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Old 02-05-2009, 04:41 AM
whoKnows whoKnows is offline
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 5
Default Mono/Poly...

I've been with my girlfriend for over a year now & I've always known she'd struggle with monogomy, but she done it for the first 9 months or so. Now she wants me to let her sleep with whoever she wants whenever she wants, she's not interested in starting relationships with other men , she just wants casual lovers. My only issue is the frequency of it, from everything she's told me she would like to sleep with other men as reqularly as once a month. I'm happy to be monogamous with her possibly for ever, certainly for the next few years, I don't need or even want anyone else, I'm open to the idea of polyamoury & believe in the future our relationship will benifit from it. The idea of her having another lover does not bother me, what bothers me is the frequency she wants to sleep with others, especially people I will come into contact with, I find it disrespectful. Has anyone else experienced this kind of relationship mono/polly where the polly person wants regular sex with lots of different people, away from his/her partner. If so do you have any tips on making it work? Thanx!
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Old 02-07-2009, 04:25 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,187

If she's not engaging in relationships with her sex partners, I wouldn't call it polyamory. I'd classify that as swinging, myself. If it's just about the sex, it isn't poly.

As for mono/poly matchups, yes there are people who have those. One partner is satisfied with the single relationship and the other prefers to have multiple. The terms of those relationships are negotiated on an individual basis in a manner that addresses all of the issues of the couple involved.

So, I reckon you need to address the issue with her. From my point of view, her having a one night stand once a month doesn't qualify as frequent; for you, it obviously does. I'll offer up some questions for you to ponder before discussing the issue with her. (And I'll offer that quick, flippant answers to the questions won't help a bit. Some serious, prolonged thought is called for.)

What does it mean to you for her to have sex with somebody else once a month?

What would happen if she continues to do that?
What wouldn't happen if she continues to do that?
What would happen if she doesn't do that?
What wouldn't happen if she doesn't do that?
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Old 02-16-2009, 09:08 PM
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nethergirl nethergirl is offline
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NYC
Posts: 32

Are you sure its the 'frequency' that is bothering you? Perhaps the entire situation is beyond what you want.. I don't see how having outside sex 1 or 100 times is any more or less respectful - it all depends on what you decide are the rules or set up of your relationship together. if she sticks to what you agree on, she is respecting you. definitely talk about what you want and need from her. talk about you insecurities.
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Old 03-02-2009, 06:42 PM
whoKnows whoKnows is offline
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 5

Hey Everyone, thanks for the input, I wrote my initial message when I was in a dark place, not understanding Polyamory very well & the benefits it can bring to a relationship. I've done a lot of reading since then & spoken to a few people on the subject. My girl & I are currently having a break from the poly lifestyle but we intend to re-commence it again soon, we need to sit down together & define new rules which we are both happy with. But I do see the benefits a lot more now than previously, I think this can work really well for both of us.
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boundary setting, negotiating boundaries

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