I'm very sad for Meyesekrit. I feel horribly guilty that we had parted on bad terms. I feel like a failure that she can't come home. Then later, I was out hiking and got more texts from her (totally unheard of). She was at E's. He wanted to explain. It was not good. He said it was better for her to sleep there than in the car and he has a spare bed or a couch. That hurt her a lot.

Now I feel incredibly bad. She's there with E, and unless they've made up, she's functionally alone. I texted her and sent some mail, trying to be as supportive and unselfish as possible. I just know she's hurting, and E must be hurting, and I both want to help and desperately hope I'm not to blame.

I hope she comes home tomorrow and I'm able to support her in ways that don't make her feel trapped. I think the best way is to continue showing her I'm working on all the issues I need to work on. I had asked her to change some of the things about her relationship with E to help me feel better, and she refused because I hadn't done much of anything to make the feelings go away on my own. There are things about me (irresponsibility, etc) that she has wanted me to fix for years. She says I'm more motivated now to work on these things, and have done more in the last year than I ever have. She's afraid if she changes things with E, I won't have incentive, and I won't keep working on things. She's hurting, and the best way I can think of to help her is to keep working on my and the relationship.

Sigh. I feel so selfish. She's hurting and I can't help her because I've been an emotional wreck and she can't trust my stability. I effed this up pretty badly. I hope I can support her.
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